Friday, January 30, 2015

Hard Choices

I just watched a TED talk on hard choices.  It was pretty good.  I think the problem with addiction is that I can't see which choice (not drinking forever or trying to moderate) is better.  I really know which is better long term, but short term I want what I want and I want it now.  She says that one choice really is better than the other, we are just sometimes too stupid to see it so we take the road that seems easier.  Moderation, for me, seems to be easier (but not ultimately better).  It is easier today on a Friday, easier in social situations, easier on vacation, seems more normal, easier for my addicted brain.  But it isn't ultimately easier on my self esteem, my spirit, my soul....

The end is really the best - talking about being true to ourselves. Letting reward and punishment and fear sometimes influence the choices we make....

Creating our own internal reasons rather than external reasons for making the hard choices...

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Happy Hour - well that pretty much sums up my life!

I'm fine :/


My sister called last night to see if I as ok.  It was really sweet of her as she noticed I had been kind of quiet at the last few family functions.  I told her that I am fine.

How often do we say we are fine and is it a load of BS?  I know that it had been my standard answer for years. What are you supposed to say, "Actually, I am pretty messed up in the head right now!" People don't want to hear that. They want to hear, "I'm fine."

I really am doing ok.  I told her I'm just not drinking right now. She said, "Why? Are you going over the deep end again?"  I have had a couple of emotional breakdowns in the past where I just hide in my room, don't talk to anyone and say, "I'm fine."

I told her that maybe she just doesn't know the sober me.  She said she has been around me plenty of times sober, which is true.  I think that I am just a different person when I don't drink.  If I am drinking every weekend, I am much more hyper/manic/anxious/sensitive/depressed all the time, even when sober. When I don't drink and am not constantly either recovering from the weekend or gearing up for the next one (which is when she is usually around me) I seem to be much calmer.  I am more level headed, even keel - the mood swing pendulum doesn't seem to swing so far on either side.

Monday, January 26, 2015

Red wine vs. grape juice

I get emails from someone named Craig Beck who has a quit drinking program.  Some of his stuff is pretty true.  For example he says that drinking red wine because it is good for you is like saying eating a candy bar is good for you if you sprinkle it with some vitamins.  He says it is just an excuse to drink.  If it wasn't, people would drink grape juice instead.  I included the link so I could find it later.  It's just a different way of looking at it.  I kind of like his no BS way of saying things.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

1/25/15 (Sun) - One Sentence Derailment and Change the Cage

So we went skiing yesterday and I did not feel well at all. I couldn't sleep the night before and I felt light headed and nauseous all day.  I think it was a form of altitude sickness even thought I live in Colorado and ski once or twice a month.  I think my lack of sleep and being out of shape definitely had an impact.

While skiing, and not feeling well, I was having all these thoughts about moderation. They were triggered by one comment my son made on the way up.  He said, "Your sister mentioned getting a place in the mountains for President's Day weekend and wanted to know if we wanted to go."  That one sentence made me want to moderate.  I just didn't feel like I could get excited about the trip unless I allowed myself to drink.  I notoriously drink on any kind of vacations.  Vacations - or even the thought of them in the future have always derailed my attempts at sobriety in the past.  

The thoughts were strong, convincing and exciting!  I am going to try again! Yeah!  I can look forward to things!  I do this every January!  I will try harder!  I felt that way the rest of the day.  I didn't drink yesterday but was excited to in the future.  

I just don't get it!  What happened to all of my resolve, my hope for more peace?  How can one sentence, one thought just derail my whole mindset?  

Well I feel better today.  I am back to abstinence and in a good place. One thing that helped was an article I read called:

The Likely Cause of Addiction Has Been Discovered, and It Is Not What You Think

The article talks about that addiction is really about isolation and remaining in our own cage of despair and loneliness. It says:

"Professor Alexander argues this discovery is a profound challenge both to the right-wing view that addiction is a moral failing caused by too much hedonistic partying, and the liberal view that addiction is a disease taking place in a chemically hijacked brain. In fact, he argues, addiction is an adaptation. It's not you. It's your cage."

I really think that is true.  I think (because of the article and my thoughts yesterday and my altitude sickness) I really need to get back to the gym, start taking care of myself and learning how to make connections and live life in a more active way. Not just sit on my couch afraid to participate in life because I don't want to drink.

I am going to my  sister's for dinner tonight.  My choices are

1. Drink = be social, happy, energetic, talkative. (Not a good option because of the mental/emotional/physical implementations)

2.  Isolate myself by sitting by myself, being quiet, being not quite sure how to act, uncomfortable (how I usually act sober but maybe not changing my cage)

3.  Truly changing my cage - trying to learn a new way to socialize, connect with people, be happy, be comfortable in my own skin (the best option but the hardest to accomplish)

I'm going to try #3.  We will see what happens.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Weekend #4 - going skiing

I am actually not too worried about this weekend.  I am going skiing with my kids tomorrow, so I will go to bed early tonight.

There have been PLENTY of Saturday ski trips where I have drank too much the night before and have felt crappy skiing - a little car sick on the way up, a little dizzy while trying to bend over and snap my boots on, looking forward to lunch where I will be fighting with myself over whether I should have a beer or not.  Lately I have noticed that probably 85% of the skiers eating lunch are not drinking alcohol.  I had never noticed that before.  I just thought 85% where having at least one. I almost always had one and just hoped like crazy that we were with someone else who drank so I could have more than one.

My husband and I had a rule that I drove up and he drove home.  I said (and told the kids) this is because he gets too impatient driving up. Really the excuse was that if I finished skiing before the rest of them, I could go sit in the sun and have a couple more beers and not have to worry about driving home (dh does not drink while skiing - he would wait until he got home - that thought would be foreign to me).

OMG! I LOVED sitting in the sun at the ski area with a beer - one of my favorite things ever!

I would have a glass of wine in the hot tub when we got back which I LOVED doing!

Drinking at lunch and after just made everything more fun (I thought). In truth I guess it did make everything fun - I can't lie about that. It really did! However, is it worth all the agony and torture that it brings with it - the anxiety, depression, hangover, exhaustion, mental obsession, the feeling crappy all morning while skiing? The answer is NO! And honestly, now that I think about it, I was usually drinking by myself at lunch and in the hot tub.  Who am I having fun with - me, myself and alcohol. Maybe I actually looked at alcohol as my friend....weird.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

1/22/15 (Thurs) - Here come the drinking dreams - Day 22

I knew they would start eventually.  I had a very restless night last night.  Only remember bits and pieces, but all of the dreams seemed to be in the black and white, hazy atmosphere - kind of like those old black and white movies. .  I just remember seeing one single glasses of wine sitting on a table multiple times over the course of my dreaming. Kind of like the picture above but full of red wine. It was just sitting there, all by itself calling to me.  I kept stealing glances at it. No matter where I was or what I was dreaming it was still there.  I really wanted it, but I don't remember actually drinking it.  Then right before my alarm went off, my dreamed snapped to me being in jail (sober), standing at the bars with drunk vagrant looking people behind me  and saying, "I can't be in here with all these drunk people.  I'm not like them. Pleaes get me out."  Whoa....

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Growing up

“Your life has always been a process of growing and outgrowing.  You quickly outgrew your clothes as an infant.  You outgrew your shoes before you wore them out.  You took great pride when you grew beyond that mark on the tree, the door frame, or the chart in school.  You were happy when you grew through puberty into your adolescent body.  However, for some reason, today it is difficult to accept you have out-grown a habit, career, relationship, or even your hometown.  You hold on, afraid to let go, trying to make it work, subjecting yourself to physical, emotional, and spiritual pain.  This is not a good thing!  If life is going to work in your behalf, you must give yourself permission to grow.  If it no longer makes you happy; if you are searching unsuccessfully for ways to make it work; if you know in your heart of hearts that whatever it is, it’s over---let go and grow.  Be willing to search for new ways to grow.  Be open to new environments to grow in.  Always be on the lookout for people who are growing and are willing to help you grow.  Never feel bad about your growth.  Some people will not support you.  Others will try to make you feel bad.  You might be afraid.  You might even experience some pain. Know that it is all a part of growing and growing up.  If you need a little taste of the pain you will create when you do not allow yourself to grow, stick your feet into the shoes you wore to the high school prom!”

Faith in the Valley by Iylanla Vanzant

I saw this on Women for Sobriety today.  I thought a long time about what it was saying.  Maybe it is time for me to not only grow up but to rejoice in a new more mature, less selfish, peaceful person.  

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Today's My Birthday

Rainbow rd

Happy 47th birthday to me!

I am giving myself:

Time to really find myself after living with weekend binge drinking for 30 years
Time to figure out who I want to be, what I want to do, and how I want to live
Time to find patience, peace and self love
Time to get healthy mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually
Time to get back in shape and fit into my clothes
Time to get my finances in order pay more attention to what we spend
Time to pay more attention to the ones I love
Time to be more accepting of others
Time to truly be the person I want to be without having to convince others that I am that person
Time to have my actions speak louder than my words
Time to accept myself without worrying about what everyone thinks
Time to worry about myself and my own struggles instead of focusing on others problems/faults
Time is prove to myself that I do not need alcohol to be happy
Time to stop the mental battle and obsession alcohol
Time to stop struggling
Time to love myself
Time to find peace

There is no way I will accomplish this list without "dropping the rope".

I am giving myself the gift of time without alcohol.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Freaking out!

I had a wild thought this morning that I was going to abs 365 days and went ahead and changed the name of my bog.

Now I am freaking out - why did i do that? that is too much commitment! what if I can't do it? what if I don't want to do it?

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Day 18

Well, I got through the weekend.  I am off tomorrow but won't feel tempted.  It was pretty easy. No big deal really.  Got some good sleep and a lot done.

One thing I have noticed is that I have a hard time having small talk with people when I am sober. I wonder if that gets easier.

My neighbor came over last night.  She and her husband had been drinking (I always drink when I am with her) but I wasn't.  She asked me why and I just said that I am taking a break.  That when I had quit for 9 months previously I just felt better.  I certainly slept better (after the first month) and that probably made me just feel better in general.  She said, "Yea, I have thought about that too.  I think it really has an effect on my sleep too."  So no big deal, but I did notice that our conversation was a little uncomfortable with some awkward silences.  When I am drinking, I am usually talking nonstop.  When I am sober, not so much, so no one was talking.  In the past I would have been getting her beers just so she would stay and keep drinking with me, but last night I just wanted her to go home because it was 10:30 and I was tired.  I guess if that makes me boring I will take it because there are probably a lot of people out there that go to bed at 10:30 on a Saturday night sober.  In the past I would have only been in bed at that time on a Saturday if I had drank too much.

I really did enjoy my weekend and I hope it stays this easy.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

He didn't love them (me) enough

I was just watching Intervention and it was about this couple addicted to weed and crack.  They had the intervention and were threatened with losing their two sons if they didn't take the treatment.  The mom did, but the dad walked away saying he would sign over custody.

My heart just broke and I started crying.  Then I thought, "He didn't love them enough, just like my dad didn't love me enough."  And I cried harder....

That's a rough thought to have in your head....maybe I drink so I don't thin about it.....

sunshine calling replied to one of my posts with the following comment. I wanted to post it so that I could find it the next time I have those sunshine urges.

I found distraction worked really well for me. Sun was a big trigger for me too. When I was feeling it I would walk...and walk...and walk (lol). Also, I would just sit in the sun and kind of meditate. Just be present in the moment and really feel what I was feeling. Then I could focus on my clear head, the cold water in my glass, the deep and cleansing breaths. Then I would project into the evening. I could see myself in my comfy bed, all snuggled down and sleeping the sleep of the sober. THEN, the best part...waking up with no hangover.

If that didn't work then I'd go one better...I sit there and imagine PAST that first sip (which is always the best). Past that point of ahhh to the point of ugh! When I'd end up slurping instead of sipping and stumbling into bed instead of snuggling. AND all the way to waking up with a horrendous hangover, shame and WTF did I do thoughts.

Then I'd take another deep cleansing breath. That usually did the trick.

This strategy really spoke to me. So many times I just avoid those situations and then feel like I am missing out on everything enjoyable in my life. Instead I think I need to still enjoy those situations that feed my soul but do it without alcohol. Who knows, eventually I may even enjoy it more.

I went to bed last night thinking: I am so glad I am comfy in my bed sleeping sober sleep rather than collapsing into bed and waking with feelings of anxiety and depression.

Thank you Sherry!



I like this one.  I also like "Don't always believe what you think" such as:

I can't enjoy the sunshine without a beer.
I can't have fun without alcohol.
I can't go on vacation without alcohol. If I do it would be boring.
I can't celebrate without alcohol
I can't go to a party without alcohol and have fun.
I am going to be left out if I stop drinking.
I will be boring in I stop drinking.
Life will be boring if I stop drinking.
I don't know if I can do this forever.
This is ridiculous!
I am not that bad.
I always do this right after a particularly bad hangover (and always in January).
I am overreacting and obsessing.
I don't drink during the week so what's this big deal?
As long as I don't ever have another hangover, I will be fine.
I can control this.

I am having anxiety even typing this list...

Friday, January 16, 2015

3 day birthday weekend

BIG BIG triggers coming this weekend:

1.  It is a three day weekend for me.  I am only a weekend drinker so this would give me an excuse to drink Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights!  I would be excited!

2.  My 47 birthday is Tuesday.  Need I say more?  Birthdays are always a good excuse.  Nice dinner, nice wine.

3.  It is supposed to be a nice weekend here.  The sun shining in the afternoon always brings thoughts of relaxing in the sun with nice cold beer.

My nasty little voice is calling me but I will stay strong.

Thursday, January 15, 2015


My definition of me

Why do I worry so much about what other people think of me?  After a night of drinking is the worst. Is is also really bad when I am suffering from anxiety and depression between my drinking weekends.

I think part of my path to sobriety is to get over this.  Now I am worried about what people will think of me if I don't drink.  I am wracking my brain trying to figure out an excuse as to why I don't drink - I am on medication, I can't sleep when I drink, I am taking a break, I need to get back it shape, etc.  I know that when I have been at a party and someone is not drinking, it makes me uncomfortable.  I may a have a short conversation with them, but then I move on.  I don't want to be the one making people uncomfortable.  I don't want people to think I am weird or no fun or worse I don't ever want them to know the true extent of my problem. It seems like if they find out, then I am screwed of ever trying to moderate again bc they will look at me either like I am a failure or that I am "at it" again.  I would say 90% of the people in my life have no idea the personal torture and anguish alcohol brings to my life bc to them I look like a happy, healthy, productive, fun person. I tell them I'm not drinking and they will look at me like I am crazy.  They don't see it all.

I HATE that alcohol is such an accepted drug in our society.  It is almost expected that you drink socially and you are looked at as the oddball if you don't.  It is just a stupid drug!  Someone asked (sorry I can't remember who to give credit) if you look at an ex smoker (which I also am) like "poor them, they can't smoke, they can't control it, that sucks for them" or "good for them, they fought that filthy habit and won!"  Its just all so stupid!

Monday, January 12, 2015

Where is the fun you?

Well I got through the weekend sober! Yeah!  The only time I had a very slight urge was last night after we had been at my sister's house and we go back to our neighborhood and went to another party. My neighbor (long time drinking buddy) offered me a beer and it was a tiny tempting but not really because it was Sunday evening and that wasn't typically my hard times.  However, if I hadn't quit, I probably would have had a couple at my sister's and then had a couple more over there and would have woken up this morning tired, depressed, anxious and mad. So I did take some time this morning when I woke up to really feel those feelings of pride and sense of accomplishment.  I'm trying not to just blow it off and say, "No big deal" bc it is a big deal that I got through the weekend.  I will be fine now until next weekend.

Anyway, I was sober, which was super nice in the fact that I could actually have a real two sided conversation with people.  I especially made an effort to connect with one of my best friends in the neighborhood that I had been rude to on New Year's Eve.  When I am drinking, I feel that my conversations are very one sided and I get pretty selfish.  I am naturally a talker and when I drink it is a million times worse.  I just talk incessantly - even if no one is listening - hell, I really don'e notice or care if they are listening or not.  I interrupt, don't really listen and get really loud.  I just move around the room "talking" to whomever seems to be having the most fun = aka is just as buzzed as me and won't notice my level of intoxication.  That is not a conscious thought when I am moving in and out of conversations, but I think it is probably the truth. My brain just seems to be in the hyper state when I drink that it can't even slow down for a real conversation.

When I got home from my sister's house, my brother in law (the one who doesn't really drink) sent my a a text asking when the "fun me" was.  My sister also sent me a text saying that I was quiet and was everything ok?  For some reason this really bothered me.  I am a little hyper sensitive to what others think of me. I thought I was fine.  Probably much quieter, but not rude or standoffish or grumpy. I really was in a pretty good mood, just not my normal hyper, buzzed, loud self.  I don't really know what to do about this comment.

Do I want to be a "fun" girl without the alcohol or do I want to redefine myself as a more mature/calm 46 year old?  I feel like I am loosing part of my identity and that people won't have as much fun with me anymore.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Tug of War

I just saw this online:
Passage from “Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: Second Edition” by Steven C. Hayes, Kirk D. Strosahl, and Kelly G. Wilson:
Imagine that the situation you are in is like being in a tug-of-war with a monster. It is big, ugly, and very strong. In between you and the monster is a pit, and, so far as you can tell, it is bottomless. If you lose this tug-of-war, you will fall into the pit and be destroyed. So you pull and pull, but the harder you pull, the harder the monster pulls, and you edge closer and closer to he pit. The hardest thing to see is that our job here is not to win the tug-of-war …. Our job is to drop the rope.

Chaotic dreams

I have this one chaotic dream over and over and over.  The details are always a little different but the feeling is always the same.  Here was last nights:

I am not at home. I am in a hotel room somewhere.  Sometimes I have my own room, sometimes I am sharing.  Last night it looked more like a big bedroom in a house with three queen sized beds. Mine was in the corner furthest from the door.  All of my stuff I have with me is all over the place - like someone just ransacked it all.  It is all over the bed and the floor - clothes, bags, contents of my purse, money, makeup, shoes, toiletries, etc.

I am always in a panic, I'm talking full on panic attack, to find stuff.  I am throwing things around thinking I will clean it up later. This time all of my family is waiting outside to go into town and I can't find this one sock that I need.  I have one on and I can't find the other one, so I take that one off and try a different pair.  Again I can't find the matching sock in the mess so I just wear two different socks.  Just as I'm about to leave the room, I notice that I still have my slippers on. I think to myself that those aren't going to work on a bike so I search and search in that same panicky state for two shoes that match.  When I finally have find those, I can't find my wallet, etc. This just continues until I wake up.

Sometimes I end up walking up and down the streets in a frenzy, usually at night by myself,  because I don't know where I am and I have got to get tho the airport or I am going to miss my flight. I already missed the bus because I was once again in my room trying to find stuff.

Sometimes its family waiting, sometimes friends, sometimes no one but have a flight to catch, sometimes it is socks or my wallet or many times one particular pair of underwear....the details change but I usually wake up exhausted and sometime,s like today, with a headache.

What do you suppose it means?

Saturday, January 10, 2015

The icy path

I was walking my dogs this morning on a path that looked a lot like this except it was a lot more slushy so the ice was hard to see.  A metaphor occurred to me as I was walking.  Sobriety is a lot like this trail.  My temptation is just to put my head down and power ahead on my walk.  If I did that however, which I did try a couple of times, I would slip and possibly fall on my face.   I had to take it slow, be mindful, pay attention, be patient.  As soon as I thought the ice was gone, thought I had control, I started to walk faster, not paying attention and once again slipped and almost fell.

My past attempts at long term sobriety have been a lot like that.  I think that I will forever need to pay attention, to be diligent, to be mindful of maintaining my sobriety.  As soon as I think I have won, I will be right back to "just this once, just this one, I can handle it, I was just over-reacting, I am not that bad, I will just stick to my rules..."  and I could possibly slip as I have in the past but this time it could be a fall that I could not recover from...

This is my journey

Staying sober

1/10/15 (Sat) Saturday Voice - Day 10

My Saturday voice has not started yet.  I feel pretty good this morning.  A little tired, a little groggy, but maybe that is normal.  I know from my last 255 days sober that 10 days sober is nothing (in terms of good I will feel ) compared to 10 weeks.  I have a to do list today and I am actually going to get started on it.

In terms of tonight, I don't know what I want to do.  I kind of feel like going to dinner and a movie without drinking.  My sister is well aware of my struggles and would support me.  However, she is one that I have a great time drinking with.  Her boyfriend doesn't hardly drink at all ( I am a little jealous) and he is the one who "talked me into" drinking after my 255 days. We were at a nice restaurant, it was spring time (huge trigger for a teacher) and I REALLY wanted a glass of wine.  I felt like a freight train had hit me.  Seriously - I was having a full blown anxiety attack over how bad I waned one and if I was going to give in. The only time I ever remember feeling this way was when I quit smoking (which took my about 100 tries and 5 years).

He didn't really talk me into it, he just said things like "What is the big deal? Did you drink during the week? Did you drink during the day? Did you drink at work? I don't see what the problem is?"  I know he wasn't purposely trying to sabotage me, he just doesn't understand bc he is someone who can have one drink a month in a social setting and be fine.  He can take it or leave it and would rather leave it.  He is a great guy and would never do anything to hurt me, he just couldn't possible understand the hell that alcohol brings to my life. I also know that if I stood my ground and told him a wasn't drinking, he would drop it.  He really could care less if I drink or not.

I just need to stand my ground.  I will see how I feel later.  If I feel vulnerable or that Saturday voice is too loud I won't go.

Friday, January 9, 2015

So true

1/9/15 (Fri) My Friday Voice Did Not Win

It is 9:45 pm and I am sober :)  My daughter came over, I made a really nice dinner and we watched Parenthood.  We have been watching that since the beginning.  It has been our thing.  We love it!  It was so sad tonight. She was crying, I was crying, my dh was crying a little bit and my 16 yo ds just looks at us and says, "Yeah, this show looks fun!"

It really wasn't hard tonight.  I was pretty tired from work, it was cold outside and it wasn't sunny (the sun is a MAJOR trigger for me).  When I got home, instead of grabbing for that beer, I made myself a snack and let myself sit down and relax for a minute.  I would say that drinking helps me relax but I don't think it ever did.  Alcohol just winds me up.  It makes me want to socialize, to talk, to get together with the neighbors.  And I never just sit down.  I do make a pretty good hostess at parties, but it can be exhausting.

Anyway, I had my snack, made dinner, had a nice evening with my family and am going to bed early. And I feel really good :)

1/8/15 (Thurs) My Friday Voice is Calling

It just seems so idiotic to me that I am even considering drinking this weekend.  I can surely go at least 30 days (I have gone 255 days before)!  I was in so much physical, mental, emotional, spiritual pain one week ago but that little voice is trying to just slip little hints in there.

1st...we are having dinner with my 20 yo daughter who just moved out into an apartment. She is in college but close enough to drive.  It is killing me that she doesn't live at home anymore.  I am so happy and excited for her, but I feel like I just lost my daughter.  I know I haven't, but it is still hard. She wants me to make her lasagna for dinner and I said  I would.  I already have these visions popping into my head of coming home tonight and cooking with a drink.  Two big triggers for me are Friday and cooking so.....I drink.  The voice begins..."who cares? isn't going to kill you.... you deserve's Friday!...just drink that low alcohol beer so you can control your alcohol level..." sister and her boyfriend have asked us to go to dinner and a movie Saturday night.  I have a great time with my sister when we go out.....we drink.  The voice is saying, "Who cares...have a glass of's not like you are going to quit forever just had a rough New Years always do this - get all over-reactive when you have a hangover....just don't get wasted...what's the big are strong enough to control this...get a grip..."

3rd...we have been invited next door on Sunday to watch the Bronco game with my drinking neighbors.  Neighborhood drinking has really gotten me in trouble over the years because I don't have to drive. I always have a great time with them....we drink. "you're being ridiculous...if you go overboard this weekend, then just quit again next are fine....this is ridiculous....just drink and stop posting,... no one would even know you are struggling haven't told anyone in the real world..."

I am trying to fight back with..."I am not drinking...I can at least give my body 30 days...this is ridiculous...I compiled all of my feeling terrible after drinking posts into one document and it filled 12 pages!...I am sick of living like this...I am going to feel terrible about myself if I give in....I need to do this...I am strong enough...I am worth enough to fight this fight....I can be one f those beacons of light in the world who are are happy sober and don't need is just a stupid drug....children and dogs don't ever drink and are perfectly happy (I know that one sounds stupid but I do think about that)...I felt so much better when I didn't drink...I would be so proud of myself Monday if I don't drink...

While typing the last paragraph I have started tearing up a bit.  I think that deep down in my soul I don't think I can do this so I am already so sad about how I am going to feel on Monday.  I already have that anxiety and depression creeping in because as much as I say I can do this, I am so scared I can't do it long term let alone this weekend...

3 choices

1.  Shut my laptop lid, go about my weekend as usual, forget about all this drinking bullshit and just me normal, have a couple of drinks, assess how I did on Monday and reevaluate.

2.  Say that I am going to try to stay sober, but still shut my laptop lid, shut out all of this drama, try to bury all of these feeling in the back of my head and just try to white knuckle it through the weekend.  Just pray to God I don't drink and the weekend goes by fast because it is going to suck!

3.  Stay close to my mmabsers list and my blog.  Write often and a lot.  Keep my brain open and thinking.  Read my 12 pages of hell ever and over and over.  Remind myself what alcohol is doing to my life in general - not just the hangovers but the depressions, anxiety and lethargy. Be obsessed with being sober.  I think that might be the ticket.  I need to either be obsessed with being sober or I just buy it, stop thinking about it and drink.  Remind myself how proud I will feel Monday if I make it.

We will see....

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

1/6/15 (Tues) Day 6 and Hiding

Day 6

Today I am extremely exhausted.  I am not sleeping well.  I know it will take a few days to be able to sleep after that horrendous hangover.

Today I noticed that even though I am only 6 days in and I have been here before multiple times, something happens to my mood when I am contemplating quitting for good. I still don't feel mentally or physically well, but somehow, somewhere a sense of peace manages to creep in .  It is so hard to explain.

When I am in the middle of my weekend drinking periods, trying to manage, trying to moderate, I feel like I am hiding.  Hiding behind a veil of insecurity.  Almost like I am an impostor, a poser in my own life. I can laugh and fake it and have conversations but they don't feel real - I am talking about Monday -Friday when I am not drinking.  Everyone just gets on my nerves and I have no patience. My relationships suffer and I isolate myself.  It is almost like I just can't deal with anyone.  Everything feels so surface level.  I hide.

Then I drink on the weekends and have fun with people and then I go back into hiding.  I am a teacher and "I think" a pretty good one.  I love my kids and my job.  I put everything into them and their families.  It is my colleagues and family members that I can't deal with.  I have spent a long time blaming everyone else for how I feel, but I really do think it is the alcohol and what putting that depressant into my body every weekend is doing to me.

It took me years to connect how I felt Tuesday to Thursday - exhausted, heart palpitations, anxiety, insomnia, hot flashes to the alcohol.  I blamed it on other things - stress, hormones, age, sickness, etc. When I quit for those 255 I just felt so much better both physically and mentally.  I was so much more calm, authentic and real.  And I never felt like hiding.  Maybe the alcohol really is taking a tole on my emotionally as well, even when I am not drinking.  I just feel so insecure, unmotivated, behind, out of touch, bitchy, depressed, overwhelmed, impatient, exhausted, frantic, panicky, anxious, worried, confused, scared .........

Advice from Dr. Phil :)

I was watching Dr. Phil yesterday and he said two things to a 25 yo addict that really resonated with me.  I actually rewound the show multiple time to hear what he was really hear it..

1.  You are emotionally immature because of your drug/alcohol use. Therefore you do not have the ability to understand/practice delayed gratification.  You have impulse control problems and are unable to "pump the breaks" and tell yourself no.  Because of this you have depressions and anxiety which you then self medicate with drugs/alcohol.

Hello!?!?! - Was he speaking to me me directly? Was God speaking to me through him?  Weird!

2.  There are 4 levels of readiness (I can't remember the actual word he used) to quitting.  #1 court ordered. #2 because other people want you to do it #3 because you know you should do it #4 because you are so sick and tired of living like this that you are unwilling to take one more minute of it. You are going to do do what ever it takes , no matter how hard or painful it is to make a change.  That you refuse to live one more minute of your life in this place.

Humm.  I am certainly at #3 all the time.  I am at #4 every 3-6 months when I have just gotten worse and sick of it.  I really want to be able to stay at #4, but that feeling fades. I find myself back at #3 and convince myself I can control it this time.

Monday, January 5, 2015

1/5/15 (Mon) Disastrous vacation (most scary ever) - Day 5

Didn't sleep well last night - dreamt that someone was in the my house and I was really scared.  Also had the same dream I have many times a week - that I am running from something. It is always something different, but always running and usually without being ablr to find my underwear for my suitcase.

I want to put in the record how I have been doing since rereading all the BS sometimes helps me.

Tried to quit again last August when I almost destroyed my marriage, my family, my life because of the intense anxiety, depression , panic attacks and sleep deprevation that come from over drinking too many days in a row.

Had a couple of really embarrassing moments over the summer on the all inclusive vacation that I was so worried about last January when I once again swore off alcohol and quit for all of 19 days.

I threw a complete temper tantrum about two rooms we had.  It had a right to be uspet, but my reaction was again just so over the top.  Both my dh and I had been drinking so it became this fight about us the second time.  The first time he just tried to calm me down and tell me everything was ok. It was embarrassing in front of my kids.

We also went to the mountains for a skiing weekend and the hotel which I was so excited to stay at was having their pool renovated.  I of course had been drinking before we got there and I just about lost my mind.  I became "that person" that was practically yelling at the reservationist.  I was "that person" that everyone stopped and looked at.  I had one of my first full on panic attacks where I freaked out and then ran away. I sat our by the river and cried. Partially because I was so mad and partially because I was humiliated by my own behavior - especially in front of my kids.  Of course, I brush it off trying to explain the shit out of why I was so upset to them and that it was all for them - that I was trying to give them a perfect weekend and the hotel screwed it up.  In reality, I was the one screwing up their weekend.

Drank pretty consistently on the weekends all fall. Depression increasing again.  Just blocking everything and everyone out. Just doing what I need to to so get by.

Thanksgiving - drank Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

Christmas Break

Friday - did not drink - dog was attacked by a coyote and had to take him to the vet - he is OK thank goodness.  Also wanted this break to be different
Saturday - went to Zoo Lights - drank these mini margarita things in the car (not driving) before we got there.  Just trying to guzzle it down hoping my 16 yo son in back seat didn't notice.  Drank cider and Fireball at the zoo.  Really the only one drinking (10 of us went) but laughing about how "cider balls" was going to be our new drink.
Tuesday - decorated cookies with sister and family.  Drank wine and then had some coffee Kahlua. Kept going to the kitchen to sneak more in my coffee cup, lying about what was in it while watching Polar Express.
Wednesday - Christmas Eve - did well for a while but then slammed four beers in about 2 hours at the end.
Thursday - Had everyone over.  Pretty much drank wine all day
Friday - Felt really crappy but still drank wine in the evening.
Saturday - Went to the mountains for my dd 20 birthday.  Again slammed mini margaritas all the way up there (wasn't driving). Continued to drink all night - was really loud at the restaurant.  Apparently my daughter and her boyfriend had also done shots earlier but I was to wasted to notice.  Mother of the year award!
Sunday - Only drank 2 drinks - felt crappy from the day before.
Monday - Came home - drank wine in the evening - needed to rid of the bottles.
Tuesday - Drank wine in the evening - needed to rid of the bottles.
Wednesday - New Years Eve - a ton of drama with my sister - went to dinner and to see a movie - drank too much - went over to a neighbor's house at 11:30 and stayed until 4:30 AM! Super depressed that day because my 20 dd moved out.  Instead of being super happy and proud of her (which I am), it was about how sad I was to be losing her.  I just sobbed in my pillow when she left.

Now for the scary part
New Years Eve - I was a person I did not recognize - I was so rude and mean to my friend.  All of my frustrations just came exploding out of my mouth.  I have never been like that to a friend before.  I texted her the next day to apologize.  When I went to bed that night, looked in the mirror and seriously did not recognize myself.  It was the weirdest thing to look in the mirror and be so wasted that you truly are confused at what you are seeing.  I just stared for the longest time. I literally tore my clothes off and slammed my myself into bed.  I was experiencing an anger that I had only felt a few times in my life - always when overdrinkng.  The scariest thing for me is that they are becoming more frequent (probably 5 in the last year - 5 in my whole life previously) and they were destroying my relationships and my own sense of worth.  What is happening to me?

Saturday, January 3, 2015

1/3/15 (Sat) - Sooo lost...

I probably have had this title for  my post at least 3 times a year for the past few years.  I just don't understand why I can't get it through my head that drinking and I just don't really work out.  Sure, we have a lot of fun for awhile, but I always end up back in the same destructive place.

I've been off for Christmas break.  Over the past 15 days, I have drank 11 days with 6 of them being destructive (sneaking, guzzling, day drinking, etc.).

I almost ruined my life back last December, then again last August and NOW AGAIN!!!!

Once again I am exhausted!  I am so sick of everything g and everyone around me.  Life just sucks!  I am sooo sick of this cycle and am not sure I can beat it :(

I am mostly sick of myself.

I have a great time drinking and everyone around me probably doesn't even see what is happening to me.  I don't really even share it a lot anymore because I feel like I am just having a pity party for myself when I am the one that chooses to drink!  I just feel like everyone is sick of hearing about it! It is just all so stupid that I am in total hell because of something I should be able to control.  Nobody wants to hear about it anymore, so  I hide all of my isolation, anxiety, depression, guilt and drama.  I am once again in my own little personal hell inside my brain and I am so over it!

I don't know why I continue to do this to myself year after year after year!  I guess I am just not the kind of person I have been fooling myself into believing all this time.

I am soooooo lost......