Thursday, April 27, 2017

4/27/17 (Thurs) - Emotional vs physical response to alcohol

The last two Sundays when I have woke up at 2:00 am (after drinking) and can't go back to sleep, I posted a question about why on a message board I am on. Many said that they thought the heart palpitations and insomnia were caused by anxiety.  I am not so sure.  I really truly believe that alcohol, no matter how little, causes that physical response in my body.  It may be the same physical feelings of anxiety but not caused by worry, disappointment, shame.  Last Sunday, yes I drank and I wasn't happy about it but I wasn't beating myself up about it at 2:00 am.  In other words my anxiety about drinking weren't causing the physical symptoms.  I believe that the presence of alcohol in my system caused my body to have the physical symptoms of heart palpitations, headaches and insomnia.  I also believe that the presence of alcohol in my system over time has physically messed with the neurotransmitter in my brain and is physically causing anxiety, depression, memory loss and exhaustion. I don't think it is all an emotional/mental response any more.  I think my body can no longer physically handle alcohol.

Monday, April 24, 2017

2/24/27 (Sun) - Stupid stupid stupid stupid!!!!!!!

It really took a lot for me to post today. I really was ready to just give up on the blogging as I feel like an idiot and am tired of posting about failure.

As you can guess, I drank last night!!!  Only two beers, but once again failed a promise I made to myself about a sober weekend.  I really don't know why. I started BBQing and a beer just sounded good, so I had one. I didn't really even wrestle with it in my mind. I just got one and drank it. No big deal. And then I drank another one but did stop at two even though I wanted a third. I would have called that a semi-success except I broke a promise to myself (for the millionth time) and I fell like crap today.

No big deal?!?!?!? I woke up at 1:30 after three hours of sleep (wnet to bed two hours past my usual bedtime) had a terrible stomach ache, a bit of a headache and never went back to sleep. Just like liast Sunday!!!  After only two beers?!?!?!?  My body is intolerant of alcohol.

So here I am - another Monday feeling tired (not so much hungover like last Monday) but still tired, pissed at myself, and grumpy. Choose the behavior....choose the consequence.

Well...I can't change it and I won't stop trying so here is to next weekend being a sober weekend.

And I would like to apologize to myself for being a dumb ass yet again.

Now that all of that is out......I am going to try to stay positive about my road to sobriety rather than dwell on my failure.

Back to climbing that damn hill...

Image result for sober rocks

Sunday, April 23, 2017

4/23/17 (Sun) - Two down, one to go

I did not drink.  We even went to dinner with my sister. She had wine. I had seltzer.  After I ordered the seltzer, she says,"You on the wagon again?" I said, "Yes, for this weekend. I drank quite a bit last weekend and felt terrible on Monday.  I am taking a break this weekend." It was fine. She had to take her boys somewhere after anyways so it felt good that I wasn't drinking therefore she wouldn't want to drink anymore than one glass either.

One more day and I'm good until next weekend.   It is nice and sunny outside, and I am going to BBQ. I may get some cravings, but I'm not gonna drink today.

I will enjoy being sober today.

Image result for enjoy being sober

Saturday, April 22, 2017

4/22/17 (Sat) - One down, Two to go

I am a weekend drinker (which I pay for during the week).  If I can get through today and tomorrow, I will be good until next weekend. I am going to reread and remind myself how awful I felt last Monday after a weekend of drinking.  When the cravings begin, I am going to read my post from last Monday.  I don't know if I will get together with my sister, but if I am not confident I can say no to drinking, I will tell her I still am not feeling well.  I want to be sober this weekend so I can start healing and getting back in shape for the summer.  I am 20 pounds overweight, and I am sick of it.  I know I will be too depressed and exhausted to work out next week if I drink this weekend.

I am determined to have a Sober Saturday.

Friday, April 21, 2017

4/21/17 (Fri) - Success for today

I had two offers tonight to get together - friends and my sister.  I would have drank. I told all of them that I wasn't feeling that well (which isn't a complete lie), stayed home and watched tv. Going to bed soon (before 9:00) lol.

My sister wants to get together tomorrow. Not sure what I will do...

But today I was successful :)  Friday's are hard.  The fact that is was rainy helped.

4/21/27 (Fri) - Nervous

I haven't had a sober weekend in a awhile. I have gotten back in the habit of drinking as soon as I get home on Friday afternoon. Not usually too much, but still.  Saturday I am back in the habit of coordinating some kind of situation (getting together with neighbors or family or going out to dinner or just looking around the neighborhood texting any of my drinking friends with a "what's up" and hoping they mention "wanna have a drink").  I feel like I am plotting and planning in my head all day to have an excuse to drink in the late afternoon/evening. Lately, I have been drinking too much on Saturdays and feeling crappy on Sunday. If I do manage to moderate on Saturday, then I usually figure out a way to justify drinking on Sunday (family dinner, BBQ, yard work, just happen to go outside when my neighbor is out there bc I know she will always say "wanna have a beer?",  then I act like "well, idk, it's Sunday, I have to work tomorrow, OK just one (which is never just one). It is all so much bullshit and planning nd energy.  Then I wake up Monday and fell terrible just trying to get through the day. I don;t work out. I eat like crap, I am bloated, exhausted, depressed, etc. I don't start feeling better until Thursday and start the whole cycle over.  In fact, my brain was telling me yesterday - just drink - who cares - try harder - don't blog - summer is coming - you can;t do this over summer - just work out - you are fine.

SHUT UP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 I AM NOT DRINKING THIS WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whoa, wait a minute-----------I am staying sober this weekend!  There that feels better.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

4/20/17 (Thurs) - Climbing the mountain

Image result for mountain

I was a a training for work yesterday and although they were talking about teaching related stuff, I kept thinking about how it also applied to my quest for sobriety.  There were three things I wrote down:

When changing, you move through four steps

unconscious incompetence - you don't even know you have a problem  
conscious incompetence  - you know you have a problem
conscious competence  - you work really hard on the problem
unconscious competence  - the problem is resolved - no longer takes huge amounts of effort

I think I have been back and forth between steps 2 and 3 for a long time - usually in step 2, trying to be in step 3, hoping to someday be in step 4.

"People have built quite successful careers describing the hill, measuring the hill, walking around the hill, taking pictures of the hill and so forth. Sooner or later, somebody needs to actually climb the hill." from Six Secrets of Change by Pfeffer

I have worn a deep path around the "sobriety hill" not only doing those things but also trying to figure out the grass on the hill, why it grows there, when it was created, if I can change it, if it even needs changing, who else has been on the hill, if they climbed it, how they climbed it, how long did they stay on it, what kind of animals live on it, have ever lived on it, if there is another way around it, if I can get to the top without actually climbing it, do I even need to get to the top, is it even fun up there, get the point.  Who gives a shit! Just climb the damn hill already! Also I feel like it is more of a mountain as shown above rather than nice little grassy hill.

We often lose focus when the business of daily school (life) happens. We shift into a reactive role. responding to chaos, rather than proactively working towards goals that might address some of the underlying reasons for the chaos." -Aguilar

I totally get that, except the chaos of drinking is in my brain.  When tomorrow night arrives (or maybe even tonight - you know Thirsty Thursday) the chatter, negotiating, convincing, screaming, chaotic voice in my head will begin telling me to drink - that I'm not that bad and I can moderate if I just try harder.  I need to have a plan to get through that.