13 Traits of Integrity (9/24/17)

I think I am finally getting some of my energy back.  My workouts are starting to fee l good again - like something I want to do instead have need to do.  I have only lost 2-3 pounds but I can tell a little bot of a difference.  I realize I am gaining muscle while losing fat so the scale isn't super accurate. I also know I am not just working out to lose weight, I am doing it to feel better.  My dd told me last week that I was her hero.  Seriously....who could ask for anything more than that. The nest time I want to drink, I will just remind myself of what a hero would do...they would hold true to their morals and judgement and good decision making.

I was reading this article

13 Characteristics of People Who Have True Integrity

It made me think about my integrity an how my behavior has changed since I quit drinking. Here are the 13 traits and how I have changed (the formatting is terrible but I can't figure out how to fix it..)

The comments below are about me while not under the influence.  When I was drinking I was undoubtedly a selfish, self aggrandizing, conversation monopolizing, (albeit fun) crazy person.  Also, I don't think most people saw these shortcomings of mine. When not drinking (which was 80% of the time) I came off as caring, sensitive, responsible, good person.  A lot of what I describe below where my own thoughts..the private prison I lived in.

1. They value other people’s time.

They value their own time so they also value the time of other people. They know you have plenty of other places you need to be and won’t hold you up. If you spend time with them, it is likely they will thank you for that as well.

I feel like I have always thought about other people's time, just not always respected it. I hate being late. I always have tried to be on time, but am late a lot.  Now that I am sober, I am a little better about getting somewhere on time. My focus about getting out of the house is a little better...my time management is a little better as my brains are a little less scattered and ADHD like. Still working on this one. 

I do appreciate spending time with other people more than I used to. I think it used to be more about spending time with alcohol while with other people.  I wouldn't really look forward to seeing people and catching up - finding out what was happening in their lives....It was more about looking forward to getting together with people so I could drink.

2. They give credit where it is due.

They do not take credit for things they did not do. They will always credit those who deserve it. If you help this person with a project he or she will likely mention your name so you can take credit for your work.

I have noticed a little change in this one.  I always gave credit to others but found myself being secretly jealous of other people success.  Jealous of people getting praise or getting a better paying job than me or having a nicer house than me or being in better shape than me.  It wasn't horrible jealousy, just a little secret voice that would sometimes hope other people didn't get what they wanted.  It made me feel like a terrible person.  I don't have nay idea where that came from or why but it is calming down. Maybe now that I am proud of myself and finding some peace in my own life, I can truly be happy for the success of others.

3. They are authentic.

They are their truest forms. You won’t catch them in a lie or being fake.

Really  other only thing I lied to others about what not being able to keep commitments due to having a hangover. I would skip out on things, not do something that was important to someone else, not get out of bed to be with my kids, or go and pretend I was fine. I would say I was getting sick or was stressed or blah,blah,blah.  It is nice now because #1 I have a lot more energy and willingness to do things that are important to other people but if I am sick...everyone actually believes me bc they know I am not drinking.  I also feel like if I really don't want to do something, I don't need to and I don't need to make excuses or feel guilty. I don't need to be everything for everyone. Somehow it just feels like a more honest way to live, which feels incredibly liberating.

I am also less fake.  I never really was too fake but I find that I have a much easier time just being quiet. I don't always need to be heard. My opinion does not always need to be understood.  Everyone isn't waiting for me to give my 2 cents.  It is pretty relaxing to not always be jockeying for position in every conversation. I don't need as much validation as I used to....and this is while sober.

4. They are always honest.

They are honest people that feel no need to lie as it is important for them to get to where they need to get in life honestly.

See above...but also I feel more honest with myself.  If I choose to sit her and type all of this in my blog today, it truly is what I want to do right in this moment.  It isn't merely a distraction from other things bc I have a hangover.  I feel like I am more honest with myself about my addiction, my imperfections, my values, my relationships, the way I feel about things (rather than the way others think I should feel or the way I would pretend to feel to make others happy).  This one is hard to explain, but my life just feel more honest.

5. They never take advantage of others.

They are not the kind of people who will take advantage of someone else. They love to build people up and help them get where they need to be. Taking too much from someone else will never be an issue with someone who has a lot of integrity.

I am trying to get better at this one with my dh.  I don't take advantage of him but I don't think I have done a very good job at building him up or appreciating him over the years.  I have been so ensnared in all of my own bullshit that I have kind of ignored him.  He has been the only one that has known about my issues for years and has supported me no matter what.  He doesn't care if I drink or don't drink, he just hated seeing what the addiction was doing to me mentally and emotionally.  It is so true that you are the worst to the people you trust the most.  I am really working on this one.

6. They do not argue over disagreements.

They will talk through things in a civil manner or not talk at all. You cannot and will not force this person into arguing over something completely ridiculous. I find this to be a very respectable trait.

This one was huge for me to read!  The others were..ya, ya..I knew that, but this one really made me think.  I have been really bad at this one.  I could not ever let things go unless my perspective was validated.  The other person did not have to agree with me, but they did have to at least see where I was coming from. I never felt like my intentions were bad when in an argument and was so damn caught up in making sure no one thought I was a bad person, that I would really argue and argue and argue until at least they could admit they could see where I was coming from.  It is exhausting!!! Not arguing is a respectable trait....that line blew my mind...made me see something in a completely different way.  I am so excited to not be an arguer any more and can't wait to practice.  I know I am a good person, not matter what my opinion is of something. If someone doesn't see something the same as me, that doesn't mean I am wrong or they are wrong...just a different perspective...let it go! "You don't need constant validation from outside sources that you are a good person" I am trying to tell myself.

7. They give most people the benefit of the doubt.

They try to see the good in everyone. I think this is because they feel like maybe there are more people in this world that also have integrity. That being said, if you take advantage of them too much they will get rid of you.

I really have always done this. My dh even makes fun of me for it.  Sometimes I should take off my rose colored glasses, but I would rather assume the best and be wrong than assume the worst and always think negatively. This one I am already good at :)

8. They know when something is bothering someone.

They have a great intuition that lets them know when something is going on. If someone is down in the dumps they will notice. Chances are they will actually do what they can to cheer you up.

This one is so much easier while not struggling with the 24/7 all consuming thought process of addiction.  It is so much easier to be in tune with others when you aren't always consumed with yourself.  I would look at people but in more of a shallow not really seeing them sort of way. And if I did sense something was wrong my thoughts were more, "what's their problem? why are they acting like that? what did I do this time? whatever.." Now I just ask...are you ok? It was so all about me when in addiction. I just thought that the way everyone acted around me was about me...like they were judging me It is easier now to see that it probably isn't about me at all so don't take it personally and see if you can help in any way.  Sobriety is weird..

9. They believe others.

They accept your word as truth until it is disproven. That being said, they do not take lying well. And once you lie to them, it is unlikely that they will ever take your word again.

I am pretty good at this one.  It is true that I believe in others, but once you lie to me or are mean to me, I have a really hard time.  I am super sensitive to not what people say but how they say it.  I am trying to do better with this as the way they deliver what they say may not be with the motivation that I assume it to be.  Their delivery may be my own perception of their intention...not truly what it is or may not have anything to do with me. In other words they may be being a bitch in their tone but aren't meaning to come off that way. Maybe they are just having a bad day and it had nothing to do with me.  I am trying to assume good intention in their delivery of what they say.  Mean people are really hard for me to handle. But, once again, I am trying to not take everything so personally. Doing that really is still living selfishly because you assume what everyone says and how they say it is always about you. I always used to look at that as sensitive as apposed to selfish...more denial I guess.

10. They apologize first.

If they have done something wrong they will come to you and apologize. This is just how they are. They own up to their mistake and try to make things right.

I would always apologize first......with a big fat BUT attached to it...It really didn't mean jack shit unless the other person admitted they could see where I was coming from, validated that and then took some responsibility in the conflict. And....I always acted like I was the bigger person for apologizing first. I could talk a really good Dr. Phil game but I was relentless in arguments about having my side validated...even to the point of talking for hours, repeating myself hundreds of times bc I didn't feel like I was being heard, writing endless text messages, talking to others who weren't even involved just to "get their take" but really to make sure they saw my side of things... OMG!!!! I have been so consumed with my own image probably bc I really felt like a shallow, dishonest,  worthless person on the inside. I was going to make damn sure that I never looked like a bad person in any situation... how exhausting.  WHO CARES???? You have your opinion, I have mine, let it go and move on. And if people think I am a bad person...who cares...as long as I know I am a good person.

11. They are humble.

They do not quite know their own worth. While they are very important and do so much good they don’t quite see it. You should remind them of it.

I am also working on this.  Oh I do know my own worth, believe it...I am a good person, mother and teacher. I could sometimes be a better friend, sister and wife but I'm not horrible either. My problem is making sure everyone else knows it. Again validation from outside sources.  Why do I need so much external validation?????????????

12. They do good when they can.

They are always helping other people. They love to know that they have improved someone’s life. It gives their lives meaning.

I am pretty good at this but now have a lot more time and energy to do it...now that I am not consumed with my own personal bullshit all the time.

13. They are always kind to those who need it.

Giving kindness can go a long way. When someone looks like they need a little pick me up these people deliver. They can brighten up almost anyone’s day

I have always said I was there for others, but only if it fit into my drinking schedule.  If it interfered with that....I was out.  Nothing interfered with my weekend partying and if it did I was grumpy and pissed about it.  I do feel a lot less stressed out about commitments now that I don't have the competing thoughts about making time for drinking and the subsequent hangovers.