Monday, April 20, 2015

feeling anxious and depressed (without a hangover) but still because of alcohol

This picture is how I feel today. Gloomy, depressed, anxious, tired, sad.

I did not drink too much this weekend.  4 on Friday...4 on Saturday....and 2 on Sunday.  I did not get drunk or crazy...I did not have a hangover....I got a lot done....but yet I had terrible anxiety and insomnia last night...I think I maybe only got 3 hours of sleep. I just tossed and turned worrying about everything I could possible worry about...even things that don't usually bother me.

Here is what I notice about me (good and bad when I am moderately drinking on the weekend compared to when I am not.

The moderately drinking me:

Positive (weekends)
happy for the weekend
want to be around my friends
look forward to vacations, activities, events

Negative (weekdays)
overly sensitive
am really sick of people
don't care what other think of me but at the same time have anxiety about it

The not drinking me:

Positive (weekdays)

Negative (weekends)

I don't know why it has to come down to enjoying my weekends at the expense of feeling depressed/anxious the rest of the week or being in a better place overall but having crappy weekends.

I do know that when I am not drinking at all, I will go to bed and wake up with a smile on my face probably 80% of the time. When I am drinking on the weekends, that never happens.  I do get a smile on my face later in the day when it is almost time to drink but usually I wake up the a frowny, furrowed brow, grumpy face.

I wonder if maybe the 10 drinks I had this weekend were just too much for me, that I have to be really careful about the amount I consume.  Maybe that is enough to make me grumpy, depressed and anxious.

I do know that I told myself that I was only going to use alcohol in social situation where I just felt extremely awkward not to be drinking.  I don't want to have to avoid these thing and isolate myself, which is what always causes me to give up my abstinence goals.

I did not hold true to that promise this weekend.  While I did not get crazy or drink too much I did drink yesterday by myself. I just felt like having a beer while putting away groceries and then finishing that last glass of wine with dinner.  I found myself choosing high alcohol beer and wine instead of light beer so I could drink less - kind of that chasing the buzz thing. I found myself really wishing there was more wine left or wondering if anyone would notice if I went and got one more beer - kind of a craving type of thing. My dh was not not drinking and while I wasn't really hiding it or sneaking, I was hoping that he (or my ds) would notice.  I think that somewhere inside I realized I wasn't keeping my promises to myself and I didn't care.

I am not ready to give up drinkin entirely.  I need to go into next weekend with a plan.  It is simply not enough anymore to simply say that if I don't have a hongover, then I had a good weekend.  I need to keep the amount I consume down so that I don't get anxious and depressed.  I truly believe that drinking (even moderately on the weekends) causes my body to have anxiety with leads to me feeling really crappy.  I used to think it was all in  my head - that I just obsessed too much, but I now know that I have physical response to consuming alcohol that last far beyond just having a hangover the next day.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

so true

Addiction quote: "Addiction is not something we can simply take care of by applying the proper remedy, for it is in the very nature of addiction to feed on our attempts to master it."

Failure yet again - 64 days sober and then drank

Friday - March 5 - 64 Days Sober

I made a conscious decision that I would ONLY drink when in a social situation that was excruciatingly painful not to.  That I really was enjoying my life more sober except in those situations.

Saturday - March 6 - 2 beers

Saturday - March 14 - 3 beers

Spring Break
Friday - March 20 - 2 beers
Saturday - March 21 - 4 glasses of wine
Monday - March 23 - 2 beers (alone while cooking - hiding it)
Tuesday - March 24 - 2 beers (alone while cooking - hiding it)
Thursday - March 26 - 2 beers

Ski Trip
Friday - March 27 -  4 beers (1 alone when arriving - drank fast to hide it)
Saturday - March 28 - 1 Bloody Mary (alone), 4 beers (one alone), one glass of wine (no one else drinking at dinner)

March 29 - exhausted, sad, anxious, nervous, disappointed, confused, angry


Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Feeling weird - sugar?

I felt so good yesterday, but this morning I feel groggy, out of it and tired.  Could it be sugar? Sunday night I didn't eat any sugar and got 8 solid hours of sleep. Last night I ate 4 Girl Scout cookies right before I went to bed and only got 7 hours of sleep. I am going to try to not eat any sugar tonight and see if that helps how I feel tomorrow morning.  I think my body craves all of the sugar that it is no longer getting from alcohol.  Anyone else experience this?

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Searching for Coincidences

I saw this TED talk this morning.  It is pretty entertaining with a guy doing some magic tricks that are pretty amazing, but I truly believe in the message he was giving.  I am a firm believer that EVERYTHING happens for a reason.  We are getting "messages" from the universe, God, a higher power (whatever you believe) all the time, we just aren't usually paying attention.  I could name hundreds of times this has happened to me.  For example, I had to have surgery 4 years after the birth of my second child.  I was a stressed out disaster - trying to work full time, run a household and be a good mom.  As I was laying in the hospital bed at 4:00 am, I turned on the TV and a woman came on talking about how your life is your choice, that you only have one life to live and how you live it is a choice.  She said and I quote, "Money isn't everything. Your priority right now should be your children.  Everything else will work itself out."  I was flabbergasted.  I felt like it was a "message". My dd had a teacher who job shared.  I asked her the next week what it was like to job share. She said and I quote, "Oh my gosh, I need a partner next year. You should do it with me!"  I couldn't believe it! After a lot of contemplating about the .5 paycheck, I took the job for 2 years.  It wasn't easy financially, but we made it through and I was much happier.

I could probably give hundreds of examples of this happening in my life.  I think that the "universe" will always steer us in the right direction and is always giving us clues, it is our job to pay attention and listen.

Wow! That was deep this morning :)

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Snow Day!

Woop! Woop!

I can get my report cards done before the weekend!

Used to be - Sweet! Let's see if I can get a partay started today.  Maybe we can have some hot cocoa and peppermint schnapps and take the kids to the sledding hill this afternoon.  How pathetic is that! I just used to use EVERYTHING as an excuse to drink.

Now, I am up early and ready to bang out those report cards so I can take nap this afternoon. Yeah, I know that sounds like a riveting day :)   A little less exciting but a lot more calming!

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

The buzz AKA hyper!!! party!!! yeah!!!

For some reason, this time, I really am not having as hard a time not drinking.  I am still having the intense feelings of dread about never being able to drink again and once in awhile having a pretty intense craving, but it doesn't seem as hard. I was thinking about why that is - what is different. This time I have a new feeling - something I haven't felt before.  I really do not want the buzz in my head that you get when drinking.

When I am drinking I feel kinda revved up, not able to calm down and focus on anything. It does make me feel happy, excited, energetic. I feel like I am the most popular person in the world when I drink. I feel like everyone loves me and wants me to be around. I feel like I am the life of the party.  Some of that is probably true, I can be pretty fun, if I do say so myself, but I also have quite an inflated ego when I drink.  While I am drinking, there really isn't any sense of calm.  I am either floating (bouncing) around the room, cooking, or out doing something all while incessantly talking. I don't know how many times my dh has gotten upset at me for talking through a movie at the movie theater after I have been drinking.  I just CAN'T slow down or stop talking when I drink.  I think I might have been annoying?

I am also not a very good listener when I drink.  I do appear to be listening, but my brain isn't really caring about what you have to say.  I feel like I care in the moment, but it is just the surface sense of caring.  You probably really think that I am listening and interested (for about 10 minutes until I have to get up and find the next conversation), but I am not really that focused and some of it I don't even remember the next day. It really is all about me.

When I drink, I don't want to stop or slow down or have the party end. When I slow down I get tired and I don't want the fun to stop by getting tired.  I also don't want anyone else to get tired, so I would always make sure they had a drink.  I was the ultimate hostess!

I was also the one in high school at midnight that was yelling, "Let's go get some crazy bread from Little Ceasars, find a park and go swinging!!  Come on!! It will be so fun!!  I loved bars in my 20s - dance clubs - it was full of really fun people who were also moving, talking and didn't want to slow down. My friends were ALWAYS ready to leave before I was.

One time some neighbors, my dh and I went downtown to dinner and a comedy club.  We got back around 12:30 and we were all pretty buzzed.  I was having such a good time that I invited (begged) everyone to come to my house.  I made plate after plate of nachos and kept the drinks coming.  We were all in our 30s/40s and we stayed up until 4:00 am!  How stupid!  We all felt so bad the next day and it really was my fault because I didn't want to stop partying.  I can be very convincing.

I have to say that I am kinda tired of that.  I'm not just tired of the late nights, the hangovers, the depression, anxiety, etc,, this time I can really say I am tired of the buzzed, fuzzy head I get from drinking.  That hyperness that comes with drinking. I really don;t understand all the reasons I drank., but I know it took a lot of energy. It just all seemed so exhausting!  I am exhausted just typing it all. All I know is that right now I am enjoying a clear head and a calmer life.