Thursday, January 29, 2015
I'm fine :/
My sister called last night to see if I as ok. It was really sweet of her as she noticed I had been kind of quiet at the last few family functions. I told her that I am fine.
How often do we say we are fine and is it a load of BS? I know that it had been my standard answer for years. What are you supposed to say, "Actually, I am pretty messed up in the head right now!" People don't want to hear that. They want to hear, "I'm fine."
I really am doing ok. I told her I'm just not drinking right now. She said, "Why? Are you going over the deep end again?" I have had a couple of emotional breakdowns in the past where I just hide in my room, don't talk to anyone and say, "I'm fine."
I told her that maybe she just doesn't know the sober me. She said she has been around me plenty of times sober, which is true. I think that I am just a different person when I don't drink. If I am drinking every weekend, I am much more hyper/manic/anxious/sensitive/depressed all the time, even when sober. When I don't drink and am not constantly either recovering from the weekend or gearing up for the next one (which is when she is usually around me) I seem to be much calmer. I am more level headed, even keel - the mood swing pendulum doesn't seem to swing so far on either side.