Wednesday, May 24, 2017

5/24/27 (Wed) Addiction is so weird

It is so weird to me that what is making me the most sick, is what I crave.  Last night after a horrible hangover this weekend that I still hadn't fully recovered from. Even though my stomach hurt, I was exhausted, bloated, depressed....the thought came into my head to just sit down and have a beer probably to forget how bad I was feeling.  How dumb it that?  Alcohol is what was making me sick but the thought came into my mind to use it to make me feel better.  It completely dumbfounds me how my brain can work that way. I wonder if it is like a heroine user who has to have their fix to feel better. They have to get that drug into their body bc they are so addicted to it.  They physically and mentally won't feel better until their drug has been reintroduced to their system. I watch Intervention and I just don't understand how they can't see how stupid it is. Am I doing the same thing? The only difference is that alcohol is a legal, advertised, socially accepted, almost expected, romanticized drug.
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Tuesday, May 23, 2017

5/22/17 (Mon) Dear addicted me

I really, really, really want to stay sober for 356 days. When those craving hit, I need to be able to ride them out and get through them.  When they hit, I am going to read this letter to myself to try to help ride them out.

Dear addicted me,

Remember how desperately badly you want to get off this roller coaster ride of alcohol induced high highs and alcohol caused low lows.  That will NEVER happen if you drink today.  If you drink today....nothing changes....nothing will EVER change. Even if you don't drink too much today and don't experience the debilitating suffering and self hate that comes with a hangover tomorrow, you will remain in your depressed, exhausted, anxious, obsessed, judgmental, oversensitive, grouchy, irritable, unmotivated, out of shape, overweight, loud, sarcastic, unhappy, disappointed. inpatient, stressed, selfish, trapped state of mind.

Remember you have tried and tried and tried and tried to control, manage, manipulate, rationalize, excuse, minimize, analyze your weekend binge drinking and you always, always, always eventually over do it. Maybe not today or next week but probably within the next month at most you will be right back where you were on May 21 (after drinking 15 drinks in 2 days) - on vacation, in bed, nauseous, stomach cramps, unable to get out of bed and enjoy your stay, your family, your trip - beating yourself up once again for your inability to control how much you drink. This is not the person you want to be.

Remember the quiet, calm, gentle, strong, rested, balanced, in shape, thin, confident, kind, peaceful, accepting, patient, nonjudgmental, flexible, happy person you know you can become. She is in there. Give her a chance.  It is time. Give it time. Give it 365 days. What can it hurt?

Remember the role model you want to be for your family. How you want to show them that you can do this and be happy. That there is another way to live and you found it. That you are strong enough to do this and live a happy, sober life. Remember the quiet, unassuming, non judgmental, beacon of light you want to be for all of our friends and family who drink too much. How you want to show them through example (not talking) that it is possible to find happiness without pouring alcohol down your throat.

Remember that you really, really, really want to be free from the mental, emotional, physical grip that this stupid drug has on you which will not happen if you drink today. Nothing will ever change if nothing changes.  If you drink today...nothing changes so nothing will change. You will never be able to control what alcohol does to your brain.

You can get through this day without drinking. The craving will pass.  Do something else - take a walk, read a book, eat something, watch stupid reality tv, take a nap, work out, anything besides drinking for the next 30 minutes.  It will pass - you know this - you quit drinking for 9 months and were a much happier version of yourself. You do not need alcohol to be happy. You do not need alcohol right in this moment to be happy. It is an illusion of happiness. It might relax you, make yo less uncomfortable around others, relieve your boredom, quiet those screaming voices in your head demanding alcohol...but it will not make you happy.

You deserve this...give it a chance...believe all of those people who keep reminding you that life is better without this stupid drug addiction.

It is is my time to become the person you know you can be. Do this for yourself. Love yourself enough to do this for you...not for anyone else...for you. Give yourself this gift. Just be patient and give it a chance.

It is your choice...drink and remain in this miserable place or don't drink and try something different.  It is only your fault if you drink - not the month, the time of year, the ending of a school year, the day of the week, the vacation, the party,  the sun, the friends, the neighbors, the traditions, what others think or say or feel - it is up to you to choose to stay in this prison and only you can choose to free yourself from it.

Please, please,  please, please do not drink today,  You will feel so much better tomorrow. You can do this. You are strong enough, you are good enough, you deserve it.

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Friday, May 19, 2017

5/19/17 (Fri) Chasing the buzz

Last night I think I truly understood this phrase.  I has a glass of wine...that wasn't doing it....had another...still wasn't working...was getting grumpy and tired....had my favorite IPA beer next...all of a sudden I got the buzz I had been chasing and I heard my voice inside my head say, "There you are...that's better." Then I had another.  It was kind of weird to hear myself say that to myself. Almost like I needed it. I needed to feel that buzz to have a good time. I really did feel like I was chasing something that I couldn't quite catch, and when I caught it it was such a relief - my whole insides just relaxed and I could hear myself say, "Yup, this is it. This is why I drink. This feels good." It was a little like an out of body experience.  If that's not addiction, I don't know what is.

That's a little scary...maybe a lot scary...

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

5/16/17 (Tues) Obsessed with alcohol

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I think I have kind of an OCD obsession with thinking about alcohol.  It takes up a majority of my brain space. I am either thinking about not drinking (researching, planning, reading, worrying, dealing wit fear of failure/boredom/unhappiness,  blogging), thinking about drinking (planning, when, where, how much, what kind, how to moderate, excitement of anticipation - kind of this hyper giddy feeling), drinking (hypo mania/socially hyper or zoning/checking out) or recovering from drinking (exhausted, irritable, anxious, depressed).

It is definitely interfering with my ability to be a productive person and get things done. I usually only drink on the weekends but I think about it, obsess over it, analyze it EVERY SINGLE DAY!  It's actually kind of ridiculous.  I feel trapped in this mental prison. I know the only way to unlock the door to free myself is abstinence. Even successful moderation will not take away the mental obsession.  I have reached a mental point where it is the only option. I truly do not believe I am physically addicted. Yes, my neurotransmitters have been damaged enough to be depressed, anxious, worried obsessive about it - maybe that really is a kind of physical addiction - my brain is a physical part of my body. And actually I do have horrendous hangovers (heart palpitations, insomnia, anxiety, exhaustion) for days after even just 4 drinks - so maybe that is also a form of physical addiction. I mean I don't drink most days of the week and I don't get the shakes or hallucinations. Who knows if I am physically addicted.

I am 100% sure I am mentally addicted/obsessed with all of it.I know that my obsession does cause anxiety which does lead me to compulsive/binge drinking which gives me relief in the moment which then causes more anxiety which feeds the obsession.

So why can't I make that final decision to stop and stick with it?

Sunday, May 14, 2017

5/14/17 (Sun) Mother's Day

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I was going back in my posts to previous Mays.  I ran across one post in May 2012

Today is Saturday of Memorial Day weekend, traditionally a pretty heavy drinking weekend - warm weather, 3 day weekend, school is almost out - YEAH!!!  So last night I had one beer in the sun - the whole reason I chose to start drinking again.  It was nice, but I felt a little guilty bc one of my neighbors who knew I quit drinking saw me drinking.  We went inside and my neighbor, yes that neighbor, asked if I wanted a glass of wine.  I said, "Sure, why not."  I only had one but it was probably more than one bc she uses fish bowls for wine glasses.  Then dh was starving so we went to dinner and I had one more beer.  We called it an early evening at 10:30 and I came home.  Not an epic failure, I never really felt too drunk, but today I am completely wiped out!  I am starting to wonder if my body can handle any type of alcohol consumption at all any more.  That amount of alcohol in the past would not have even fazed me!

So, 5 years later I am still out of shape, struggling, wondering if I can drink normally, successfully moderate, or quit for good and still be happy. Alcohol, 5 years later, is still my #1 obsession.  I know now, without a doubt, my body does not like to have alcohol put in it. I guess I need to decide if I am going to spend the next 5 years doing the same thing.  I know in my heart that if I don't just quit drinking and see if it makes me happy, I will be in this same spot 5 years from now.  I know this without any doubt at all.  Even if I can control my drinking for awhile, I always end up drinking to much (which anymore is just like 5 drinks), having a hangover, beating myself up, allowing myself the next week to recover which means not working out or being motivated in any other area of my life.  And then just doing the same thing the next weekend. Even if I only have that 5 nighter once a month, it still affects me the other three weeks of the month - physical, mentally, emotionally. 

I really want, on this last Mother's Day of my 40s, to give myself a gift - the gift of sobriety - the gift of figuring out who I am and what I want without alcohol in my life. To be good to myself, to care about myself, to put myself first in this area, to cherish my own life, happiness and sense of peace. To be strong enough to be able to do this. To believe all of you who tell me it is better. To be able to weather the cravings and the social situations and the summer vacations and other's judgement and my own judgement and the drama and negativity and self doubt and sensitivity - all without alcohol making me feel terrible about myself.  I want to eat better, sleep better, work out, take care of myself and be truly happy inside my own self.  I want to be at peace inside my own brain. 

I want to wake up smiling and joyful and well rested and ready to take on the day.  I want to spend my days productive and positive and unselfish and joyful I want to end the day peaceful with the feeling of accomplishment and proud of myself and grateful.

The thing stopping me is fear - fear of failure, fear of difficulty, fear of struggle, fear of boredom, fear of judgement, fear of feeling left out, fear of not being happy without it, fear of being different, fear of making others feel uncomfortable, fear of having to deal with difficult family situations without it, fear of not being fun anymore, fear of vacations sucking, fear of not enjoying sitting in the sun in the spring on a Friday after work, fear of never looking forward to the weekend, fear of never having a nice glass of wine with dinner again, fear of never going to breweries with my friends again, fear of never having fun anymore, fear of never feeling that buzzed, relaxed, social, having fun feeling again, fear of the sadness of loss or it in my life, fear of failure.

I now I need to do this, I know I want to do this, to give myself this gift on Mother's day but I am so scared.........I am so scared to once again make that commitment that I know I will fail.  I always fail. I know deep down that I can do this I am just so scared to try, to give it a chance. It gives me anxiety to think about it.  

I guess it is up to me - spend the next five years the same as the last five or be brave and try something different.

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Saturday, May 13, 2017

5/13/17 (Sat) Tired

I am so tired. I am actually socially exhausted.  I am starting to realize that the bopping around talking to everyone (had a neighborhood graduation party to attend last night) with  alcohol induced hyperness is exhausting. Maybe I am not as social as I think I am because it is draining me. I am really just sick of talking to anyone about anything. When I am socially hyper because of alcohol I can feel how my brain is just going a mile a minute, not slowing down, talking to anyone about anything as quickly and loudly as possible.  It hurts my brain to think about it.  It is certainly not a calm, relaxed, in control feeling. Last night I actually had the thought, while drinking, the only reason I am still here is so I can keep drinking. THE ONLY REASON. It't exhausting.

 I do not have a hangover today but just feel blah, tired, out of shape, unmotivated, a bit depressed. I didn't sleep well. I know how much better I would feel by not drinking.....I just need to do it.

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I have got to find something else to plug into other than alcohol which gives me energy for maybe 10 hours on the weekend but zaps it the other 158 hours of the week.