Monday, May 23, 2016

urghhh

Image result for tired

16 beers in 6 days.  Not exactly how I want to start my summer vacation.  I refuse to let another summer pass me by being out of shape, tired, stressed and exhausted.  I need to make a change...

Monday, May 9, 2016

Better than I thought



Yesterday actually went well in all regards except one...I drank...not a lot but still...

My mom came over and we actually had a good time.  I don't know what was different but she actually acted like she wanted to be at my house and there was no drama.

I am not super happy with myself for drinking but I do think that I have figured out that my family (sisters and mother) are a trigger for me to drink. I don't know if it is out of habit, or because it helps me cope with the stress of worrying about drama, or if it an avoidance strategy so I don't have to deal with my feelings.

Regardless, drinking whenever I am around them is still allowing them to control my behavior.  I am still working on it.

I haven't failed until I have given up, right???

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Mother's Day Confessions (warning- a lot of negativity)



Happy Mother's Day!  I am adamant about this Mother's Day not turning out like last year:


Sunday - woke up promising myself that I wouldn't drink, that my Mother's Day gift to myself and my family was for me to be sober. My sister poured the first glass of wine around 2:00 and asked me if I wanted any.  I didn't even hesitate and ended up drinking more than an entire bottle over the next 6 hours.  I was emotional more then once in the middle of conversations and I know I was loud. Finally at 9:30 pm everyone had gone home and I was falling asleep (passing out) on the couch,  I saw out of the corner of my eye, my 16 yo son, make that pretend gesture of drinking to my husband as if to ask, "Has mom had too much to drink?"  I lost it.....I got up, went upstairs leaving my whole house in shambles, literally tore my clothes off slamming every piece of clothing to the floor ( I was soooo pissed at myself), put my jammies on and went to bed without brushing my teeth or washing my face.  And then I began to sob.  My son came in and felt bad because he thought I was crying because of what he had done.  All I could say was, "I am fine, honey. This has nothing to do with you. I love you."  I ended Mother's Day with my 16 yo dear son trying to comfort his drunk mother. Not what I had had in mind.  That's being a great mom! I woke up at 1:15 and never got back to sleep. 

I hate you alcohol!  And I am not fine! And I hate myself!

This year I will be the one in control and not make any drama worse.  

I am a little nervous about today.  One of my sisters won't come to my house bc of the ridiculous drama I talked about in an earlier post.  She was not at last year's Mother's Day either bc she was mad about something else. My other sister (the one coming over - let's call her the "brutally honest" sister) gets super mad about stuff and says what she thinks.  I respect her honesty, but it can cause chaos. She has no respect for our mother and will say what she thinks - not always tactfully. 

My mom is coming over. She is always negative, depressed, judgmental and grumpy. It is way worse now that the one sister won't be here. I'm not kidding - she NEVER smiles - just trods through life as the victim - head drooping, shoulders drooping. It is exhausting to be around her.  I know it might sound heartless but we have talked to her numerous times about her outlook on life, her perception of things, her attitude - even about getting some professional help.  She just says in a super sad voice, "I just pray about everything...God will take care of my problems..."  I am a Christian, but I think she needs more than that. She needs someone who can talk back to her and give her a different way of looking at her life. She won't listen to us.  All she says is, "I'm sorry I'm such a downer to be around. I'll just go home. I'm sorry I am not happy all the time.  I have a hard life. I will just pray.  No one knows what I go  through..."  It just gets really frustrating.  Sadly, after 20 years of this, I have almost given up.  I can't make her happy and she makes me unhappy so it is just easier to not be around her. 

She wouldn't be nearly as bad if it was me or my "honest" sister who weren't attending (I have proof of that from past experiences) but the sister on the outs (by her own doing) is her favorite and it is always everyone's else's fault that she is left out - so not true.  I have ALWAYS been the one to make things right, to "fix" things even if they weren't my fault usually to make my mom feel better and not worry.  I just can't do it this time, and I think my mom is mad at me for it.  I have been part of the problem in the past but not this time. This time it is without a doubt my "on the outs" sister's fault.  It is so glaringly her fault that everyone else can see it except my mom.    I am soooo sick of the drama, negativity, selfishness, favoritism, mean spiritedness of this family that I am ready to move away.  Just bc you are family doesn't mean you have to be friends. If we weren't related, they would never be people I would choose to hang around with.  It is so sad to say, but I do not have a lot of respect for my one sister or my mom and they have been reckless with my feelings. They have even shut out my kids...so immature.

It is so painful to have a mother that wasn't there for me emotionally.  Did she feed me, take me to school, make sure I had shelter, help watch my kids when they were young? Yes. Did she have a lot going on with an alcoholic husband, being a single mom on food stamps, getting remarried and living this "new" life of hers while forgetting about me, now taking care of a husband with dementia? Yes. I know she did the best she knew how to do, but it has really taken an emotional toll of me - I have hated not having an emotionally supportive relationship with either a mother or a father.  It is painful.  She didn't' protect me from some pretty bad stuff and she cannot talk about anything difficult -  ever. She would just say, "I'm sorry I was such a bad mother!"  She just gets so defensive and cries and prays and blah blah blah...She just wants everyone to feel sorry for her.

Wow! That was super negative for a Mother's Day post!  But it did feel good to get it off my chest.  

I have just decided that I have my dh, ds, and dd to focus on - and of course myself.  
It has taken me 48 years of heartache and pain to come to the realization that we are not one big happy family and that is ok.  I can't fix everything and I just need to focus on being the best person I can be for my dh, ds and dd.  I have learned form many past experiences, it is just better for me to keep my mouth shut and keep my opinions to myself.  They fall on deaf ears.  Remaining sober certainly helps me do this.  

My focus is being the best possible mother for my children emotionally.  I may go overboard but I don't care - too much attention is better than none :)

I love my kids deeply and want to be the best mom I can be to them. I think we have an amazing relationship.  I can do that today by role modeling respectful (no matter how I feel) responsible, compassionate behavior towards everyone and have a peaceful calm day.  

Now to keep my "honest" sister in check...

Friday, May 6, 2016

Calmness



I think this might be the ticket for me.  I just need to keep myself calm this weekend so I don't drink. It is when I get all wound up that my urges are the worst.

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Cravings



I was thinking about alcohol cravings.  I can honestly say that after I give into that initial craving, I don't really even think I like to drink anymore.  Here's how it goes for me:


  • I'm going along with my day - everything is normal - no thoughts of alcohol.
  • I get home from work - still good - no thoughts.
  • One little thing happens - for example this new commercial for box wine that they keep playing at exactly the wrong time every evening on the news channel I watch.
  • Because of that one commercial (or whatever the trigger is) a little teeny thought wriggles its way into my mind.  
  • I do a little mental struggle back and forth about how nice a beer would be, how its been a rough day, how I deserve it, how I can just have one.
  • I do this in my head for about 10 minutes, many times almost dismissing the thought, and then I say, "Screw it. I'm having one beer."  Its like a teeter totter slowly going back and forth (should I? shouldn't I?) that could easily land on either side for a few minutes.  Them my addicted brain takes over and suddenly, forceably slams its side down and before I can recover any balance back, I have cracked open a beer.  I can almost hear my brain saying to itself, "Hurry...go get one before you change your mind." That is some crazy talk...  Does that make any sense to anyone???  AM I just crazy??
  • I get that one beer and for the first few drinks, its good.  It satisfies my craving.  
  • Inevitably, I get another one. I don't know why... I just do. I guess I think," Well I have already had one so what difference does it make." I have been really good at stopping at 2.

For normal drinkers, two beers would be nothing.

For me it is everything.

Here is the part I have been thinking about - after the craving has been satisfied -after those first three drinks of the first beer - I don't like it anymore. I don't like the buzz, I don't like not being clear headed, I don't like feeling distracted and ultra sensitive. I don't like not being able to sleep well. I don't like waking up in the morning a little groggy, my tummy feeling not quite right, not feeling positive and happy, instead feeling a little depressed, tired and down on myself.

Here is what I think I need to focus on:

SAYING NO TO THE CRAVING.......

Any suggestions???

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Huge trigger - family drama



My sister and I have had a falling out.  It has been coming for years and has happened off and on many times.  Six months ago it got bad.  She just stopped talking to me...nothing...even started with the whole mean girl stuff towards me which I have been dealing with from her since high school.  For God's sakes we are both in out forties!  It is just ridiculous!  I have ALWAYS been the peace maker in the past. Sometimes I have done it for my mom.  Sometimes to be a good role model for my kids. Sometimes because I don't want people to see me in a bad light.  Sometimes just because the conflict kills me - very much like my conflict with alcohol.  I obsess over it. I think about it all day and night, I cry, I yell, I talk to other people about it constantly, I type huge texts and then just never send them.  It is bad.  With this sister (I have 2) every time I would go to her to work it out (even when I didn't start it) her response was - I'm sorry you felt that way.  It wasn't my intention.  We just have different perceptions of things.  Maybe that is true, but I don't feel like she ever truly apologizes for her actions.  She never says just a  "I'm sorry" EVER!  She know that it all drives me crazy. She just sits and waits for me to make a move and then just acts like it was all my fault because of the way I perceived the situation.  Some of these incidences even involve disrespecting me as a mom and sister by allowing my kids to do things while around her that she knows I would disapprove of just to be the cool aunt.  Or I say one thing wrong and that's it! She doesn't talk to me, she just shuts off all communication.  Then after enough time has passed and I finally go to her, she can water down how ridiculous she acted in the first place and just talk about my perceptions.  It is all so stupid!   Even my kids (who I have tried so hard to keep them out of the drama) are upset with her because she also stopped speaking to them and bc of the way she is treating me.

This scenario has played out at least 20 times in our adult life.  Well, this last time was kind of a final straw.  After six months of her not speaking to me (for I have no idea what), heartache, sobbing, talking, yelling, lamenting, typing at least 20 unsent texts the size of novels. fighting with my mom about it (bc she ALWAYS takes her side to the point that my mom and I barely even have a relationship any more) I AM DONE!  I can no longer allow her to have this kind of control over my emotional well being.  Judging by her behavior, I don't think it really even bothers her that much and I am dying over it.  It has taken me probably about 4 weeks to come to the realization that she will not be in my life and that I will be ok with that.  She doesn't deserve to be (sister or not).  She will is not a nice person and not someone I would ever be friends with if she weren't related to me.  He presence in my life it just too toxic.  FINALLY I got to a place where I am ok with that.

Well.....yesterday she texted me an apology.  What the hell am I supposed to do with that?  I'll tell you what I did...I drank - damnit!  I just got so worked up and wanted to talk to my other sister and husband about it, that I opened a beer and continued to talk about it for two hours and drink 3 beers. Afterward, I felt emotionally spent!  What the hell just happened?  I felt like the Tasmanian devil, completely out of my mind, not even 100% processing that I kept drinking and just swirling around in this cesspool of emotional family bullshit.  Well, I just figured out that is a HUGE trigger for me.  I don't know what I am going to do about my sister ( I haven't texted her back), but I do know I need some different coping strategies in the future when it comes to family drama.  I 100% know that drinking is not the answer and that I will handle things much better when I am sober.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

I so want things to be different this May




I posted this last May 16, 2015.  It is SO STUPID to me that things are still the same. Same behavior, same obsession, same disappointment.

I have noticed that when I drink I am becoming more agitated, critical, loud and negative than I ever used to.  I used to be the fun, no drama, party girl.  I have turned into the finger wagging, fist pounding, yelling person (bitch!).  I do not like that side of myself.

All I can do is be the best person I can be to all of the people in my life. 

I do not for 100% fact that I cannot become that person when I drink - even moderately on the weekends.  Even when I drink moderately, I lose that sense of calm and peace inside of myself - maybe because even when 
successfully moderating I am still mentally obsessing.


I posted this last May 11, 2015.  Same bullshit, different year.  This needs to end!


SO many promises I broke to myself this weekend.

Friday - drank one beer with dinner - told myself that morning I wasn't going to drink -
came home and drank 3 more glasses of wine by myself - no one was home - told myself that I wouldn't drink alone

Saturday - drank a beer before we went out - told myself I wouldn't pre drink anymore.
drank two more glasses of wine with dinner and went to see a movie.  Didn't drink any more but when the movies went out twice due to a snow storm, I was desperately wishing we had gone to the theatre that lets you drink.  I would have definitely gone and gotten 2 more drinks.  I was really craving more alcohol at that point even though both my kids were like, "How much has mom drank?" It wasn't that much but I felt pretty out of it.

Sunday - woke up promising myself that I wouldn't drink, that my Mother's Day gift to myself and my family was for me to be sober. My sister poured the first glass of wine around 2:00 and asked me if I wanted any.  I didn't even hesitate and ended up drinking more than an entire bottle over the next 6 hours.  I was emotional more then once in the middle of conversations and I know I was loud. Finally at 9:30 pm everyone had gone home and I was falling asleep (passing out) on the couch,  I saw out of the corner of my eye, my 16 yo son, make that pretend gesture of drinking to my husband as if to ask, "Has mom had too much to drink?"  I lost it.....I got up, went upstairs leaving my whole house in shambles, literally tore my clothes of slamming every piece of clothing to the floor ( I was soooo pissed at myself), put my jammies on and went to bed without brushing my teeth or washing my face.  And then I began to sob.  My son came in and felt bad because he thought I was crying because of what he had done.  All I could say was, "I am fine, honey. This has nothing to do with you. I love you."  I ended Mother's Day with my 16 yo dear son trying to comfort his drunk mother. Not what I had had in mind.  That's being a great mom! I wake up at 1:15 and never got back to sleep. This is going to be a great day.

I hate you alcohol!  And I am not fine! And I hate myself