Wednesday, April 2, 2014

I'm back....again

Well...I have not had a hangover since new Year's Day but I have increased my drinking.  Spring is the hardest time of year for me.  School is almost out, sun is shining, vacations coming up, neighbors/friends call me to come out and "play". I think I drank every day over spring break. Not too many (maybe 2 -3 per day), but everyday is just way to much for me.  Got to get back on track...just saying.....

Monday, January 27, 2014

OK by past standards, but not anymore

SO I wanted to be true to my promise to keep a journal of my progress although I would really rather just ignore all of this... Friday I didn't drink at all and was fine with it. Saturday I was invited to a basketball game.  My sister had a glass of wine out when I got to her house and I found myself stealing sips from her glass - probably had no more than 1/3 a glass.  Went to the game.  Had a beer with her.  Then found myself offering to go get the kids food and drank another beer while walking around getting food by myself.  I didn't drink anything yesterday.

Now, in the past, I would have been ecstatic to not have drank Sunday through Friday and then only had a little over two on Saturday.  But I don't feel good about it.  One - it makes me grumpy,  not hung over/and I did sleep fine, but a little tired and irritable.  I don't know if my body just can't physically handle even small amounts anymore or if it is the disappointment in myself that I am drinking at all.

More than that I think it is becoming increasingly clear that it is more about "how" I drink.  I was sneaking on Saturday.  I only partly agreed to go to the game bc I, kind of subconsciously, knew there was a better chance that I would be able to drink if I went than if I stayed home.  The wanted a drink so bad at my sister's house - even came back in to "get something" so I could sneak one last sip.  I couldn't wait to buy her that drink, just so I could get mine.  And I volunteered to get the food just to have that second drink.  I told myself I was allowing myself two (that's not so bad) and by God I was having those two.

Not sure I am happy at all with that mindset.  Even though it was only two, I am pretty sure it would not classify as a healthily relationship with alcohol.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Sunday Football

Well..I live in Denver so I am sure you can imagine what football was like here yesterday.  I decided to have family over for the game.  I made a bunch of food, big pot of chili and was really looking forward to it - like in the past when I new I could drink.  My sister brought in a bottle of wine and had it opened by 1:30.  I looked at it, contemplated, and thought...not yet, still cooking, would rather have a clear head than get that whole hyper, distracted thing going on.  Over the course of the next 2-3 hours I went to my wine glasses 3 times to get one out and changed my mind. I went to the garage twice to get a beer and changed my mind.  I wasn't having an inner battle with myself, I wasn't trying to talk myself out of it...it actually seemed like I was trying to talk myself into it - and I didn't really want any.  Finally I poured a glass of wine, had three sips and dumped it out.  I jsus honestly didn't want it.  It didn't taste good, I was enjoying my clear head and my calm behavior, I didn't want to wake up with heart palpitations and hot sweats on my birthday.  I just really didn't want any.  I loved that feeling.. I hope it sticks around.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

3 glasses of wine

Yup, I had three glasses of wine last night.  I can't even explain why.  We went to dinner with my sister for my birthday and I just wanted to.  I didn't really think about it, I just did it.  Nothing crazy happened last night.  I was just a nice, enjoyable, relaxing night out.  Was home and in bed by 10:30 so feel OK today.  I did wake up at 1:30 with heart palpitations and night sweats.  I know that it was the alcohol.  Just doesn't seem like my body can tolerate it at all anymore.

I don't know what is next.  I sure do like the feeling of absing more than the feeling of drinking - I do know that.   I do know that I am going to keep posting my journey.  Usually, I just drop off the grid when I drink. I guess maybe I don't ever want to be accountable to the most important person in my life - me.

I will not/ can not spend the day beating myself up.  I've got a bunch of people coming over for the football game today.  My plan is to not drink.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Future Thoughts


I am doing great right in this moment.  Have no cravings at all to drink even though it is a weekend.  I really am pleasantly surprised at how at peace I am with the situation in the moment.  What is bothering me right now is the future.  Will I drink in the future?  Will I get through this 6 months?  Will I drink after that?  I am still having a hard time seeing myself as never having another drink again.  Well, I guess that's what they mean buy one day at a time.  I will focus on today and how glad I am to feel rested, calm, relaxed, motivated and in a pretty good mood.  The sun is shining and the wind isn't blowing (for the first time in days).  I am just going to do my best to enjoy this day, this moment and worry about tomorrow, next week, next month when it gets here.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Escape

Photo: I have come to drag you out of yourself and take you in my heart. I have come to bring out the beauty you never knew you had and lift you like a prayer to the sky.

Rumi

I just love this picture.  To me it represents how alcohol has been keeping me fenced in.  I have just lived for the weekends so I could drink.  And then I just recovered from the weekend.  I never really wanted to deal with anything (finances, relationships, commitments, etc).  I feel like I am slowly releasing the chains alcohol has on me so that I can move on to better times (greener pastures).