Wednesday, September 13, 2017

3 Months!!! 9/13/17

Image result for 3 sober months

Today marks three months of not drinking for me.

The ups:
Sleeping way better
Feel better
Heart palpitations gone
Anxiety much better
Depression slowly lifting
More motivated
Easier to focus
More positive with others
More compassionate
More patient
Less sensitive
Less selfish
Working out consistently
Hiking every weekend with dd
Easier to honor committments
More present in all moments

The downs:
Still tired - but getting better
Haven't lost much weight - but will
Only a couple of bad cravings  - but they passed
A couple of sad moments when thinking about never drinking again

I'd say that is a whole lot more ups than downs!  I'm going to just keep on keeping on :)

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Today will be interesting 9/2/17 (Sun)

I am having my family over for dinner for the first time since May. I wrote this blog the event. I was really struggling in May, as is true every May, with drinking too much, hangovers, depression, exhaustion and anxiety.  When my mom starting guilt tripping me - I lost it.  I had a right to say everything I said and I don't regret it. What I regretted was my delivery.  I don't want to be the drunk yellar that is losing my mind when angry.  I had been drinking, of course, and I did not handle myself in a very mature way.

Hopefully, today will be different. Hopefully, today, she won't try to make me feel guilty about what is going on with my sister.  I know she knows it is my sister's fault, but she also knows I have been the only one to fix it in the past so she can get to me easier.  My sister just washes her hands of it and won't talk about it.

Not this time, mom, I have lived long enough with her treating me like shit - like she is better than me - like she never does anything wrong - like if she hurts my feelings, it is my fault bc she that wasn't her "intention". I am not perfect, but when I hurt someone I apologize even if I don't think I did anything wrong.  If I care about them, it doesn't matter what my intentions were. It matters that something I said or did hurt them even if unintentionally and I apologize.  Not my sister - somehow she always twists is around so that either I am overly sensitive and "we just don't see things the same way" or she is the victim.  She is always the victim and can successfully turn any situation around in which she is in the wrong to making me look bad in some way. When she started doing this to my adult children as well as putting up with it since high school, I just decided I was done. It is extremely painful for me as she is my sister, but I just can't have that kind on mental manipulation in my life.

She hasn't spoken to me in almost two years.  I think it has something to do with the fact that when our other sister got in a life threatening accident two years ago, I was having a little tif with her significant other and we weren't on the best terms.  She (my manipulative sister) was enjoying being in the middle and kind of playing both sides.

After the accident, the bother in law (of the injured sister) and I dropped all of our petty bullshit and came together to support my sister.  I was there every day for 6 months - heavily involved in anything I could do. My injured sister and I became very close again. She really appreciated everything I had done for her and I really appreciated the fact that she was still alive.

My younger sister couldn't handle it - she got so jealous that she started acting like a high schooler - walking out of rooms when I walked in, giving me dirty looks, telling everyone else goodbye except my family, making comments about "true colors" and that maybe I should "just marry my bother in law." Just stupid shit.  I have put up with this behavior from her for years but when she started being really mean to my adult kids I had had enough.

Then we found out some really bad stuff about how she was living her life.  She had been lying to us for years and actually had put our children in dangerous situations.  When we all found out, I was actually  more worried about her mental state when she found out we all knew. I even texted her saying that I was there for her - even after all of the emotional abuse she had put me and my family through for the last 3 months (while my other sister was fighting for her life). She never texted me back and turned it around on us saying that we ambushed her. She picked up her kids and moved to another state, with a boyfriend that was instrumental in causing all of this - kind of outed her.  Her kids got sick and needed surgery and she told my mom, "I can't believe they wouldn't even be there for me and my kids during this time."  And my mom bought it - hook, line and sinker!

How dare her! I was just dumbfounded! When we found out about her secrets, I thought, "there is no way she can turn this one around and there is no way my mom could take her side this time."  Well I was wrong and last May, when my mom tried to make me feel guilty about not supporting HER when her kids were sick, I lost it! She cut me off!  She moved away! She has chosen to not have two aunts, two uncles and four cousins be part of her kids' lives! She ripped this family apart. She refuses to try, in any way, to make things better. She has refused, just this once, to initiate a reconciliation. I didn't do anything wrong this time!

And most of all - she has hurt me so deeply that I can't even express it. I thought she loved me, cared about me, valued me in her and her kids' lives.  I guess I was wrong.

My mom is just so desperate for things to be ok - that she tries to guilt me into fixing it - bc I have always - ALWAYS - been the one to make things better in the past - for her. I am 73 days sober, in control of my emotions, what I say and how I act.  I am much less volatile, sensitive and reactive.  She just got back from a three month visit with my sister out of state and said she really missed all of us.  Hopefully she doesn't start any of her shenanigans, but if she does, I will not react and not play into it. Last time I felt like she brought it up three times bc she was baiting me into reacting.  The rift is so hard for her that she wanted someone else to be miserable about it too.

I just try not to think about it and let it be. If my sister ever wants me back in her life, she will let me know. I do miss her and especially her kids but this time it isn't mine to fix.  You teach people how to treat you. I will not let her get away with the way she has treated me and my family - not this time.  All she has to do is say, "I miss you, I'm sorry." and she can't even do whatever.

Wish me luck :)

Saturday, September 2, 2017

Crazy couple of weeks 9/2/17 (Sat)

I thought I would check in. I can't believe I haven't posted since 8/19.  I has been a crazy couple of weeks.  My daughter came back from out of state and moved in with us to finish up her college education.  She graduates in December.  I absolutely love having her around. She is motivating me to get up every morning at 4:30 and work out and to eat healthy.  My son moved out into a college dorm.  I miss him very terribly, but he is only 10 miles away and he is thriving at his "nerdy/super smart" engineering school.  He has finally found his people. I am super excited for him.  I have three weeks in the books already for this school year.  I have new teammates, a new bunch of sixth graders and different curriculum to teach this year, but so far so good - no drama :)

And I am sober 72 Days!  This time is so different.  I really don't have the "pink cloud" like I did last time maybe because sobriety isn't a new feeling, but I also don't have the depressed, deprived angry feelings when not drinking like last time either.

When drinking I was living a life of high/highs and low/lows.  I was either excited to get to drink on the upcoming weekend, actually drinking and having fun or suffering through a three day hangover and then the dull/depressed feelings in between.

Last time I quit I also had high/highs and low/lows. I either had the high/highs of waking up hangover free, being in awe of how present and calm I felt or the low/lows of being depressed and pissed that I couldn't drink on the weekends - fearful (terrified) of every situation - that I might screw up and drink or that I might have an anxiety attack bc I couldn't.

This time there isn't high/highs or low/lows.  I am still waiting for the "this is the best I have ever felt/I am so happy/my life is great" feelings.  I hope they do eventually arrive, but it isn't like I am miserable either. I feel like I am just chugging along, doing life, but in a more controlled way. I feel more in control of my emotions, my thoughts, my insecurities. I am working out and starting to feel the need to, I am less grumpy, sleeping better, getting a lot more done, feel a lot more present and really do feel calmer.

The biggest difference this time is that I really don't want to drink. I have only had two "close calls" in 72 days. One was the Tuesday afternoon when I had a full on panic attack and the 2nd was when we went out to dinner with our friends.  I just really don't seem to care about it - which is awesome.  I can also admit to myself that I did really like it and had a lot of fun drinking. I do miss the sense of connecting with people (albeit semi present/drug induced/somewhat fake connections) I felt while drinking with friends. I miss the hyper, excited feeling I would get about an upcoming weekend event.  I miss being the life of the party and having a lot of drinking fun. I miss going to new breweries on a Friday afternoon. I miss opening a bottle of wine or a cold beer on a Friday after a long week at work.

But all that I miss about it is not worth the misery it causes just isn't worth it.

I will give up the high/highs to not have to go through the low/lows. I just have to figure out how to be truly happy on the middle ground - to go from ho-hum to life is great. I also need to figure out how to calm down. Instead of drinking on the weekends now I am just constantly moving - cleaning, shopping, hiking, yard work, etc. While all of that is good stuff, I am not giving myself time to relax. When drinking (or smoking before I quit) I would sit down to do it. Both calmed me down in a sense. It is hard to explain bc alcohol revved me up but also made my brain not think about everything that I need to do, calmed it down and helped it have fun.  While alcohol made me miserable most of the time it did help me to stop thinking which in a way is relaxing. I need to figure out how to do that without a drug.

Well, that's it for now - off to clean my house, do yard work, do laundry, work out, pay my bills and go buy some hiking shoes - lol!