Friday, August 28, 2015

drink with me...

"I will never, ever understand why other people care so much about whether people around them drink, as long as they can themselves. "

I read this in an article this morning.  I'll tell you why because I am/was one of those people.  

You never, ever want sober people around judging you when you are drinking too much.  It is embarrassing and shameful. In fact, I wouldn't even invite people that I knew didn't drink. That's why....

It's all just so stupid!

Monday, August 24, 2015

Glimmer of hope

I do feel like every time I go through this type of hangover, it does serve a purpose. It pushes me a little closer to giving it up altogether.  I see that light down the road, I just can't seem to get to it.  Its more like I feel it down there - calling to me - pulling at my heart.  I am 47 yo and sometimes I wonder what my purpose is? What is my message to the world? What will be my legacy? What kind of a difference can I make? Maybe sobriety could be it. I could be the inspiration for my family and friends that it can be done with grace, dignity and joy. That I could be completely sober and be at peace, grateful and full of love. Sometimes I truly believe in my heart that the light way down there is where I will eventually wind up. I guess the question is how many ditches do I have to climb out of before I make it?  That, I guess, is only for me to decide.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Deep dark hole

Deep dark hole is what I google searched this morning.  I feel like total dog shit this morning.  When I woke up, after 4 hours of drunken sleep, I thought about the percocets in my closet.  We have a bunch since my dh has had a couple surgeries and he never takes them.  I thought, "Mabye I should just take a couple to put me to sleep for a few hours until the hangover wears off."  That is how desperate I am for this day to be over.  That is just a sad existence.  I didn't and won't take them but it kinda scared me that I even thought about it.  Another thing that entered my mind is that I could see how people (I was specifically thinking about celebrities like Robin Williams, Whitney Houston and her daughter, Michael Jackson) could actually just take a handful to make the pain and suffering end for that moment.  I bet they weren't thinking about not being around ever again, but that they just wanted relief from the physical, emotional, debilitating, devastating anguish they were feeling right in that moment.  That thought also scared me a little.

Well..I'm not going to do that...I have too much to live for...I'm going to eat something and go back to bed. I just wanted to at least record how I am feeling today. When I do try to get my shit together, it helps me go back and read how bad I was feeling.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Loss of stamina

Man, this going back to work thing (teacher) is a killer!  I am exhausted at the end of every day! I really need to get my stamina back up.  I know that is not going to happen if I drink too much this weekend.

I am tired of myself. All this internal conflict, fighting, drama I have with this drug. Am I going to drink? How much? When? With who? It all usually starts on Thursday night.  I start making my weekend plans.  Already I have a family dinner this weekend and I know that I purposely made it for Saturday instead of Sunday so I could drink.  I can't change the date now so I am just going to have to remind myself that over drinking this weekend is not going to help my stamina at all. In fact, it will make it worse next week.

I am not going to drink anything on Friday or Sunday and limit my drinking Saturday to 3 glasses of wine at the most.  I am going to make sure to take my naltrexone and try to delay the first glass of wine for as long as possible.I am also going to send any left over wine home with my sisters so I am not tempted to drink it on Sunday.

As I type this plan I feel a sense of anxiety, right in my throat.  I can't explain it - this I now I 'm going to want to drink and and going to anyway. I just felt myself sigh.....with this sense of "Yeah right! You and your big plans. I don't even know why you bother anymore. You never honor your commitments anyway."

Well...that's depressing

Sunday, August 16, 2015


Well, I drank too much last night and have a hangover.....not much else to say.

I don't know why I keep putting all of these promises to myself on this blog when I don't seem to be able to keep any of them.  Just ridiculous....

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

“Love of comfort is the enemy of greatness” – Todd Henry.

I was listening to someone talk about a presentation they attended from Todd Henry.  He talked about the 7 sins of mediocrity.  I think I am going to order this book and read it.  It talks a lot about ego, fear of the unknown and the need to stay comfortable as roadblocks to true change in our lives.

These sins are:

AIMLESSNESS: The book's chapter "Define Your Battles" helps you identify what you will stand for.
BOREDOM: "Be Fiercely Curious" provides several strategies to avoid "busy boredom," including what he calls a "bliss station."
COMFORT: "Step Out of Your Comfort Zone" helps you establish a new vector and set step, sprint, and stretch goals on your new course.
DELUSION: "Know Yourself" helps you identify what truly resonates with you and what unique contribution you alone are capable of pursuing.
EGO: "Be Confidently Adaptable" helps you prevent an inflated ego from stalling progress on your most important work.
FEAR: "Find Your Voice" helps you take small, calculated risks every day.
GUARDEDNESS: "Stay Connected" helps you maintain productive collaboration rather than closing off from relationships when things get busy.

In some areas in my life I think I am stuck in mediocrity of this fight with alcohol because my ego tells me I can successfully moderate, my guardedness keeps me from showing my true self to people, my need for comfort makes the challenges of sobriety too much to handle and my fear of never drinking again, not fitting in, looking weird, not having friends, not enjoying vacation, never having fun keeps me from total sobriety.

I am still feeling this morning that my life can have a greater purpose.

Love of comfort is the enemy of greatness” – Todd Henry.