8/13/14 (Wed) - Numb

I woke up today just numb.  My eyes are all swollen and bloodshot, and I have to go to work.  In the darkness of the early morning I felt like we should try and work things out,  That I just have to give it time. Later today I'm sure I will feel differently.  We will see.

My husband does have addition problems of his own.  On an off nicotine, which is a b*** every time he tried/tries to quit and does drink on the weekends - not a lot but still every weekend.  His issues lie more with severe social anxiety, anxiety in general, severe (IMO) depression, very low self esteem, maybe ADD since he has a hard time following conversations let alone participating in them, insomnia, chronic back pain from a surgery he had 9 months ago that was supposed to take the pain away.  He is basically checked out, angry, depressed and negative.  I do feel bad for him especially when it comes to the pain, but he has been this way for a long time.  He basically feels that so many bad things happened to him in his past including physical trauma to his head, past drug abuse as a teenager, and other things that he won't talk about that there is no hope for him.  He doesn't think that anyone really loves him and that things will never get any better for him.  He always sees the negative side of things and never assumes the best in people.  This is sooooo hard to live with day in and day out.  But I also feel so sorry for him that I can't leave.  He feels that I am all he has left (he has his kids too but he thinks they love me more).  They don't, but I actually engage them and actively am part of their lives.  He wants to be with me but all he does it sit on the coach and watch TV.  I take care of EVERYTHING in this house.

I have asked him to get help before and he has tried different things like Ritalin, antidepressants, sleeping aids, lately he was on Lyrica for nerve pain in his leg/back but he quit taking it because it and most of the other drugs made his head feel worse/weird.  He is pretty adamant about not taking pills - he has had both brothers with pretty severe addiction issues.  He took no pain pills after a shoulder and a back surgery. He is terrified of becoming addicted and also of talking to anyone about his problems.  He can barely talk to me about them.

I have tried to help him, build him up, make him feel better, diagnose him for so long I just don't know what to do.  I have become angry and resentful and I know he knows that which makes him feel even worse.  I don't feel like it is my job to fix him anymore but I also can't leave him in such a fragile state. I don;t know if he would make it.

I asked him yesterday if he would rather be with me without any affection or without me.  He said with me because I don't think he thinks he could get or deserves any better.  He said if I left him he would just be alone forever because he would never want to go through this pain again.  I am all he wants and if he doesn't have me he will just me alone.  And I should have the kids because he thinks they need me more.

He did agree that he needed help and agreed to talk to a therapist but I am seriously not hopeful.  He doesn't trust anyone.  He thinks all they want to do is medicate him and I highly doubt he will be able to talk to anyone but we will see. I know he needs help and so do I.

I do know that today I will not drink.  Day 4