Thursday, April 28, 2016

Huge trigger - family drama

My sister and I have had a falling out.  It has been coming for years and has happened off and on many times.  Six months ago it got bad.  She just stopped talking to me...nothing...even started with the whole mean girl stuff towards me which I have been dealing with from her since high school.  For God's sakes we are both in out forties!  It is just ridiculous!  I have ALWAYS been the peace maker in the past. Sometimes I have done it for my mom.  Sometimes to be a good role model for my kids. Sometimes because I don't want people to see me in a bad light.  Sometimes just because the conflict kills me - very much like my conflict with alcohol.  I obsess over it. I think about it all day and night, I cry, I yell, I talk to other people about it constantly, I type huge texts and then just never send them.  It is bad.  With this sister (I have 2) every time I would go to her to work it out (even when I didn't start it) her response was - I'm sorry you felt that way.  It wasn't my intention.  We just have different perceptions of things.  Maybe that is true, but I don't feel like she ever truly apologizes for her actions.  She never says just a  "I'm sorry" EVER!  She know that it all drives me crazy. She just sits and waits for me to make a move and then just acts like it was all my fault because of the way I perceived the situation.  Some of these incidences even involve disrespecting me as a mom and sister by allowing my kids to do things while around her that she knows I would disapprove of just to be the cool aunt.  Or I say one thing wrong and that's it! She doesn't talk to me, she just shuts off all communication.  Then after enough time has passed and I finally go to her, she can water down how ridiculous she acted in the first place and just talk about my perceptions.  It is all so stupid!   Even my kids (who I have tried so hard to keep them out of the drama) are upset with her because she also stopped speaking to them and bc of the way she is treating me.

This scenario has played out at least 20 times in our adult life.  Well, this last time was kind of a final straw.  After six months of her not speaking to me (for I have no idea what), heartache, sobbing, talking, yelling, lamenting, typing at least 20 unsent texts the size of novels. fighting with my mom about it (bc she ALWAYS takes her side to the point that my mom and I barely even have a relationship any more) I AM DONE!  I can no longer allow her to have this kind of control over my emotional well being.  Judging by her behavior, I don't think it really even bothers her that much and I am dying over it.  It has taken me probably about 4 weeks to come to the realization that she will not be in my life and that I will be ok with that.  She doesn't deserve to be (sister or not).  She will is not a nice person and not someone I would ever be friends with if she weren't related to me.  He presence in my life it just too toxic.  FINALLY I got to a place where I am ok with that.

Well.....yesterday she texted me an apology.  What the hell am I supposed to do with that?  I'll tell you what I did...I drank - damnit!  I just got so worked up and wanted to talk to my other sister and husband about it, that I opened a beer and continued to talk about it for two hours and drink 3 beers. Afterward, I felt emotionally spent!  What the hell just happened?  I felt like the Tasmanian devil, completely out of my mind, not even 100% processing that I kept drinking and just swirling around in this cesspool of emotional family bullshit.  Well, I just figured out that is a HUGE trigger for me.  I don't know what I am going to do about my sister ( I haven't texted her back), but I do know I need some different coping strategies in the future when it comes to family drama.  I 100% know that drinking is not the answer and that I will handle things much better when I am sober.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

I so want things to be different this May

I posted this last May 16, 2015.  It is SO STUPID to me that things are still the same. Same behavior, same obsession, same disappointment.

I have noticed that when I drink I am becoming more agitated, critical, loud and negative than I ever used to.  I used to be the fun, no drama, party girl.  I have turned into the finger wagging, fist pounding, yelling person (bitch!).  I do not like that side of myself.

All I can do is be the best person I can be to all of the people in my life. 

I do not for 100% fact that I cannot become that person when I drink - even moderately on the weekends.  Even when I drink moderately, I lose that sense of calm and peace inside of myself - maybe because even when 
successfully moderating I am still mentally obsessing.

I posted this last May 11, 2015.  Same bullshit, different year.  This needs to end!

SO many promises I broke to myself this weekend.

Friday - drank one beer with dinner - told myself that morning I wasn't going to drink -
came home and drank 3 more glasses of wine by myself - no one was home - told myself that I wouldn't drink alone

Saturday - drank a beer before we went out - told myself I wouldn't pre drink anymore.
drank two more glasses of wine with dinner and went to see a movie.  Didn't drink any more but when the movies went out twice due to a snow storm, I was desperately wishing we had gone to the theatre that lets you drink.  I would have definitely gone and gotten 2 more drinks.  I was really craving more alcohol at that point even though both my kids were like, "How much has mom drank?" It wasn't that much but I felt pretty out of it.

Sunday - woke up promising myself that I wouldn't drink, that my Mother's Day gift to myself and my family was for me to be sober. My sister poured the first glass of wine around 2:00 and asked me if I wanted any.  I didn't even hesitate and ended up drinking more than an entire bottle over the next 6 hours.  I was emotional more then once in the middle of conversations and I know I was loud. Finally at 9:30 pm everyone had gone home and I was falling asleep (passing out) on the couch,  I saw out of the corner of my eye, my 16 yo son, make that pretend gesture of drinking to my husband as if to ask, "Has mom had too much to drink?"  I lost it.....I got up, went upstairs leaving my whole house in shambles, literally tore my clothes of slamming every piece of clothing to the floor ( I was soooo pissed at myself), put my jammies on and went to bed without brushing my teeth or washing my face.  And then I began to sob.  My son came in and felt bad because he thought I was crying because of what he had done.  All I could say was, "I am fine, honey. This has nothing to do with you. I love you."  I ended Mother's Day with my 16 yo dear son trying to comfort his drunk mother. Not what I had had in mind.  That's being a great mom! I wake up at 1:15 and never got back to sleep. This is going to be a great day.

I hate you alcohol!  And I am not fine! And I hate myself

Monday, April 25, 2016

What am I doing wrong?

Once again - another tired, depressed Monday.  Try, try, try, try again.  I am not going to drink this weekend.  How did drinking help my weekend? What did I do Friday or Saturday that I couldn't have done without a drink? Nothing. I would have still sat in the sun (maybe even walked the dogs instead) and I would have still gone out to dinner Friday just without a drink. My Saturday would have been the same except I wouldn't have had any wine with my sister that evening.  Everything would have been the same except for the little fight that we all got in to.  I certainly could have lived without that drama.  Sunday would have been way better as I spent the whole day on the couch (again) exhausted, bloated, anxious, depressed.  Now I am starting Monday behind on my household chores and still feeling bloated and tired to start my week.

I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.  And the most stupid part of all of it is - it is self induced and is something I can absolutely change.  I just need to change my mind.

When is the feeling of being sick and tired going to out weigh the feelings of wanting to drink on the weekends?

Why can't I just remember how crappy I feel all the time on a Friday or Saturday night?

Why am I not strong enough to conquer this?

What am I doing wrong?

Sunday, April 24, 2016

I have only failed if I have given up

I so do not want to post this.  When I have all these grandiose plans of sobriety and then drink, I don't want to talk about it.  It's almost like I put on some blinders and choose not to look at it or deal with it.

I am going to deal with it, learn from it and move forward.

Here is my last 3 weekends - justifications (aka BS reasons) included:

Friday, April 8 - 0

Saturday, April 9 - 3
(3 beers - got super loud and mouthy at a neighbors house which I regretted the next day - announced to everyone I was having a dry April starting April 10)

Friday, April 15 - 0

Saturday, April 16 - 3
(sister came over for dinner and shared a bottle of wine - that's all - thought to myself, "Awesome - that's what I want - to be able to moderate)

Friday, April 22 - 2
(one light beer when I got home from work - it had been a really stressful, rough, crazy day and the sun was shining and one glass of red wine with dinner - went out and thought to myself, "I've got this. I can do this")

Saturday, April 23 - 4
(sister came over for dinner with bottle of wine -  thought to myself,  "Worked out fine last weekend - I think I can successfully moderate" -  this time she went out to get another bottle (didn't drive) and I certainly didn't stop her bc truthfully I also wanted more)

We all played a game and got into an argument/misunderstanding. Everything was ok in the end and I know there would have been conflict without drinking but I am 100% certain that alcohol made it worse.  I also know that if we would have had the argument, we would have finished that second bottle. So stupid.

So that is like 10 drinks in 3 weeks. By past standards, that would have been so good.  I would have been pretty proud on myself. No hangovers and have been sleeping pretty good which has always been my yardstick of judging my moderation.

It is not lost on me that the numbers have  increased with each weekend and that staying on this course WILL, without a doubt, end in a hellacious, depressing hangover that will put me right back in the dame place I am so desperately trying to avoid.

Something is shifting, however, in my thinking.  I want more.  I want more than just "going through the motions" of living.  I want to have a a role model...feel alive and vibrant every day...wake up with a smile on my face (which doesn't start happening until I am at least a month sober - it doesn't even happen when I am successfully moderating). Maybe, somewhere deep in my soul, I know that successful moderation isn't truly what I want.  I just wish everyone in the world would stop drinking and that it would be stigmatized like cigarettes are now - that it would stop being so accepted, romanticized and promoted. I wish sobriety was the "norm".

In the past, successful moderation would have been what I called success.  Now I'm not so sure.  I feel like I want to be that shining beacon of light in my own life and for everyone else to see that demonstrates a different way to live other than just surviving in a day to day humdrum sort of existence.  I know that even with successful moderation, I will still feel tired, unmotivated, out of shape, sluggish, depressed and anxious....sick.  The only was I will truly be living me true, authentic life is to stop drinking - even moderately.

I am never going to feel 100% mentally, physically, emotionally or spiritually when I am putting even a small amount of poison in my body.

I used to be inspired by people who could successfully moderate.  I am still jealous of those people, but they don't inspire me anymore.  I feel inspiration when I read about people who are so happy in sobriety - have found a new peace and joy out of life they would have never found while drinking and never want to go back.

The lyrics to Rolling in the Deep by Adele are in my head right now.

"There's a fire burning in my heart
reaching a fever pitch
and it's bringing me out the dark"

I'm not giving up and will continue fighting

Saturday, April 16, 2016

I know why the want me to drink

I have thought a lot about my own answer to the question in my last post. My kids don't care if I drink or not.  They would probably not want me to drink at all if they thought I could be happy at that.  They haven't ever seen that on the weekends.  During the months (one then four then one then nine then one) I am usually isolated and a "sad sack" - kinda depressed that I can't drink or I am a mess bc I am white knuckling it.  They have also seen me repeatedly beat myself up for drinking too much. They know that depressed, anxious mom all too well.

The mom they know and like and is pleasant to be around is the one that is successfully moderating, which I do quite well most of the time.  I think that may be why they want me to be able to drink and handle it.  The problem, I have learned through experience, is that it is really difficult for me to maintain moderation.  Always, always, always I go back to drinking too much one or two weekends a month.  I used to be OK with that.  I would have a couple of hangovers a month, sleep it off for a day and be fine. Now, those one or two hangovers are just detrimental to my health - mentally, physically and spiritually.  It takes me days to recover and just sucks the life out of me in general all the time.  

It might be time for them to get to know a new mom - calm, happy, confident, motivated, inspirational, even keel. I am 100% confident that when they see this mom, it will be their preference.

I just need to shut out all the other "noise" aks reasons to drink and do what is best for ME.  It is best for me to not drink.

Friday, April 15, 2016

Why in the world would they want me to drink? I don't understand it....

One time I was really sick with the flu - for 4 days I was in bed and my sisters and mom didn't seem to give two shits about me. I was extremely hurt and confused.  Around a year later, I talked to my sister about why no one seemed to care.  She said, "Oh, we just thought you had drank too much and were in one of your depressed moods."  I couldn't believe it! How had they known that had been the case on many occasions before? When I would have a particularly bad hangover and would isolate, I would just tell everyone I didn't feel good, had a headache, etc.  I guess it was a case of crying wolf, bc the one time I really was sick, they didn't believe me.  It was very concerning to me that they thought that way about me and that I wasn't hiding it as well as I thought I was.  It kind of blew my mind and became a reality check for me.

Ever since my kids became teenagers I have been really honest with them about my struggles.  They see it...they were getting too old to believe that, "Mom doesn't feel good (again) and stayed in bed most of the day because she was getting the flu." "Or mom got really loud and crazy last night just bc she is a fun person."

Somehow I felt that if I shared my struggles an all areas - perfectionism, anxiety, alcohol - it could help them recognize traits in themselves.  I feel it has really helped my 21 yo old daughter.  She went through 2 years of binge drinking - and I mean shots of vodka just to get drunk. I didn't know she was doing it for awhile. When I found out, I grounded her for an entire summer for lying to me.  My intention was that she would not rejoin that group of friends.  While she was grounded, we talked a lot about my path since I had been her age and how I started out just like her - social anxiety, drinking all the time to fit in, finally pissed if I couldn't drink on a weekends.  I filled her head with all of my research on addiction, how it changes your brain and what alcohol does to your body and mind. How it makes the anxiety worse.  How it contributed to fighting with your boyfriend.  How it is all just so stupid. (I felt like an addiction counselor - I seemed to be getting through to her better than I was getting through to myself). I wanted her to understand that she is my daughter and that both her father and I have addiction in out families.  She can be different. She doesn't have to go down that path. She can break the cycle.  She does still struggle with perfectionism, some OCD and anxiety but she doesn't drink.  She is 21 and has chosen sobriety. She told me she wouldn't have gotten to this place without me.  I am so very proud of her. She is actually an inspiration to me and I tell her all the time.

My 17 yo old son has never nor ever wants to drink.  Who knows if that will change, but he is very analytical and just sees it as a stupid drug and doesn't get it.

Sooo.... my question....when I might say to my kids, "I am not drinking for a month."  We make plans to go to a nice dinner and they know I want a glass of wine but don't want to drink, they will say things like, "Mom, you are fine. You aren't as bad as you think you are. It's just your latest obsession. You have been doing really well lately.  One glass of wine won't hurt.  Have a good time, just don't over do it."

Why in the world would they want me to drink?  I don't understand it....

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Drinking Dream Last Night

I was a the grocery store and bought a bottle of red wine.  After I paid for my groceries, I went the bathroom (in the store) with the bottle f wine.  I opened it, took three big swigs, put the cap back on, left the bathroom and put the bottle back in my cart.

I think my addiction might be calling to me....well you can just go *&$# off!  I am not drinking this weekend!