Thursday, July 20, 2017

7/20/17 (Thus) One month and no cravings and I drug myself through the day and drugged myself in the evenings

It is really strange that I haven't had any cravings and tomorrow will mark one month.  What is different? I think I might know.

All of the times I have tried to quit in the past, the cravings have been terrible.  Every Friday and Saturday I have just been "white knuckling" through with intense feelings of anger, resentment, loneliness, longing for a drink - sometimes to the point of a panic attack.  I would have decided to quit while going through the horrendous 4 days of withdrawals.  After the withdrawals had passed, I always second guessed my decision telling myself that I wasn't that bad and that I could try again - that I just needed to be more careful, diligent in my moderating.

Maybe the difference this time is that I didn't quit as a result of a terrible hangover. I was coming from a more rational place rather than an emotionally/physically painful place.

We went on vacation and I did get wasted on the trip there (to the point I barely remember going to the grocery store once we got there) but didn't drink more than 3-4 drinks on any of the following days. This is unheard of in my vacation playbook. I did have one day were I was sneaking, guzzling and a little embarrassed/worried about my behavior which also made me take a pause the next day (without a hangover) and really think about what I was doing and the choices I was making. But, overall, I drank far less than I have ever drank on vacation.

In Alaska, where it is so beautiful and calm, with my family I just couldn't feel happy ever - while drinking or while sober. I just kind of drug myself through the day and then drugged myself in the evenings.  I came to the realization, for the first time and on vacation no less, that the only reason I felt down, kind of blah, all day was because alcohol had just dulled me every hour of every day even without a hangover. I wasn't craving drinking during the day - I just felt kind of out of it. But, that all went away once I had a drink with dinner.

I realized that as soon as I had a glass of wine, I felt "normal" - talkative, happy, relaxed. And, since I was the only one drinking, I had kind of an out of body experience where I saw myself - how I was acting. It was really weird to realize that that one glass of wine just changed me completely. All of a sudden I felt back to normal - happy. Did I need a drug to feel happy?  And then, after I ordered the second glass, I just didn't want it anymore - I just felt so exhausted by the whole thing. I left half of the second glass sitting on the table (as well as a whole six pack of beer in the refrigerator when we left) which is unheard of for me on vacation. I usually have to drink every last drop before we leave bc vacation is a time of drinking without the rules or guilt.

i was thinking that there was something wrong with the fact that I was unhappy/blah while sober and only felt "normal/happy" while drinking but then had to suffer the repercussions of the drinking (hangover/feeling more blah).  I just realized, on a walk in the forest with my family, that this is really no way to live and that putting any amount of alcohol in my body was going to keep things exactly as they were.

I just realized I was sick of drinking.

I don't think I had ever come to this conclusion from a sober/rational place. I have always quit in the throws of a hangover and then changed my mind.

I hope it stays this easy.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

7/19/17 (Wed) - Unhappy because of alcohol or alcohol because unhappy?

I have been reading a lot lately that we drink because we are ultimately unhappy with our lives but too afraid to deal with it. That we are just covering our unhappiness with alcohol.

What if we are only really unhappy because of what we have done to our brains and bodies with the constant consumption of an addictive drug? What if we stop drinking, we are removing the thing that is making us unhappy?

When I think about the first scenario it scares me. I feel like when I finally get sober for an extended period of time, I am going to have to deal with some pretty nasty shit in my life.  That thought just makes me want to drink so I don't have to deal with it.

When I think about the second scenario, it makes me hopeful that I will have the life I desire when I stop doing the thing that is making me unhappy.

I'm going to choose option 2. For now, that is what will keep me from drinking.

7/19/17 (Wed) - Karma - Is it me?

Karma - What you put out into the world - you receive back.  I have always believed this and tried to be a good person, but the meditation today made me think about it differently.  In the past 7 years or so, I have noticed that people are treating me differently. I am not always the most popular teacher anymore, I am not always the most respected college anymore, my kids are a little more snippy with me, my husband isn't quite as attentive as he used to be, my friends don't always make sure I am invited to everything anymore, my extended family is a little less patient and a little more judgmental.....I have just been going under the assumption that it is just what happens as you get older - part of the aging process - people just have less respect for you and less desire to be around you.  That everyone else is just becoming grumpy and judgmental and critical of me. I have heard myself say, "I just hate people."

What if.....this is only a reflection of what I have been putting out there in the world.  What if I have become more critical, judgmental, irritable, impatient and less understanding of others.  What if I am just getting back what I am giving.  What if, because of my addiction and obsession with alcohol and the depression/anxiety/insecurity/exhaustion it has brought into my life, I have become a different person and therefore and being treated differently by others. What f I go back to the person I used to be before alcohol was consuming me? Can I change the way the I act in this world and therefore change the way the world responds to me?

Image result for karma what you give is what you get buddha

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

7/18/17 (Tues) Who am I?

I am listening to a free meditation for the next three weeks from Deepak Chopra and Oprah Winfrey. Today's meditation asks:

Who am I?

When I really listen to my inner voice, I want to be:

Patient, kind, responsible, available, soft-spoken, loving, listening, quiet confidence, non justifying, quietly focusing on myself but projecting my energy toward others, accepting, encouraging, quiet

I know she is in there.

Over the years I have become:

Impatient, type-A, irritable, selfish, driven, opinionated, dominating, insecure, complaining, always drawing attention to myself, egotistical, judgmental, gossipy, critical, loud

Image result for you are what your deepest desire is

Monday, July 17, 2017

7/17/17 (Mon) Attempt #13

At least I have never given up :)

Attempt #1 - 2011- 2012 (86 days)
12/26/11 Day 1 (Disastrous Christmas)
3/17/12   Day 86 - Drank a beer with neighbor (wanted to try moderation again)
4/2312    Weekend drinking - exhausted
5/6/12     Depressed, feel crappy
6/16/12   Life Sucks
6/17/12   Major Hangover

2012 (86 days longest sober)

Attempt #2 - 2012 - 2013 (255 days)
8/1/12   Day 1 (Family Vacation in Mountains) - Plan no drinking 8/1-10/31
4/13/13 Day 255 - Drank wine with ds at restaurant (bad craving)
4/21/13 - 11/12/13 - No posts
11/12/13 - Miserable - going to quit for 6 months
11/13, 12/13  Drinking

2013 (255 days longest sober)

Attempt #3 - 2014 (17 Days)
1/1/14 Day 1 - Pissed, done!, disastrous Christmas, fighting with dh, morning drinking
1/17/14 Day 17
1/18/17 Drank with sister - wine at a restaurant
1/27/14 - 4/2/14 No posts
4/2/14 Drinking increasing/cravings intensifying
4/3/14 - 8/7/14 No posts, drinking

Attempt #4 - 2014 (7 Days)
8/11/14 Day 1 - drank all summer. drank last 12 days on vacation (3-8 per day) confused/depressed
8/17/14 Day 7 - feeling better - different this time
8/17/14 - 1/3/15 No posts, drinking

2014 (17 days longest sober)

Attempt #5 - 2015 (64 Days)
1/3/15 - So lost - last 15 days 11 have been destructive (sneaking/guzzling/day drinking)
3/5/15 Day 64 - Drank
3/29/15 Feel like a failure - drinking every weekend
5/15, 6/15, 7/15, 8/15 - Miserable - drinking all summer
8/1/15 - Ordered Naltrexone

Attempt #6 - 2015 ( ?? Days)
9/28/15 - Done! 100 days
11/1/15 - Drinking (not sure how many days/not 100) a little better with Naltrexone
11/2/15 - 1/3/16  -No Posts, drinking

2015 (64 days longest sober)

Attempt #7 - 2016 (30 Days)
12/30/15 - Day 1 - Disastrous Christmas/Vegas trip  - Doing a 30 at least - Did complete a 30
1/ 301/16 (?) - Day 30 Drank
1/5/16 - 3/28/16 - No posts, drinking

Attempt #7 - 2016 (10 days)
3/28/16 - Drank 8 of 12 days, disastrous spring break, terrible hangover
3/31/16 - doing 30 days
4/10/16 - Day 10 - Drank

Attempt #8 - 2016 (4 days)
4/11/16 - Day 1 - Doing 30
4/16/17 - Day 5 - Drank
4/17, 5/17, 6/17 - Drinking

Attempt #8 - 2016 (30 days)
6/6/16 - Day 1
7/4/16 - Day 30  Drank
7/5/16-8/4/16 - No posts - drank 21 of 34 days

Attempt #9 - 2016 (14 days)
9/4/16 - Day 1
9/18/16 - Day 14 - drank
9/16, 10/16, 11/16, 12/16 Drinking (4 huge hangovers over winter break)

2016 (30 days longest sober)

Attempt #10 -2017 (20 days)
1/1/17 - Day 1 - not drinking for 1 year
1/21/17 - Day 20 - drank
1/17, 2/17, 3/17 - Drinking

Attempt #11 - 2017 (7 days)
4/17/17 - Day 1
4/24/17 - Day 7 - drank
5/17 - Drinking

Attempt #12 - 2017 (3 days)
6/1/17 - Day 1
6/4/17 - Drank

Final Attempt #13 - 2017
6/25/17 - Day 1

2017 (26 days sober so far)

Sunday, July 16, 2017

7/16/17 (Sun) - Drinking Dream

I had my first drinking dream last night. It was my birthday. I had been sober for a long time. We were in a bar. My fiends had already left to go find a table for food. The bartender gave me a huge shot of brandy wine (which is weird bc I have never even tasted it - it tasted more like lemon-cello). I didn't even think about it. I drank it in three big gulps.  I told myself that one shot would not make me drunk so I would just change my verbage. Instead of say I have been sober for the past months, I would just say I haven't been drunk for the past months.  I went to the bathroom and was in there forever - putting on huge amounts of makeup (apparently trying to cover my many scars and injuries to my face), trying to change my shirt bc it was on backwards and then I couldn't seem to get it snapped, dropping everything out of my purse on the bathroom floor, stumbling around unable to focus - I think I was instantly drunk in the bathroom from the one shot and it was horrible. - and then I woke up.

Reminding myself not to drink - even in my dreams :)

On another note - I was searching for a picture that would work this post and I found this:

Image result for drinking dreams

It says - perfect for shower drinking!  What is wrong with our society ????????????????

Saturday, July 15, 2017

7/15/17 (Sat) "Ya, right," says my sister.

So my sister came over for dinner without her bottle of wine - which she almost always brings for us. I asked her where her wine was. She said she didn't bring it. I said that I wanted her to still be able to drink around me and that it didn't bother me. She said, "Ya, right" like she thought I wasn't being honest. To prove it to her, I went to my garage, got a bottle of red, opened it, got two wine glasses, poured her a glass, poured root beet in mine, held up my glass and said "cheers" with a genuine smile on my face.  We ate dinner, played some poker and sat outside and I was perfectly happy with my root beer. And once again - I was able to stop at just one and I am not obsessing about that root beer this morning :)

I am extremely powerful over alcohol - I have the ability to physically not put it in my mouth and mentally not crave it.  I am glad to be done with it. Another hurdle accomplished and it wasn't even hard. I'm just gonna kick the shit out of alcohol!

Image result for zuberfizz root beer

This is a very good brew from a local brewery 👍