Sunday, August 17, 2014

different this time

For the first time in 19 nights, I actually slept through the night without without waking up in the middle of the night having an anxiety attack.  I actually woke up with a cautious optimism.

I have decided that I first need to work on my internal before I can do anything about my external.  My dd made me go to the gym with her today and I ran on the treadmill like there was no tomorrow! I think it was probably good for me.

Last time I stopped drinking (August 2012 - to see a complete history see my entry on November 12, 2013) and I went 255 days (until April 21, 2013).  I broke my abs in the spring which is always the hardest season for me to  abs.  During this time period, I didn't really do anything for myself other than not drink.  I gave myself permission not not work out, eat crappy, sleep all the time, watch too much tv, isolate myself - basically check out from life.  I felt like much of the time I was either "white-knuckling" the cravings or feeling sorry for myself because I couldn't go out bc everyone would be drinking.  I did learn a lot during this time and I really did overall feel much better, but obviously not good enough because I went back to drinking.  At first just a little, every once in a while, promising myself that if it got out of hand I would stop. My "out of hand" means drinking enough to have a hangover.  Slowly, progressively I got to that point over the next 210 days (November 12, 2013) and had a really bad Christmas break - huge fights, sneaking drinks, drinking in the AM, missing work because of anxiety - just in a really bad place). I quit again (January 1, 2014) and only went t until January 18, 2013. Well since January 18 until now the same thing has happened - I am pretty good for a while, really careful to protect this "gift" of drinking I have given myself.  But slowly over time, without even realizing it, it becomes every weekend, and then hangovers every weekend until I have time off from work and I drink every day and everything just explodes!  Every time it explodes I want to divorce my husband.  I don't know if I really do want to divorce him or if I just want o run away from everything as alcoholics often do.

BTW - I just went back and read my past blogs to find those dates - OMG it is the same pattern repeating over and over and over.... why can't I just see that?

Anyway, I think I need to approach my not drinking differently this time. I used to be an ex smoker and I tried and tried and tried to quit smoking.  The pattern really was very similar to what I am doing now except my periods on non smoking were marked by days not weeks and there wasn't the whole intoxicated part tp deal with.  When I finally did quit smoking for good, I made it a lifestyle decision.  I worked out, ate well, took care of myself, even quit drinking for 6 months.  It finally took hold when I wasn't quitting in isolation bu instead being more healthy overall.  Last time I quit I think I felt more like a victim, powerless.  This time I am going to try to be proactive, powerful in my decision, healthy in all of my choices.  

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Day 7 "normal"

Well is is day 7 but I still feel crappy.  I knew I would.  Still tired, still heart palpitations, still anxiety, still headaches, still depressed, still don't know what to do with my life....

My husband is having a hard time. he really either wants to get on with breaking up or decide we aren't and get everything back to normal.  I am not sure I can do that.

Although I am not sure how much of all of this is due to my drinking,  I do know that it can't go back to normal. Normal was not good.  Normal was me being responsible for everything - cleaning, cooking, groceries, meal planning, yard work, bill paying, anything involving the kids, etc.  He would help whenever I asked him but all of that responsibility has been on my shoulders for almost 30 years and I am exhausted. Normal is nothing ever getting done around here regarding house maintenance.  Project are left unfinished, things are falling apart, he just seems overwhelmed and stressed out to do any of these things that need to be done, so I just worry about them. Normal is him denting in the spot on the couch because other than work that is basically all he does. Normal is only having fun when we are drinking and that isn't even necessarily together just at the same party and sometimes ends in fighting.Normal is me walking around bitter, angry, depressed, trying just to ignore how I feel, putting on a "happy" face, keeping my head down and powering through while he seems fine with that as long as I'm not leaving.

I know that it is not fair to ask him to sit around and wait while I figure out my own shit, but it really is the only option he has right now other than leaving...

My heart is breaking right now for him, for my kids, for this life we have built, for me....

Thursday, August 14, 2014

that little voice

I feel a little better today.  Still tired, a little head-achy but the anxiety has come down and I feel a little calmer.  I went back into this blog last night.  I have been blogging for a couple of years and it is amazing how fast you forget your own journey.  Alcohol has this way of making you forget all of the pain you have been through in the past.  I have been to this place so many times.  Why do I care so much about drinking? I just can't figure it out?  Why do I want to continue to do something that is counterproductive to living a peaceful, calm life?  Why do I so desperately want to be able to drink moderately? I get that it is a drug and I am addicted but it just all seems so stupid and pointless and a waste of energy.

The whole little voice in my head that isn't loud now but  I know will be is intriguing to me - the one that says, "You are OK. You haven't  had this or this happen...you don't do this or this...you just need to try harder to keep it under control...you can do it...your aren't one of "those"people that says you don't drink and people cringe in comfortableness...one beer or glass of wine isn't going to kill you..It doesn't matter what others think...you will just show them that you are strong enough to control it...you can do this....you are strong enough...you are not your father...

Where does that voice live?  Where does it hide?  Why does it keep coming back?  Is it part of my own psyche or something separate from who I am? Is my real voice this one or the one that doesn't want to suffer the consequences of drinking?  (I really don't have a strong voice that doesn't want to drink just one that doesn't want to the pain that follows) Why does it win??

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

so true


numb

I woke up today just numb.  My eyes are all swollen and bloodshot, and I have to go to work.  In the darkness of the early morning I felt like we should try and work things out,  That I just have to give it time. Later today I'm sure I will feel differently.  We will see.

My husband does have addition problems of his own.  On an off nicotine, which is a b*** every time he tried/tries to quit and does drink on the weekends - not a lot but still every weekend.  His issues lie more with severe social anxiety, anxiety in general, severe (IMO) depression, very low self esteem, maybe ADD since he has a hard time following conversations let alone participating in them, insomnia, chronic back pain from a surgery he had 9 months ago that was supposed to take the pain away.  He is basically checked out, angry, depressed and negative.  I do feel bad for him especially when it comes to the pain, but he has been this way for a long time.  He basically feels that so many bad things happened to him in his past including physical trauma to his head, past drug abuse as a teenager, and other things that he won't talk about that there is no hope for him.  He doesn't think that anyone really loves him and that things will never get any better for him.  He always sees the negative side of things and never assumes the best in people.  This is sooooo hard to live with day in and day out.  But I also feel so sorry for him that I can't leave.  He feels that I am all he has left (he has his kids too but he thinks they love me more).  They don't, but I actually engage them and actively am part of their lives.  He wants to be with me but all he does it sit on the coach and watch TV.  I take care of EVERYTHING in this house.

I have asked him to get help before and he has tried different things like Ritalin, antidepressants, sleeping aids, lately he was on Lyrica for nerve pain in his leg/back but he quit taking it because it and most of the other drugs made his head feel worse/weird.  He is pretty adamant about not taking pills - he has had both brothers with pretty severe addiction issues.  He took no pain pills after a shoulder and a back surgery. He is terrified of becoming addicted and also of talking to anyone about his problems.  He can barely talk to me about them.

I have tried to help him, build him up, make him feel better, diagnose him for so long I just don't know what to do.  I have become angry and resentful and I know he knows that which makes him feel even worse.  I don't feel like it is my job to fix him anymore but I also can't leave him in such a fragile state. I don;t know if he would make it.

I asked him yesterday if he would rather be with me without any affection or without me.  He said with me because I don't think he thinks he could get or deserves any better.  He said if I left him he would just be alone forever because he would never want to go through this pain again.  I am all he wants and if he doesn't have me he will just me alone.  And I should have the kids because he thinks they need me more.

He did agree that he needed help and agreed to talk to a therapist but I am seriously not hopeful.  He doesn't trust anyone.  He thinks all they want to do is medicate him and I highly doubt he will be able to talk to anyone but we will see. I know he needs help and so do I.

I do know that today I will not drink.  Day 4



Tuesday, August 12, 2014

sorrow, sadness, confusion

I feel so alone right now.  Today at work, I found myself wishing I would fall and hit my heard or something so that I could just go home and go to  bed and no one would know why.  I went back and forth between feeling like I was going to pass out out and start crying.  I was ready to quit my 23 year teaching care, walk out the door and never look back.

My marriage is in trouble.  I married very young  (age 18) - he was 23.  Our relationship has always been bound by booze.  When we were young, we partied every weekend with our friends and had a great time.  I had my first child at 27 and my second at 30.  From age 27 to 40 we were busy raising kids.  We had some pretty major fights, but just made up and moved on.  As our kids got older we started partying again, but it was different.  We now fight when we drink to much and it is not pretty and divorce always gets thrown out.  He was always the one to say it, but now we both do.  I am really struggling right now with what to do.  I am not sure or not if I love him.  Shit,  I was so young when I got married I am not sure I even know what love is. There is no passion/affection/intimacy between us, really never was but he is willing to live with that just to keep me.

I have been in this deep dark pit before of anxiety, depression and sheer terror over what to do.  It usually follows either a drinking binge or once it happened when I was coming off of pain pills.

Should I tell him I want a divorce and destroy everyone around me - him, my children, our home, our family, our neighborhood connections.  This sounds sounds  so utterly terrifying that  I can hardly breath when I think about it. I truly think that deep down inside it is what I want, what I have wanted for a long time but am not willing to hurt everyone else.  But, I am also afraid that I am really just having an emotional breakdown and will ruin everything because of something that will pass.

Should I just ride this out for awhile and see if it passes?  In the meantime I have him coming home from work everyday crying because he doesn't want to loose me and then I am crying because I am hurting him and am so confused.  I don't know how long we can continue this.  I do know that we do both need some professional help.

Are all of these feelings really the way I feel or are they a result of my drinking week last week?

Robin Williams, "It waits."

"It waits. It lays in wait for the time when you think, 'It's fine now, I'm OK.' Then, the next thing you know, it's not OK. Then you realize, 'Where am I? I didn't realize I was in Cleveland.'"

This is a quote from the late Robin Williams.  I think it is so sad that he is just one more victim of this terrible, awful disease.  

I could always see a bit of a sadness in his eyes.  I am so sad he is gone.  

Monday, August 11, 2014

Feeling awful

am convinced that alcohol sends in my into a very dark place full of depression and anxiety.  Not just general anxiety, but full blown someone is sitting on my chest/I can't breathe/I am going to have a heart attack/I can't hold it together/I am having a mental breakdown/hot flashes/heart palpitations/chest pain/these weird tingling sensations that just wash over me/I am going to die panic attacks.  These always happen between 1:00 and 4:00 am. I wake up exhausted, confused, sad, ashamed, mentally and physically numb.  

I am actually considering the fact that I might have some sort of mental illness.

Oh and BTW - I didn't drink yesterday bc I felt like crap after 12 consecutive days of drinking between 3 and 8 drinks per day while on vacation usually starting in mid afternoon!  

Day 1 I guess...

Friday, August 8, 2014

Struggling

i am laying here in the midle of the night, cant sleep, have drank 10 days in a row, am depressed, anxious and so confused.  am i unhappy so i drink?  or is my drinking making me unhappy?

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

I'm back....again

Well...I have not had a hangover since new Year's Day but I have increased my drinking.  Spring is the hardest time of year for me.  School is almost out, sun is shining, vacations coming up, neighbors/friends call me to come out and "play". I think I drank every day over spring break. Not too many (maybe 2 -3 per day), but everyday is just way to much for me.  Got to get back on track...just saying.....

Monday, January 27, 2014

OK by past standards, but not anymore

SO I wanted to be true to my promise to keep a journal of my progress although I would really rather just ignore all of this... Friday I didn't drink at all and was fine with it. Saturday I was invited to a basketball game.  My sister had a glass of wine out when I got to her house and I found myself stealing sips from her glass - probably had no more than 1/3 a glass.  Went to the game.  Had a beer with her.  Then found myself offering to go get the kids food and drank another beer while walking around getting food by myself.  I didn't drink anything yesterday.

Now, in the past, I would have been ecstatic to not have drank Sunday through Friday and then only had a little over two on Saturday.  But I don't feel good about it.  One - it makes me grumpy,  not hung over/and I did sleep fine, but a little tired and irritable.  I don't know if my body just can't physically handle even small amounts anymore or if it is the disappointment in myself that I am drinking at all.

More than that I think it is becoming increasingly clear that it is more about "how" I drink.  I was sneaking on Saturday.  I only partly agreed to go to the game bc I, kind of subconsciously, knew there was a better chance that I would be able to drink if I went than if I stayed home.  The wanted a drink so bad at my sister's house - even came back in to "get something" so I could sneak one last sip.  I couldn't wait to buy her that drink, just so I could get mine.  And I volunteered to get the food just to have that second drink.  I told myself I was allowing myself two (that's not so bad) and by God I was having those two.

Not sure I am happy at all with that mindset.  Even though it was only two, I am pretty sure it would not classify as a healthily relationship with alcohol.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Sunday Football

Well..I live in Denver so I am sure you can imagine what football was like here yesterday.  I decided to have family over for the game.  I made a bunch of food, big pot of chili and was really looking forward to it - like in the past when I new I could drink.  My sister brought in a bottle of wine and had it opened by 1:30.  I looked at it, contemplated, and thought...not yet, still cooking, would rather have a clear head than get that whole hyper, distracted thing going on.  Over the course of the next 2-3 hours I went to my wine glasses 3 times to get one out and changed my mind. I went to the garage twice to get a beer and changed my mind.  I wasn't having an inner battle with myself, I wasn't trying to talk myself out of it...it actually seemed like I was trying to talk myself into it - and I didn't really want any.  Finally I poured a glass of wine, had three sips and dumped it out.  I jsus honestly didn't want it.  It didn't taste good, I was enjoying my clear head and my calm behavior, I didn't want to wake up with heart palpitations and hot sweats on my birthday.  I just really didn't want any.  I loved that feeling.. I hope it sticks around.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

3 glasses of wine

Yup, I had three glasses of wine last night.  I can't even explain why.  We went to dinner with my sister for my birthday and I just wanted to.  I didn't really think about it, I just did it.  Nothing crazy happened last night.  I was just a nice, enjoyable, relaxing night out.  Was home and in bed by 10:30 so feel OK today.  I did wake up at 1:30 with heart palpitations and night sweats.  I know that it was the alcohol.  Just doesn't seem like my body can tolerate it at all anymore.

I don't know what is next.  I sure do like the feeling of absing more than the feeling of drinking - I do know that.   I do know that I am going to keep posting my journey.  Usually, I just drop off the grid when I drink. I guess maybe I don't ever want to be accountable to the most important person in my life - me.

I will not/ can not spend the day beating myself up.  I've got a bunch of people coming over for the football game today.  My plan is to not drink.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Future Thoughts


I am doing great right in this moment.  Have no cravings at all to drink even though it is a weekend.  I really am pleasantly surprised at how at peace I am with the situation in the moment.  What is bothering me right now is the future.  Will I drink in the future?  Will I get through this 6 months?  Will I drink after that?  I am still having a hard time seeing myself as never having another drink again.  Well, I guess that's what they mean buy one day at a time.  I will focus on today and how glad I am to feel rested, calm, relaxed, motivated and in a pretty good mood.  The sun is shining and the wind isn't blowing (for the first time in days).  I am just going to do my best to enjoy this day, this moment and worry about tomorrow, next week, next month when it gets here.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Escape

Photo: I have come to drag you out of yourself and take you in my heart. I have come to bring out the beauty you never knew you had and lift you like a prayer to the sky.

Rumi

I just love this picture.  To me it represents how alcohol has been keeping me fenced in.  I have just lived for the weekends so I could drink.  And then I just recovered from the weekend.  I never really wanted to deal with anything (finances, relationships, commitments, etc).  I feel like I am slowly releasing the chains alcohol has on me so that I can move on to better times (greener pastures).

Monday, January 13, 2014

My mantra

Mahatma Gandhi

Monday, Monday

Your LIFE

I actually went to work today hydrated, well rested and clear headed.  Well that certainly is a nice change for a Monday!  No cravings at all this last weekend which is amazing.  We went out to dinner Saturday and normally I would be thinking about how terrible it would be without a drink, but we had been there previously when I had been absing so I had that connection to being there without drinking.  Having that prior experience sure helps. I think you just need to get through everything once without alcohol and then it doesn't seem as scary.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Vacation?

Inline image 1

Day 12

I am so nervous about putting down Day 12.  Something inside of me doesn't want to "officially" count days.  Maybe it is my fear of failure.  Maybe it is my constant worry about how I will get through the all inclusive Caribbean vacation we have scheduled for July.  I think somewhere in my head I am still thinking I will drink on that vacation.  And somehow I have my self convinced that it will be OK - that I will only drink during that week and only that week and then quit again.  I can't seem to wrap my head around not being able to have a drink when we first arrive, on the deck looking at the ocean, on the beach in my lounge chair, by the pool with the swim up bar where everyone is partying, at dinner, watching the sunset - it causes me a lot on anxiety and worry to even think about it.

My plan for right now - don't drink for today and try not to thin about the future.  My greatest hope would be that July would roll around, I would have all these months under my belt and I just wouldn't care anymore.  That I wouldn't even want to drink and be perfectly fine with the decision.  My fear is that I just go through these few months not counting up the days of sobriety, but counting down the days until I can drink.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

My Party

Day 11

So I didn't go tot he party  last night and I was fine with that.  I saw others getting in their car after work to head over and I thought about the anticipation I would have felt if I were going and drinking.  I used to feel like I just couldn't get there fast enough.  Sometimes I would go home and "freshen up" a bit before while also loosening up with a beer.  Although I felt a little twinge of that, I wasn't jealous.

I had to pick my son up at high school and get him something to eat (15 yo starving boy) so I couldn't have gone right after anyway.  If I didn't go right away, the anticipation would go away and sometimes I wouldn't go anyway - lesson - just wait it out, it will pass.

I woke up this morning wondering how  I would have had I gone and drank (like before).  Many times when I went to these work parties I drank so  much, got home really late and felt terrible the next day.  I am embarrassed to say, a couple times I even drove home when  I knew I shouldn't have.  Who knows maybe last night would have been the night I got a DUI, or God forbid gotten into an accident.  Maybe last night would have been the night that  I was saying, "I am so stupid!  I knew I had a problem!  Why did I let it get this far?  Why din't I just stop?"  I know deep down in my gut and in my sole and in my heart that if I don't stop something terrible is going to happen.  I am not a "doomsdayer" but I just know this path I am going down can not lead anywhere good.  Even if nothing terrible happens, nothing will get better - I will still be fighting this drug that is ruining my inner being.

Instead, last night, my husband, son and 19 yo daughter (who isn't home all that often) had a "Breaking Bad" marathon with plenty of popcorn and juice spiked club soda.  It was way more satisfying and felt so much better in my heart than if I was at that party ignoring my family just so I could drink!  Today I am not 100% - woke up with a headache and still feel tired, but I am proud of myself and don't have a hangover!

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Party invitations!

I was leaving school today, and my fiends yelled across the parking lot, "Are you going to go to the holiday party tomorrow after school?"  I said no.  They looked disappointed.  This makes me a little sad.  I love to feel included and wanted and I know we could and would have a great time - it has happened many times in the past.  There was a little voice inside my head that said, "Go ahead, no one would now.  You don't need to explain yourself to you blog readers of your online support group.  Who cares?  It would be fun - like old times."  It made me a little sad because I don't want to drink, and I don't want to go if I can't drink.  Urghhh

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Annoying People

Today I was thinking about how I behave when I am drinking.  I started thinking about this woman at the gym, probably my age, pretty, thin, ANNOYING!  She really is pretty nice if you talk to her in person - I have known her for a few years, but to watch her from a distance is so irritating.  She is so loud.  She wants everyone to hear her, to notice her.  She talks loudly even if the person she is talking to is right next to her, as if she thinks everyone else in the gym will be fascinated by what she is talking about.  We go into the yoga room. Most people are just sitting there - she is doing a headstand!

They say the things that most bug you in people are probably things you don't like about yourself.  Well, I think I am that person when I am drinking at a party.  I am soo loud, want everyone's attention and think I am just the shit.  I wonder if people look at me at parties the same way I look at her at the gym????  Probably....Well, that's embarrassing!

Monday, January 6, 2014

Pick your hard

Last night I was going through some of my old posts from my abstinent periods to try to figure out how long it took for me to stop being so tired.

I ran across a post that talked about a friend of mine.  She was going to Weight Watchers at the time.  The counselor said, "Being fat is hard...losing weight is hard...pick your hard."

I think it can also apply to alcohol in my life  "Drinking is hard.....not drinking is hard.....pick your hard."

When I drink on the weekends, I have figured our that 6 hours of drinking takes me 60 hours to recover from.  I think that answers the question.

Day 6 - hope it gets better

I am a teacher and today is my first day back after what was supposed to be a rejuvenating, relaxing, take care of myself 2 weeks off,  Instead I drank 7 of the 16 days off and had 3 hangovers, one of which I am still feeling the effects of.  I could not sleep at all last night - maybe got 4 hours.  I am so tired it.  It sucks to pull yourself out of bed thinking "Well let's get this over with" - as in the whole day! Like- let's get the day over with so I can get back to bed.  Was super sensitive yesterday, got in a stupid fight with 19 yo dd.  And all I keep thinking about is the all inclusive Caribbean vacation I booked for 6 months from now!  How am I going to do it? Can I go without drinking? Should I just drink that one week? What a waste of money if I don't!  I know - stupid! Just keeping it real.
Well - let's get this day over with - at least the kids aren't back today :(

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Breaking Bad and an interesting life

My question for the day is "How do I make life interesting without alcohol?"

We have been making our way through the Breaking Bad series and I love this show!  Especially Jessie!  I think I resonate with his addiction struggles.  He is addicted to meth which makes him way worse than me haha! He said something in one of the episodes - "It just makes everything more interesting."

I thought a lot about that and I think the same is true for me.  We went to dinner last night with our extended family.  Some were drinking a little, some weren't drinking, I wasn't drinking at all.  I really didn't miss drinking.  I really would rather have a clear head, be able to drive, not get so loud or have to be the center of attentions and I certainly was glad waking up hangover free...but...it just gets soooo boring!

I get bored with people, conversations, situations, activities that with a glass (or 5) of wine would become much more interesting.  Granted I wasn't really listening to anything anyone had to say when drinking, not in a genuine, attentive way, but everyone and everything is just more interesting under the influence.  Why is that?

I have a dear friend who likes to talk A LOT about herself and her problems.  I could sit and "talk" with her for hours with a glass (or 5) of wine.  Now I am bored after 10 minutes.

This was one of my biggest struggles during my last 255 sober days - boredom.  My boredom even started turing into - What's the point? What is my purpose? What even matters?  Why do we even live this mundane, boring existence?

How does life stay interesting sober??????

Saturday, January 4, 2014

So Far So Good

I got up this morning and went to yoga! It is beautifully snowy here and yoga was fantastic. It is so nice to wake up on a Saturday without any sort of a hangover!  Going to dinner tonight with the whole family.  I am sure they will question why I am not drinking AGAIN, I am just going to say, "Time for another break!  Got to get into that swimsuit this summer." I am sure they will either roll their eyes or be happy for me, but I am sure that no one will be surprised.

I belong to this absers online support group, and one of its very wise members had responded to another member.  Buried in the text were these 5 tiny little words that pretty much say it all for me....

 If nothing changes, nothing changes.



Friday, January 3, 2014

End of Day 3

Finally, finally I feel better tonight!  I have some energy back, my heart rate has stopped racing, my anxiety is a little better and I feel at peace with my decision - at least for the moment!I forgot how somehow freeing it can be to just know I am not drinking this weekend.  Like at least for the moment the mental battle has subsided. My brain feels a little calmer, a little more relaxed.  One day/weekend at a time.  Sometimes is really stresses me out to think about next weekend or my birthday in a couple of weeks or a vacation 6 months from now. I am going to try to just focus on the here and now and right now I am glad I am not drinking,

Day 3 - again - this one sucks!

Well, I knew this was going to be a doozy of a hangover.  Every time I binge drink (which for me  4 or more in one evening  - either Friday or Sat) it gets a little worse.  New Year's Eve  was way worse than that so I knew it was going to be bad.  I am going to keep a diary of this hell so I can look at it later when that bastard addictive voice comes calling!

Day 1 - felt like complete shit - spent the whole day in bed, couldn't focus on anything, couldn't even get the motivation to do the dishes or put in a load of laundry, laid in bed most of the day waiting for it to pass.  So tired (went to bed at 3:30 and woke up at 8:00 with head and heart pounding).  I wanted to sleep so bad but couldn't.  Restless exhaustion!  I hate it! My heart was pounding - doing somersaults, my head was spaced out, unable to focus, lagging, tried to read - couldn't, tried to watch TV-couldn't, all I could do was lay there and hope the hours would pass quickly.  Mood - extremely agitated, extreme anxiety, depression, anger over what I had said to people (it kept creeping into my thoughts and I had to just close my eyes and push them away), extreme guilt for my kids seeing me this way - please just let it be time to go to bed!

Day 2 - didn't sleep well - so tired - supposed to go to the gym with dd - blew her off - all day I had flu like symptoms - I did get some stuff done - laundry and grocery store but just didn't feel well - a little nauseous, body aches, hot flashes, rapid heart rate, anxiety...in the past I would have blamed it on something else - getting sick, eating like crap the day before, stress of the holidays. That is BS - this is detox!  My 120 pound, 45 year old body just can't take that kind of poisoning any more - I am still physically sick from alcohol.  Blaming it on anything else would be denial.  I know a lot of alcoholics drink to feel better - for me it never really occurs to me to do that until I feel better in 4 or 5 more days - how convenient and ironic - the next weekend! So then I just start the whole process over - Sunday - Day 1 - feel terrible, Monday - Day 2 - at work (which lately I have been calling in sick on Tuesday because I  have extreme anxiety at work on Monday - I guess I can't say that it doesn't interfere with my job anymore), Tuesday - Day 3 - still feel tired, Wednesday - Day 4 - starting to feel better (finally!), Thursday - Day 5 - promising not to drink this weekend, Friday - Drink!, Saturday - Drink! Sunday - Day 1! over and over and over and over and over..............  

Day 3 - Today - had tons of dreams last night, but didn't sleep well.  I would have these stressful dreams - running from something, hiding, witnessing my cousin going through detox, and then I would wake up in a jolt. I am usually hot at night but last night I was FREEZING! I had all my jammies, a sweatshirt, three blankets and huge socks on and  just couldn't warm up.  I felt cold from the inside and kept having these waves of chills run through me - that's a new one! Plus i kept havin g this jabbing feeling in my brain, like someone was running a poker through my skull - that was fun!  I do feel a little better this morning, however  I feel like I am just trudging through my day :(

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Well....here goes....again....

So I posted quite a bit in November, getting to what seemed to be my breaking point again.  I went into great detail at the number of days I had been sober in the past and how I had slowly been slipping since I decided to try moderating again last spring.  Well. obviously, I didn't stop because I stopped posting.  Not only did I not stop, but I got worse.  Since my last post, I have drank every weekend, usually to the point of having a hangover and the holidays were a disaster.  It started the Sunday before Christmas.  I wasn't drinking, but had over the weekend so I was probably tired, depressed, having anxiety - you know the typical bullshit after drinking.  My husband and I got in a huge fight over something really stupid and didn't talk to each other until Thursday - yes...over Christmas.  I have to kids - 19 and 15 - who were pretty upset over the whole thing.  I know the fight was justified on my part (of course) and I hadn't been drinking but I do believe the ever increasing amount of alcohol I had been drinking over the past few months, were making me generally depressed, anxious and extremely moody, which added a bunch of fuel to my anger which blew the fight up into something bigger than it needed to be.

On Christmas Day I did something for the first time ever.  I was so stressed out about not talking to my husband, sure we were heading for divorce, upset for my children and having 15 people over for dinner, that I went to the garage and guzzled a beer at 11:00 in the morning just to be able to cope.  This is something I haven't ever done before.  Sure I have hidden my drinking and guzzled in private.  I don't hardly ever drink in the morning but it has happened before on vacation.  What was new was they feeling that I "needed" it to be able to cope.  Usually when I am upset or angry I don't want to drink.  I usually drink out of happiness or even boredom, but not as a fully admittable coping mechanism.  I then brought in 3 beers - one for me, one for my mom and one for my sister.  I set them down on the counter with a "It's 5:00 somewhere comment" and cracked it open with a "I could give a shit what you all think - I am drinking this beer and you better shut up about it!" attitude.  That is also new behavior for me.  Well, I switched to wine and drank all damn day.  I had also had plenty the night before when I broke down in tears to my sisters and mom about how  mad I was my dh, which I regretted most of what I had said the next day.  I was mean and nasty and cussing and cruel.  At the time of drinking, I don't think I look, sound or am acting drunk at all.  Then the next day, I realize I made a fool of myself.

As if that wasn't bad enough, we went to a New Year's Eve party in the neighborhood, in which I stayed until 3:30 am getting pretty hammered apparently.  Again, I didn't feel that drunk at the time, but I had one of the worst hangovers I have every had yesterday - never got out of bed, rapid heart beat, sweating, etc....I asked my dh if I seemed drunk bc I didn't really feel like it at the time.  He probably wouldn't have said anything unless I asked but since I did, he informed be of my behavior and the things I was saying (which I had forgotten about) and once again I made a total ass of myself - while at the same time feeling completely in control at the moment.

Funny how alcohol doesn't even allow you to see how out of control you are getting - it is like a veil of complete bullshit in your own mind. Then,  my kids are telling me, "It's OK mom,  It was New Years. Everyone drinks too much.  Don't beat yourself up."  How terrible that I have my kids living in the same sense of denial, trying to make their hung over, drunk ass mom feel better because of her self inflicted poisoning of her own body!  Boy, that sure it setting a good example!

I AM DONE!!!!!!