Monday, December 5, 2016

12/5/16 Old, ugly, out of shape and tired

I have been feeling really weird lately.  I was never the most gorgeous person in the room, but I think people thought I looked alright.  My outgoing personality, the fact that I worked out all the time (and it showed) and my happy, positive outlook made me pretty popular with people in my 20s and 30s. My high school years - not so much - I was awkward, insecure, uncomfortable, anxious, a little shy - kind of like  am now when I don't drink.  I'm sure the drinking helped as I was always ready to party it up and have a great time! My 40s have been spent really struggling with alcohol.  I feel bipolar. Sometimes I am back in my 20s and 30s, having a great time, socializing, drinking, being popular. But now that also comes with hangovers, depression, anxiety and being out of shape.  Sometimes I am trying not to drink and I am back in my teens - anxious, insecure, depressed, feeling left out.  I am going to be 50 in about 14 months and I think it is messing with my mind.  I am also 20 pounds overweight, tired looking, sometimes grumpy and ALWAYS exhausted!  I feel insignificant - like I don't matter anymore.  Like my opinion doesn't matter anymore because I am just that frumpy, overweight, old lady that doesn't matter.  Like I am not longer able to make a contribution. I have never felt this way before and it is really messing with me.  I am not longer the fun, cute, in shape, vivacious, outgoing, happy, successful person.  I feel insecure, anxious, questioning my self worth, it is just very strange.  Maybe this is what they call a mid life crisis.  How do I shake myself out of it?

Saturday, December 3, 2016

12/3/16 (Sat) Drank...

So here is what happened.  I was so tired yesterday. I hadn't slept well the last couple of nights and was just worn out from a week of teaching.  After work I go to the store for stuff to make dinner and think, "A glass of wine would be really good right now.  Wrap a couple Christmas presents. Make some dinner.  Drink a couple of glass of wine. No big deal. Just have 2 glasses. What's the big deal?" Then I think, "Wait a minute. What happened to a quiet, relaxing, sober weekend?  I am really just exhausted.  I should go home a take a nap. Wine or nap?"  So after that I just stopped thinking. Got a bottle of wine.  Had 2.5 glasses, Got a little hyper while cooking.  Got really tired after.  Went to bed at a decent time and felt like I was having a heart attach until about 1:00 in the morning!  My heart would not stop POUNDING in my chest and the left side kinda hurt. Ridiculous!  I didn't even drink that much! Most people can drink 2 glasses of wine and be just fine! Makes me kinda mad! Not sure if I was just imagining the pain, but needless to say...I'm tired today.  Not hungover (thank goodness) but certainly tired.  Poured the rest of the wine down the sink this morning and will try again tonight to not drink.

I was thinking when I woke up -  because that is what I do every morning and usually sets the stage for the rest of my day. I was thinking, "Why did I drink? What was the purpose? Why did I feel the need?  I think one of two things might have been at play (and it wasn't the sun shining - LOL - for those of you that know that is a big Friday afternoon trigger of mine. It is freezing here).

One - I think maybe that when I am really tired I lose my motivation.  I just kinda lose the fight in myself. I am too tired to fight so I just give in.  I am not a "bad times" drinker.  If I am upset, angry or sad I don't drink, but I do when I am bored and/or maybe when I am too tired to fight.  I have always known the bored trigger but never considered the tired trigger.

Plan for this - Maybe if I try to take better care of myself during the week (work out, eat well, get plenty of sleep, drink lots of water) I will have more resolve and energy to stick to my guns on the weekend.

Two - I think alcohol gives me a brief energy burst.  After I had finished one glass of wine, I was singing to the radio and having a great time.  I certainly wasn't tire anymore for about 2 hours. It was great!  I am so used to Friday and Saturday nights being filled with fun, energy, drinking, laughing, socializing and having a great time.

Plan for this - I'm really not sure.  I know a big trigger on the weekends (the only time I drink) is boredom.  I am not comfortable with being bored on the weekends.  It doesn't feel like a weekend. It is almost like my weekend has lost its appeal.  For the past 20 years I have always looked forward to relaxing, cutting lose, having fun, being hyper, socializing  - kind of rewarding myself for finishing a week - weekends.  I'm really not quite sure how to flip that script.  It sounds so stupid to say but - what is the point of even having a weekend if I can't drink and have a good time? I know that is ridiculous but I think it is the way my brain thinks or has been conditioned to think. I need to figure out a way to have fun, fight boredom, socialize, unwind and enjoy weekends without drinking.

Ya...Ya...I know...just do it for awhile and it will come....easier said than done...

Friday, December 2, 2016

12/2/16 (Fri) Gluten Allergy? MTFHR?

I have not been eating any gluten for a few days and the yesterday I ate a whole white bagel and a whit tortilla...gross....but I was hungry and tired and grumpy.  Last night I felt like I had been drinking.  I woke up with my heart pounding and my head felt weird.  When I woke completely, I was glad it wasn't alcohol induced but it was really weird.

I also have a chromosomal defect called MTHFR. My body can't process folic acid so I take methyfolate instead.

I wonder if either one of these could be impacting my body's ability to process alcohol.  I just feel like I have always gotten more drunk than everyone else and suffered worse hangovers when drinking the same amount as people around me.

Maybe my body just can't handle it...maybe it never could...I  know for a fact my brain can't.

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I also know that drinking derails all five of the above good habits.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

12/1/16 (Thurs) Looking forward to a sober weekend

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Finally feeling better from my last overindulgence Thanksgiving week.  Looking forward to a calm, peaceful, relaxing, productive, happy, positive, SOBER weekend!

Monday, November 28, 2016

11/28/16 (Mon) 15 Years of Trying

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As usual, when I come back to my blog after having my drinking has slowly escalating and then turning into a hellacious hangover, I go back and look at old posts.  I have been actively battling alcohol and blogging about it for 5 1/2 years and I know I was trying to moderate for at least 10 years before I stated this blog (drinking for over 30 years but din't see a problem before 15 years ago). So I have been trying to have control over alcohol for around 15 years now.  I am talking 15 years of obsessively thinking about drinking (am I? am I not? can I? can't I? should I stop? can I moderate?). That is a long time.

I am so tired...there has to be something better than living the high highs and the low lows that comes with drinking.  I just don't seem to be able to give up the high highs even though the low lows have just become impossible to deal with.  It isn't really even all about the terrible hangovers and wasted days that I suffer at the hands of wanting the high highs.  It is also the numbness, sadness, lack of motivation, irritability, anxiety, insecurity that comes with the all the times between the high highs and the low lows.  Just my day to day life has become uninspired, a kind of what's the point, monotonous, lackluster, blah, just going through the motions kind of existence.  Unless it is Thursday, Friday or Saturday (when I look forward to drinking) I just really have a hard time enjoying anything in life anymore.

It's almost like I live in this fog of existence.  I just don't look too closely at dirty house, my lack of working out, my laundry that needs to be done, my poor eating habits, my grumpiness towards other people, my insecurities about everything.  I just kind of go through my day uninspired, just trying to get through it so I can go to bed.  Unless I am looking forward to drinking, actually drinking or suffering a hangover, this is how I feel most of this time.

I have also found that I have a new reason for drinking - to just numb out even more.  Sometimes when I drink on the weekends, it isn't to have fun, party, socialize.  Sometimes it is just to sit on my couch, by myself, drinking, watching tv and numb out.

There has to be a better way to live...

Sunday, November 27, 2016

11/27/16 (Sun) Contemplating Sobriety....Again

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For those of you that still check up on me...thank you...I really mean that.  Even though I don't know you personally it is comforting that someone out there knows all about me - the good, bad and ugly - and still cares about what happens to me.

I am back and somewhat struggling - surprise...surprise!

I haven't posted since September and haven't done too bad.  I have probably had 3 or 4 really bad hangovers in that time (including one I am just now recovering form 3 days ago on Thanksgiving), but I have been drinking at least a little every weekend.

Today I am tired, depressed, grumpy, blah, anxious and irritable.  I really don;t want to feel this way anymore, so I am back and ready to start thinking about living a different way...again.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

9/21/16 (Wed) So tired...and grumpy

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I am exhausted and I know drinking this weekend will just put me right back in this spot next week...sooo...I'm not going to drink this weekend