Monday, June 29, 2015
I am obviously drinking again and not really enjoying it. I usually only drink on the weekends but it has now gone back to every weekend. I try to keep it to 3-4 drinks per day on the weekends, but it has been steadily creeping up. I really just want to not drink at all. I stopped for 8 months and felt amazing, but I am not abstaining right now and I need some accountability. I am a teacher, and I don't want this to be one more summer of partying and not taking care of myself. I am 47 years old and cannot go back to school this fall exhausted, anxious and depressed because of over drinking all summer. I am such an all or nothing person that I am either completely sober or just choose to ignore my drinking and not deal with it. My posting here is a way for me not not ignore it.
I hesitated posting because I really want to not drink at all because I felt like it was admitting failure in my attempts for sobriety. But I also don't want to drink, bury my head in the sand and not pay any attention. My drinking has shifted in that instead of just not paying attention to how much I drink and not realizing my over consumption, it is more of a how much alcohol can I put in my body before I have to go to bed. Like - I 'm just going to have one more at 1:00 am even though everyone else is in bed - feeling. Those feelings scare me because I don't understand them. Why do I need to do that? What is the point when I have clearly had enough, no one else is even up and I am going to bed?
Well, now I am back to drinking alone, drinking every weekend and feeling like crap about it. So I am back.