Saturday, January 3, 2015

Sooo lost...

I probably have had this title for  my post at least 3 times a year for the past few years.  I just don't understand why I can't get it through my head that drinking and I just don't really work out.  Sure, we have a lot of fun for awhile, but I always end up back in the same destructive place.

I've been off for Christmas break.  Over the past 15 days, I have drank 11 days with 6 of them being destructive (sneaking, guzzling, day drinking, etc.).

I almost ruined my life back last December, then again last August and NOW AGAIN!!!!

Once again I am exhausted!  I am so sick of everything g and everyone around me.  Life just sucks!  I am sooo sick of this cycle and am not sure I can beat it :(

I am mostly sick of myself.

I have a great time drinking and everyone around me probably doesn't even see what is happening to me.  I don't really even share it a lot anymore because I feel like I am just having a pity party for myself when I am the one that chooses to drink!  I just feel like everyone is sick of hearing about it! It is just all so stupid that I am in total hell because of something I should be able to control.  Nobody wants to hear about it anymore, so  I hide all of my isolation, anxiety, depression, guilt and drama.  I am once again in my own little personal hell inside my brain and I am so over it!

I don't know why I continue to do this to myself year after year after year!  I guess I am just not the kind of person I have been fooling myself into believing all this time.

I am soooooo lost......

2 comments:

  1. I have almost 4 months sober, so I'm no expert, but I can really relate to how you're beating yourself up. I can only imagine what your inner voice is doing to you right now. Just know that that is the addiction to the alcohol talking. When I quit, I found that nagging, negative, self-berating voice got a lot quieter. I have a name for that awful inner voice, I call it my "drinking brain." Some call it "Wolfie." Wolfie wants to keep you down and make you feel bad so you keep drinking. He will say anything to get you to pick up that bottle. It sounds like he's doing a real number on you right now. It makes complete sense that you're feeling the way you feel. You have been pumping a steady, large dose of a drug that is a depressant into your body for the last couple of weeks, by what you wrote here. The fact that you're here writing about it means you are still on the right road, and you're still making progress. It's time to get back up, and say, "I will not drink. Not today." Just today. That's all you have to worry about. After a few days of not assaulting your body and brain with poison, you will feel better. You have already been there, so you know this. Alcohol feeds Wolfie and makes him stronger. Somehow, I think it also blurs our ability to see him for what he is. We start internalizing what Wolfie says instead of attributing it to the poison we're pumping into ourselves. Please don't beat yourself up. Keep moving forward. You can do it.

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  2. That's an awful low feeling, what you're describing here. I know it well. Like geek says above, feeling like you can't beat the alcohol is something that the alcohol causes. But I think you can. We're all different, for sure, but it seems that keeping away from the drink is the beginning of seeing the damage it does, and that makes it easier to keep away. Small steps and lots of support is important. And find ways to be kind to yourself that don't involve drink. It's tough, but I have to tell you, being sober is absolutely worth the effort. I'm cheering you on here! xo

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