Sunday, August 17, 2014

different this time

For the first time in 19 nights, I actually slept through the night without without waking up in the middle of the night having an anxiety attack.  I actually woke up with a cautious optimism.

I have decided that I first need to work on my internal before I can do anything about my external.  My dd made me go to the gym with her today and I ran on the treadmill like there was no tomorrow! I think it was probably good for me.

Last time I stopped drinking (August 2012 - to see a complete history see my entry on November 12, 2013) and I went 255 days (until April 21, 2013).  I broke my abs in the spring which is always the hardest season for me to  abs.  During this time period, I didn't really do anything for myself other than not drink.  I gave myself permission not not work out, eat crappy, sleep all the time, watch too much tv, isolate myself - basically check out from life.  I felt like much of the time I was either "white-knuckling" the cravings or feeling sorry for myself because I couldn't go out bc everyone would be drinking.  I did learn a lot during this time and I really did overall feel much better, but obviously not good enough because I went back to drinking.  At first just a little, every once in a while, promising myself that if it got out of hand I would stop. My "out of hand" means drinking enough to have a hangover.  Slowly, progressively I got to that point over the next 210 days (November 12, 2013) and had a really bad Christmas break - huge fights, sneaking drinks, drinking in the AM, missing work because of anxiety - just in a really bad place). I quit again (January 1, 2014) and only went t until January 18, 2013. Well since January 18 until now the same thing has happened - I am pretty good for a while, really careful to protect this "gift" of drinking I have given myself.  But slowly over time, without even realizing it, it becomes every weekend, and then hangovers every weekend until I have time off from work and I drink every day and everything just explodes!  Every time it explodes I want to divorce my husband.  I don't know if I really do want to divorce him or if I just want o run away from everything as alcoholics often do.

BTW - I just went back and read my past blogs to find those dates - OMG it is the same pattern repeating over and over and over.... why can't I just see that?

Anyway, I think I need to approach my not drinking differently this time. I used to be an ex smoker and I tried and tried and tried to quit smoking.  The pattern really was very similar to what I am doing now except my periods on non smoking were marked by days not weeks and there wasn't the whole intoxicated part tp deal with.  When I finally did quit smoking for good, I made it a lifestyle decision.  I worked out, ate well, took care of myself, even quit drinking for 6 months.  It finally took hold when I wasn't quitting in isolation bu instead being more healthy overall.  Last time I quit I think I felt more like a victim, powerless.  This time I am going to try to be proactive, powerful in my decision, healthy in all of my choices.  

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Day 7 "normal"

Well is is day 7 but I still feel crappy.  I knew I would.  Still tired, still heart palpitations, still anxiety, still headaches, still depressed, still don't know what to do with my life....

My husband is having a hard time. he really either wants to get on with breaking up or decide we aren't and get everything back to normal.  I am not sure I can do that.

Although I am not sure how much of all of this is due to my drinking,  I do know that it can't go back to normal. Normal was not good.  Normal was me being responsible for everything - cleaning, cooking, groceries, meal planning, yard work, bill paying, anything involving the kids, etc.  He would help whenever I asked him but all of that responsibility has been on my shoulders for almost 30 years and I am exhausted. Normal is nothing ever getting done around here regarding house maintenance.  Project are left unfinished, things are falling apart, he just seems overwhelmed and stressed out to do any of these things that need to be done, so I just worry about them. Normal is him denting in the spot on the couch because other than work that is basically all he does. Normal is only having fun when we are drinking and that isn't even necessarily together just at the same party and sometimes ends in fighting.Normal is me walking around bitter, angry, depressed, trying just to ignore how I feel, putting on a "happy" face, keeping my head down and powering through while he seems fine with that as long as I'm not leaving.

I know that it is not fair to ask him to sit around and wait while I figure out my own shit, but it really is the only option he has right now other than leaving...

My heart is breaking right now for him, for my kids, for this life we have built, for me....

Thursday, August 14, 2014

that little voice

I feel a little better today.  Still tired, a little head-achy but the anxiety has come down and I feel a little calmer.  I went back into this blog last night.  I have been blogging for a couple of years and it is amazing how fast you forget your own journey.  Alcohol has this way of making you forget all of the pain you have been through in the past.  I have been to this place so many times.  Why do I care so much about drinking? I just can't figure it out?  Why do I want to continue to do something that is counterproductive to living a peaceful, calm life?  Why do I so desperately want to be able to drink moderately? I get that it is a drug and I am addicted but it just all seems so stupid and pointless and a waste of energy.

The whole little voice in my head that isn't loud now but  I know will be is intriguing to me - the one that says, "You are OK. You haven't  had this or this happen...you don't do this or this...you just need to try harder to keep it under control...you can do it...your aren't one of "those"people that says you don't drink and people cringe in comfortableness...one beer or glass of wine isn't going to kill you..It doesn't matter what others think...you will just show them that you are strong enough to control it...you can do this....you are strong enough...you are not your father...

Where does that voice live?  Where does it hide?  Why does it keep coming back?  Is it part of my own psyche or something separate from who I am? Is my real voice this one or the one that doesn't want to suffer the consequences of drinking?  (I really don't have a strong voice that doesn't want to drink just one that doesn't want to the pain that follows) Why does it win??

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

so true


numb

I woke up today just numb.  My eyes are all swollen and bloodshot, and I have to go to work.  In the darkness of the early morning I felt like we should try and work things out,  That I just have to give it time. Later today I'm sure I will feel differently.  We will see.

My husband does have addition problems of his own.  On an off nicotine, which is a b*** every time he tried/tries to quit and does drink on the weekends - not a lot but still every weekend.  His issues lie more with severe social anxiety, anxiety in general, severe (IMO) depression, very low self esteem, maybe ADD since he has a hard time following conversations let alone participating in them, insomnia, chronic back pain from a surgery he had 9 months ago that was supposed to take the pain away.  He is basically checked out, angry, depressed and negative.  I do feel bad for him especially when it comes to the pain, but he has been this way for a long time.  He basically feels that so many bad things happened to him in his past including physical trauma to his head, past drug abuse as a teenager, and other things that he won't talk about that there is no hope for him.  He doesn't think that anyone really loves him and that things will never get any better for him.  He always sees the negative side of things and never assumes the best in people.  This is sooooo hard to live with day in and day out.  But I also feel so sorry for him that I can't leave.  He feels that I am all he has left (he has his kids too but he thinks they love me more).  They don't, but I actually engage them and actively am part of their lives.  He wants to be with me but all he does it sit on the coach and watch TV.  I take care of EVERYTHING in this house.

I have asked him to get help before and he has tried different things like Ritalin, antidepressants, sleeping aids, lately he was on Lyrica for nerve pain in his leg/back but he quit taking it because it and most of the other drugs made his head feel worse/weird.  He is pretty adamant about not taking pills - he has had both brothers with pretty severe addiction issues.  He took no pain pills after a shoulder and a back surgery. He is terrified of becoming addicted and also of talking to anyone about his problems.  He can barely talk to me about them.

I have tried to help him, build him up, make him feel better, diagnose him for so long I just don't know what to do.  I have become angry and resentful and I know he knows that which makes him feel even worse.  I don't feel like it is my job to fix him anymore but I also can't leave him in such a fragile state. I don;t know if he would make it.

I asked him yesterday if he would rather be with me without any affection or without me.  He said with me because I don't think he thinks he could get or deserves any better.  He said if I left him he would just be alone forever because he would never want to go through this pain again.  I am all he wants and if he doesn't have me he will just me alone.  And I should have the kids because he thinks they need me more.

He did agree that he needed help and agreed to talk to a therapist but I am seriously not hopeful.  He doesn't trust anyone.  He thinks all they want to do is medicate him and I highly doubt he will be able to talk to anyone but we will see. I know he needs help and so do I.

I do know that today I will not drink.  Day 4



Tuesday, August 12, 2014

sorrow, sadness, confusion

I feel so alone right now.  Today at work, I found myself wishing I would fall and hit my heard or something so that I could just go home and go to  bed and no one would know why.  I went back and forth between feeling like I was going to pass out out and start crying.  I was ready to quit my 23 year teaching care, walk out the door and never look back.

My marriage is in trouble.  I married very young  (age 18) - he was 23.  Our relationship has always been bound by booze.  When we were young, we partied every weekend with our friends and had a great time.  I had my first child at 27 and my second at 30.  From age 27 to 40 we were busy raising kids.  We had some pretty major fights, but just made up and moved on.  As our kids got older we started partying again, but it was different.  We now fight when we drink to much and it is not pretty and divorce always gets thrown out.  He was always the one to say it, but now we both do.  I am really struggling right now with what to do.  I am not sure or not if I love him.  Shit,  I was so young when I got married I am not sure I even know what love is. There is no passion/affection/intimacy between us, really never was but he is willing to live with that just to keep me.

I have been in this deep dark pit before of anxiety, depression and sheer terror over what to do.  It usually follows either a drinking binge or once it happened when I was coming off of pain pills.

Should I tell him I want a divorce and destroy everyone around me - him, my children, our home, our family, our neighborhood connections.  This sounds sounds  so utterly terrifying that  I can hardly breath when I think about it. I truly think that deep down inside it is what I want, what I have wanted for a long time but am not willing to hurt everyone else.  But, I am also afraid that I am really just having an emotional breakdown and will ruin everything because of something that will pass.

Should I just ride this out for awhile and see if it passes?  In the meantime I have him coming home from work everyday crying because he doesn't want to loose me and then I am crying because I am hurting him and am so confused.  I don't know how long we can continue this.  I do know that we do both need some professional help.

Are all of these feelings really the way I feel or are they a result of my drinking week last week?

Robin Williams, "It waits."

"It waits. It lays in wait for the time when you think, 'It's fine now, I'm OK.' Then, the next thing you know, it's not OK. Then you realize, 'Where am I? I didn't realize I was in Cleveland.'"

This is a quote from the late Robin Williams.  I think it is so sad that he is just one more victim of this terrible, awful disease.  

I could always see a bit of a sadness in his eyes.  I am so sad he is gone.