Today will be interesting 9/2/17 (Sun)

I am having my family over for dinner for the first time since May. I wrote this blog the event. I was really struggling in May, as is true every May, with drinking too much, hangovers, depression, exhaustion and anxiety.  When my mom starting guilt tripping me - I lost it.  I had a right to say everything I said and I don't regret it. What I regretted was my delivery.  I don't want to be the drunk yellar that is losing my mind when angry.  I had been drinking, of course, and I did not handle myself in a very mature way.

Hopefully, today will be different. Hopefully, today, she won't try to make me feel guilty about what is going on with my sister.  I know she knows it is my sister's fault, but she also knows I have been the only one to fix it in the past so she can get to me easier.  My sister just washes her hands of it and won't talk about it.

Not this time, mom, I have lived long enough with her treating me like shit - like she is better than me - like she never does anything wrong - like if she hurts my feelings, it is my fault bc she that wasn't her "intention". I am not perfect, but when I hurt someone I apologize even if I don't think I did anything wrong.  If I care about them, it doesn't matter what my intentions were. It matters that something I said or did hurt them even if unintentionally and I apologize.  Not my sister - somehow she always twists is around so that either I am overly sensitive and "we just don't see things the same way" or she is the victim.  She is always the victim and can successfully turn any situation around in which she is in the wrong to making me look bad in some way. When she started doing this to my adult children as well as putting up with it since high school, I just decided I was done. It is extremely painful for me as she is my sister, but I just can't have that kind on mental manipulation in my life.

She hasn't spoken to me in almost two years.  I think it has something to do with the fact that when our other sister got in a life threatening accident two years ago, I was having a little tif with her significant other and we weren't on the best terms.  She (my manipulative sister) was enjoying being in the middle and kind of playing both sides.

After the accident, the bother in law (of the injured sister) and I dropped all of our petty bullshit and came together to support my sister.  I was there every day for 6 months - heavily involved in anything I could do. My injured sister and I became very close again. She really appreciated everything I had done for her and I really appreciated the fact that she was still alive.

My younger sister couldn't handle it - she got so jealous that she started acting like a high schooler - walking out of rooms when I walked in, giving me dirty looks, telling everyone else goodbye except my family, making comments about "true colors" and that maybe I should "just marry my bother in law." Just stupid shit.  I have put up with this behavior from her for years but when she started being really mean to my adult kids I had had enough.

Then we found out some really bad stuff about how she was living her life.  She had been lying to us for years and actually had put our children in dangerous situations.  When we all found out, I was actually  more worried about her mental state when she found out we all knew. I even texted her saying that I was there for her - even after all of the emotional abuse she had put me and my family through for the last 3 months (while my other sister was fighting for her life). She never texted me back and turned it around on us saying that we ambushed her. She picked up her kids and moved to another state, with a boyfriend that was instrumental in causing all of this - kind of outed her.  Her kids got sick and needed surgery and she told my mom, "I can't believe they wouldn't even be there for me and my kids during this time."  And my mom bought it - hook, line and sinker!

How dare her! I was just dumbfounded! When we found out about her secrets, I thought, "there is no way she can turn this one around and there is no way my mom could take her side this time."  Well I was wrong and last May, when my mom tried to make me feel guilty about not supporting HER when her kids were sick, I lost it! She cut me off!  She moved away! She has chosen to not have two aunts, two uncles and four cousins be part of her kids' lives! She ripped this family apart. She refuses to try, in any way, to make things better. She has refused, just this once, to initiate a reconciliation. I didn't do anything wrong this time!

And most of all - she has hurt me so deeply that I can't even express it. I thought she loved me, cared about me, valued me in her and her kids' lives.  I guess I was wrong.

My mom is just so desperate for things to be ok - that she tries to guilt me into fixing it - bc I have always - ALWAYS - been the one to make things better in the past - for her.

Well...today I am 73 days sober, in control of my emotions, what I say and how I act.  I am much less volatile, sensitive and reactive.  She just got back from a three month visit with my sister out of state and said she really missed all of us.  Hopefully she doesn't start any of her shenanigans, but if she does, I will not react and not play into it. Last time I felt like she brought it up three times bc she was baiting me into reacting.  The rift is so hard for her that she wanted someone else to be miserable about it too.

I just try not to think about it and let it be. If my sister ever wants me back in her life, she will let me know. I do miss her and especially her kids but this time it isn't mine to fix.  You teach people how to treat you. I will not let her get away with the way she has treated me and my family - not this time.  All she has to do is say, "I miss you, I'm sorry." and she can't even do that...so whatever.

Wish me luck :)