Sunday, August 2, 2015

Naltrexone #2

Last night my family was coming over for dinner.  The first time we have all gotten together since May when there was some drama.  I was a little anxious about the whole thing so I had been pretty wound up all day. I took 1/2 a pill at 5:00 and had a beer at 5:50. After that beer I switched to wine and drank 2 glasses finishing at 9:00.

What was the same - I was still loud (not a good thing), talkative, buzzed, having fun (I think), easily distracted from what I should be doing (cleaning up dinner, etc.)

What was different - I feel like the alcohol hit me a little harder, a little faster. I felt way more buzzed (I hate the word "drunk" as that is what my mom always called my alcoholic father) than I think I should have with only 3 drinks.  I don't know if that is a side effect, but I didn't like it.  My distractability factor seemed worse - like I just couldn't stay focused on a task at all.

Here is the biggest difference and I know I wasn't imagining this one.  Everyone was gone by 9:00. In my book, on a Saturday, that is pretty early.  Normally I would have stayed up drinking another 2-3 hours.  I would have most certainly finished the bottle of wine. I might have even called the neighbors to see if they were still up as we told them we might when everyone left.  Instead, I poured my third glass of wine, sat down on the couch and tried to watch tv.  I couldn't do it. I literally could not stay awake.  It was a very weird feeling.  I had only had 3 drinks, so I was definitely pretty buzzed but not wasted and I felt like I was moving in and out of consciousness.  I could not keep my eyes open and when they closed, I was immediate asleep like almost passed out. It was so weird.  I did that until about 11:00 not even touching that 3rd glass of wine, got up and went to bed.

Normally when I am buzzed enough that I am falling asleep on the couch (which for me is pretty buzzed) I don't even get ready for bed (wash my face/brush my teeth). I just fall into bed and basically pass out. Last night I got ready for bed and even took some advil just in case I woke up with a headache.  I slept pretty good from 11:00-2:30. I woke up and 2:30 and can't figure out if I went back to sleep or not.  I didn't feel like I did, but I think I might have just been in a really light sleep the rest of the night.  Or maybe not because I think I was dreaming. I have no idea, but my fitbit said I got 6.5 hours of sleep. Normally when I can;t sleep, I am tossing and turning and I wasn't so maybe I was asleep longer than I thought.

I don't know...I think this Natrexone is kinda weird.  It makes my head feel a little weird, but I certainly have not drank as much in the past two nights as I normally would have in these situations. And I don't really have a hangover this morning - just a little light headed and my ears are ringing but not my normal "feel like total shit" feeling.

The best thing is that when they party was over, so was I - that never happens unless I am totally drunk.  So..I would say - so far so good.  It is definitely decreasing my drinking so far. Hopefully I am not just imagining it or it is some kind of weird coincidence.

We are going to the mountains today for four days with family which is usually pretty stressful.  I would like to say that I won't drink, but I know I will so I am going to make sure I take the naltrexone one hour before I drink on all three days.  Hopefully it will be a relaxing, hangover free trip.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Naltrexone - I tried it

Last night I knew I would probably have a beer when I got done running my errands so I took 1/2 a naltrexone at 5:30.  When I got home at 6:30 I drank an 8.0% beer while I was making dinner.  I got a buzz like I always do and sat down to eat dinner.  After dinner I walked the dogs (around 8:00).  I was surprised at how many people were outside and sober at this time on a Friday haha. After that I came home, watched a little tv, ate some ice cream and went to bed.

Maybe it is the placebo effect, maybe it was the full moon, maybe it was just coincidence but I just didn't want a 2nd beer that much.  I have no idea how long it has been since I have had only 1. Normally I would have been on my 2nd beer during dinner and then probably not even walked.  Even if I would have walked, I would have probably had a 3rd while watching tv.  My brain wasn't screaming at me to have another.  I even ate ice cream (which I never do) and my brain said, "Well, at least it won't give you a hangover."  It is very unusual for my brain to talk me into anything other than alcohol after I have already had one drink.  I did wake up this morning a little spacey but no hangover.  I wonder if it could be the pill as I am pretty sensitive to medication.

I am having family over tonight (the first time since the conflict in May) and we are going on family trip (including my sister and her kids) tomorrow.  The stress of tonight and the way I get on vacation (partay!) are recipes for disaster for me so I am going to be sure to take the 1/2 a pill for the next few days and see what happens.  If it continues to work, and I still feel spacey in the morning, I will try only 1/4 a pill.

Oh how I hope I wasn't imagining it working last night........

Friday, July 31, 2015

Sleep



Sleeping sober is a BEAUTIFUL thing!  Two nights ago - three drinks and less than five hours of sleep.  Last night - 0 drinks and more than 9 hours of sleep.  So much of a difference!

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Neighborhood party....fail



Last night a new neighbor was having a party.  She invited just a few neighbors and some other friends.  Only one neighbor showed up and I felt bad for her so I decided to pop in for just a minute and leave.  Three glasses of wine and I am up this morning after only 4 hours of sleep.  So what happened? I got there and it was really socially uncomfortable.  I didn't know two of the girls and the conversation was awkward.  I couldn't wait to be offered a glass of wine.  After the first glass, it got easier and more relaxed.  No big deal, why can't I just stop at that one or maybe two?  Why do I then have this "need" to continue filling my glass - even going so far as to try to keep the conversation/party going so I can continue to drink even when I initially didn't want to drink last night?  Why do I then get home and then crack open a beer?  I'm not at the party, I should be going to bed, I don't need anymore to drink, but I do it anyway.  For me sometimes, it isn't always about how much I drink, but why I continue to drink when I should be done.  I have the naltrexone but I am supposed to take it 1 hour before drinking.  I made the decision to go 10 minutes before I left.  If I drink Friday, I will for sure take the naltrexone and then wait 1 hour.  If nothing else, it will delay me by an hour and then I may not even feel like drinking anymore anyway.  We will see.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

The wolf you feed



I read an excellent article this morning on Everyday Health 
The article talks about depression, diet and excercise but I feel it also applies to my struggles with alcohol. It begins with this legend:
There is a Cherokee legend about an elderly brave who tells his grandson about life.
“Son,” he says, “Within all of us there is a battle of two wolves. One is evil. He is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”
He continued, “The other wolf is good. He is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.
“The same fight is going on inside of you, and inside every other person, too,” explained the wise Cherokee elder.
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
The grandfather simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Monday, July 27, 2015

Not a great weekend

accept-responsibility-binge-drinking.jpg

Not a great weekend.  2 on Thursday, 2 on Friday, 3 on Saturday and 8!!!! Sunday.  We went to an all day festival yesterday and those feelings of "Oh no! I think we are getting ready to leave!! I better get one more before everyone decided to leave!!"  feelings kicked in. That can't get enough voice was strong and panicky. I have that voice!

I had a dream last night that I woke up and could not stop my arms and legs from shaking.  I have always said that I am not bad enough to get the "shakes". Now I just dream that I have them.  Not a good sign.  The universe is speaking.....am I listening?