Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Feeling weird - sugar?

I felt so good yesterday, but this morning I feel groggy, out of it and tired.  Could it be sugar? Sunday night I didn't eat any sugar and got 8 solid hours of sleep. Last night I ate 4 Girl Scout cookies right before I went to bed and only got 7 hours of sleep. I am going to try to not eat any sugar tonight and see if that helps how I feel tomorrow morning.  I think my body craves all of the sugar that it is no longer getting from alcohol.  Anyone else experience this?

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Searching for Coincidences


I saw this TED talk this morning.  It is pretty entertaining with a guy doing some magic tricks that are pretty amazing, but I truly believe in the message he was giving.  I am a firm believer that EVERYTHING happens for a reason.  We are getting "messages" from the universe, God, a higher power (whatever you believe) all the time, we just aren't usually paying attention.  I could name hundreds of times this has happened to me.  For example, I had to have surgery 4 years after the birth of my second child.  I was a stressed out disaster - trying to work full time, run a household and be a good mom.  As I was laying in the hospital bed at 4:00 am, I turned on the TV and a woman came on talking about how your life is your choice, that you only have one life to live and how you live it is a choice.  She said and I quote, "Money isn't everything. Your priority right now should be your children.  Everything else will work itself out."  I was flabbergasted.  I felt like it was a "message". My dd had a teacher who job shared.  I asked her the next week what it was like to job share. She said and I quote, "Oh my gosh, I need a partner next year. You should do it with me!"  I couldn't believe it! After a lot of contemplating about the .5 paycheck, I took the job for 2 years.  It wasn't easy financially, but we made it through and I was much happier.

I could probably give hundreds of examples of this happening in my life.  I think that the "universe" will always steer us in the right direction and is always giving us clues, it is our job to pay attention and listen.

Wow! That was deep this morning :)

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Snow Day!

Woop! Woop!

I can get my report cards done before the weekend!

Used to be - Sweet! Let's see if I can get a partay started today.  Maybe we can have some hot cocoa and peppermint schnapps and take the kids to the sledding hill this afternoon.  How pathetic is that! I just used to use EVERYTHING as an excuse to drink.

Now, I am up early and ready to bang out those report cards so I can take nap this afternoon. Yeah, I know that sounds like a riveting day :)   A little less exciting but a lot more calming!

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

The buzz AKA hyper!!! party!!! yeah!!!

For some reason, this time, I really am not having as hard a time not drinking.  I am still having the intense feelings of dread about never being able to drink again and once in awhile having a pretty intense craving, but it doesn't seem as hard. I was thinking about why that is - what is different. This time I have a new feeling - something I haven't felt before.  I really do not want the buzz in my head that you get when drinking.

When I am drinking I feel kinda revved up, not able to calm down and focus on anything. It does make me feel happy, excited, energetic. I feel like I am the most popular person in the world when I drink. I feel like everyone loves me and wants me to be around. I feel like I am the life of the party.  Some of that is probably true, I can be pretty fun, if I do say so myself, but I also have quite an inflated ego when I drink.  While I am drinking, there really isn't any sense of calm.  I am either floating (bouncing) around the room, cooking, or out doing something all while incessantly talking. I don't know how many times my dh has gotten upset at me for talking through a movie at the movie theater after I have been drinking.  I just CAN'T slow down or stop talking when I drink.  I think I might have been annoying?

I am also not a very good listener when I drink.  I do appear to be listening, but my brain isn't really caring about what you have to say.  I feel like I care in the moment, but it is just the surface sense of caring.  You probably really think that I am listening and interested (for about 10 minutes until I have to get up and find the next conversation), but I am not really that focused and some of it I don't even remember the next day. It really is all about me.

When I drink, I don't want to stop or slow down or have the party end. When I slow down I get tired and I don't want the fun to stop by getting tired.  I also don't want anyone else to get tired, so I would always make sure they had a drink.  I was the ultimate hostess!

I was also the one in high school at midnight that was yelling, "Let's go get some crazy bread from Little Ceasars, find a park and go swinging!!  Come on!! It will be so fun!!  I loved bars in my 20s - dance clubs - it was full of really fun people who were also moving, talking and didn't want to slow down. My friends were ALWAYS ready to leave before I was.

One time some neighbors, my dh and I went downtown to dinner and a comedy club.  We got back around 12:30 and we were all pretty buzzed.  I was having such a good time that I invited (begged) everyone to come to my house.  I made plate after plate of nachos and kept the drinks coming.  We were all in our 30s/40s and we stayed up until 4:00 am!  How stupid!  We all felt so bad the next day and it really was my fault because I didn't want to stop partying.  I can be very convincing.

I have to say that I am kinda tired of that.  I'm not just tired of the late nights, the hangovers, the depression, anxiety, etc,, this time I can really say I am tired of the buzzed, fuzzy head I get from drinking.  That hyperness that comes with drinking. I really don;t understand all the reasons I drank., but I know it took a lot of energy. It just all seemed so exhausting!  I am exhausted just typing it all. All I know is that right now I am enjoying a clear head and a calmer life.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Living life authentically

“As this New Year begins, I focus on my life--where I have been and where I see myself going.  I review my accomplishments and mistakes with honesty.  What am I most proud of?  What do I want to change and how?  I begin by accepting my current circumstances honestly.  Each New Year brings unlimited possibilities to write a new story.  I am true to myself and focus on what is really important.  From this awareness, I create an authentic life that reflects who I really am.  I am unique and my life is unique.  I am creator, director, and writer of my story, and I direct it in a way that brings the greatest joy for myself and others.  As I live authentically, I enjoy a life of well-being and love.” -Unity Daily Word (January/February 2015)

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Am I a drifter?

I am trying to make a decision about switching grade levels at my school.  I sooooo struggle with decision making.  I just do not know which is the correct decision to make.  I am always so afraid that I will regret the choice I make.  I am just lamenting and stuck about which one to choose. I could stay in my grade level, which  I know like the back of my hand, or I can change to 6th grade which would be challenging but invigorating.

I found an excellent video about making hard choices that I am going to watch a few more times. The speaker says that instead of looking for reason "out there", we need to look for reasons inside ourselves.  That we need to make a decision and stand behind that - to let that it be what we stand for. Be completely behind the choice, stop wondering if it was right or not and let it be who we are - what we stand for.  People who don't exercise their power in making hard choices are drifters. They allow the the world to make their choices through rewards and punishment, pats on the head, fear, the easiness of an option   - to determine what they do. Hard choices are special opportunities for us to define or redefine ourselves.

Am I a drifter? What can I stand for?


As I was typing, thinking about my choices at school, it also occurred to me that it could be relevant when in comes to my drinking.  That is certainly a hard (maybe the hardest) choice of all for me.  Can I really stand behind living without alcohol? Can it be what I get behind and be who I am rather than second guessing my decision all the time?  Am I being a drifter that is letting the outside world (what people will think, fitting in, the immediate reward of the high I get when I drink) control my decisions?  I do see this little, teeny, tiny piece of my brain being a person that stands for sobriety, that redefines sobriety for the people around me, that can be a ray of sunshine in this highly rationalizing addicted world.  Sometimes I wish the world would help me make this decision, that I wouldn't be in the driver's seat, as the second video talks about. I know it sounds terrible, but if I were diagnosed with some disease (not terminal of course) but just something I could tell people as a reason why I don't drink, it would be easier.  They would say, "Oh yea, I get it."  Why do I need that? Why do I need outside validation?

In my job decision I had just wished my principal would have made the decision for me, or my current teammate had pissed me off with all the negativity one more time or that a member of the new team would have really expressed a desire for me to join them. Just one little outside piece of validation to help me make the hard decision. Why do I need that? Why can't I just make a decision and have the power to stand behind it?  I just need to stop being so wishy-washy.

Am I a drifter? What can I stand for?


IDK - maybe letting go of the driver's seat meas, "Let go...Let God"?

The following is for my own thought process - probably boring - just needed to write it down:

Pros and cons

Stay in 5th - least risky option but run the risk of boredom and dissatisfaction

I KNOW the curriculum - I have been in 5th for 10 years
I wouldn't need to learn a knew curriculum - it is A LOT of work
I have a lot of control - I have had a lot of input as to what we do
There are some interpersonal relationships in my current team - not bad and not all the time - my                  teammates just don't seem to like teaching anymore and it brings me down sometimes
I have job security on this team
If I don't move now, I might be in 5th for a long time
I like 5th graders (age)
It would be easier to stay put

Move to 6th - more risky option but I like change and challenge

I am getting a little bored with the curriculum - I have been in 5th grade for 10 years
I get excited to learn something new, do something different
I would need to "give up the driver's seat" (see the TED talk below) as being part of a new team, you
     have to sit back and fit in the first year - you can't go in trying to change things - it's annoying
I think i would enjoy teaching with this team, but the answer is unknown
Less job security (in this grade level) as I have less seniority on this team
The opportunity has arisen for me to move, and may not come again for a long time
I have taught 6th grade before and know I like the kids (age)

Any suggestions?  From looking from the outside in - can you tell which one I should do?  There I go again looking for outside validation?  Arghhhhh!

Thursday, February 19, 2015

You buy the first round

Yesterday I decided I might switch grade levels.  I have been at the same grade for 9 years. Every 5-10 years I tend to switch either grade levels, schools or classrooms.  I think i just get bored after awhile and need a new challenge.  It is a big deal to consider since it would just be easier to stay put - I already know the curriculum. Switching (up a grade) does not make me nervous in any way except having to learn the curriculum for that grade.  I need to make a decision by tomorrow, so it has been taking up a lot of my "brain space".

Anyway, when I went to talk to the potential team I would be joining, they said they would be happy for me to join them.  They also said, "You buy the first round."  Whoa! That his me like a ton of bricks!  That one statement sent me way back.  I have only been out drinking with this team maybe 5 times in the past 10 years when there has been an school social event, but that comment shook me to the core.  I think it is the desperate need to feel like I belong, like I fit in, like people want me around.

I was talking to a co worker about it yesterday and she said, "Let's have a glass of wine and talk about it."  What twice in one day...I can't take it!

So I came home, still contemplating my decision, and these thoughts came into my head, "I want to be able to have a beer with them, I want to be able to have a glass of wine with my sister, I want to be able to sit in the sun and have a beer with my neighbor........this SUCKS!  Why can't i just be normal? Maybe I am normal, I am just making a big deal out of something that isn't and then, "Just go get a beer and drink it right now!  Hurry! All this nonsense will be over! Once you have the first one, the decision will be made! You can moderate!  Just be more careful!"

I made bowl of popcorn, poured a seltzer water, sat on the couch, watched TV for the next three hours and sulked...I may try again....no I'm not....please.....no....maybe?....not today.....

I got up this morning, after a night of terrible dreaming (I think I was dying in my dream), with a headache.  I got online and saw this little gem of a video.

It is all sooooo stupid!