What's the point?

I have been struggling for quite some time with finding the point of everything.  You get up, get ready, go to work, come home, make dinner, go to bed...day after day after day.  On the weekends...clean the house, do the laundry, go to the grocery store, pay the bills...week after week after week.  What is the point?  Is this all there is to life?

I really don't think anything was really that different when I was drinking except I got together with friends on Friday and Saturday nights and drank.  It just gave me something to look forward to.  They are all still drinking on the weekend and it is just wither too hard for me or I get bored with being around them.

I don't know if it is a mid life crisis, empty nest (my kids aren't gone but often are gone doing there own thing), pouting about not being able to drink, I don't know...I just know I am incredibly bored and starting to get seriously depressed.

I know alcohol isn't the answer, but I can't figure out what is.

BTW - I didn't drink last night.

Confused

So I had those two glasses of wine last weekend and decdided that I was only going to drink on special occassions, so that I don't make everyone else feel uncomfortable when they are around me.  I really did enjoy the wine but I don't know why.  Maybe just because it satisfied my craving.  It really didn't make me feel all that buzzed or happy or anything.  It did make me feel included, not different, adult-like, maybe sohpistcated (to be able to sit there at a nice restaraunt with a glass of wine as opposed to my stupid grapefruit selzter).

Boy did I feel it that night, though.  Hot flashes all night.  Did not sleep well, so was tired on Sunday.  I did noticed that that spacey feeling that I hadn't had in so long was back on Monday and Tuesday at work.  I don't know what my deal is with alcohol, but my body seems to have a bad reaction to it.

So, of course, the flood gates had been opened.  My "mental real estate" was once again being taken over by thoughts of alcohol - happy because I could go on vacation and have a drink...I could go out ot dinner and have a drink,...I could sit in the sun and have a drink.....I could finally enjoy my weeneds again.  Yeah!  I am happy again!  I just need to keep it under control.  It is all about moderations and control.

Friday night rolls around. I don't want to drink.  I want to do something.  Can't sit in the sun with my friends..will want to drink.  I could go to the mall with my daughter - she is going out with her boyfriend. I could do something with my son - he is going to the mountains with his cousin.  my husband is at work for 3 more hours.  It is 4:30 on a Friday and I am alone and BORED!  I know I will have a beer - in this smug sort of - I am an adult, I can do what I want, I am fine - attitude.  Without another thought, I was sitting on my couch with a beer.  Was this a special occasion?  Hell no!  I only had one but I still just sat there getting more and more tired.  So tired that all I ate for dinner was a bowl of cereal.  Then I went to bed - wow that was exciting!

I am really confused.  If I am drinking to fight boredom, it just made me more bored yesterday.  Why can I just not be a totally happy, at peace sober person?

What does alcohol do for me that makes it so hard to give up?

Keeping it real

Well, I had been sober for 255 days yesterday.  The last time I posted I was my birthday in January.  Since then, things had been going pretty well, except my lack of energy.  I had been sober for 8 and a half months and I just could not seem to get my energy back.  I couldn't get to the gym, I couldn't get things checked of my to do list on the weekends...I just had no drive, no purpose, no energy at all.

With alcohol I was doing pretty good.  I even went to a couple of socials events, didn't drink and still had fun.  Everyone was so proud of my, and I was proud of myself, but just felt lifeless.

I have come to realize that it isn't necessarily the "buzz"  that I miss so much...i don't really miss feeling a little out of it and not 100% present which I have really enjoyed this last 255 days. It is the anticipation of the environment of the "buzz."  I used to live for the weekends.  I would look so forward to doing things and being social.  It almost gave me energy.  I know I was probably just looking forward to feeding my addiction, but I really have not missed that "buzzed" feeling.  I really do miss looking forward to something.  Everything just seems so boring and drab and lifeless.

I have been overall much happier with my own sense of well being these last few months, but have also sort of slipped into this depressed boredom.

Last night we went to dinner with my sister and her boyfriend.  We have all had our differences in the past and I was so looking forward to this "rekindling" of our relationship.  We got there and she was having a glass of red wine, and I found myself literally overcome with jealously and anxiety.  I couldn't even carry on a conversation.  It just hit me out of the blue.  I could tell they were uncomfortable with the fact that I wasn't drinking.  I was uncomfortable.  I so desperately don't want it to be like that.  I look around the really nice steak restaurant and see all the table enjoying a glass of wine and I suddenly get pissed off.  I want to have a glass of wine dammit!  I want to sit here, have a nice adult dinner with my sister and enjoy a glass of wine, dammit!  I couldn't even focus!  It was crazy!  Before you knew it, I had ordered and was enjoying a glass of red wine.

I don't know how I feel about it.  On the one hand I slept like crap...I had hot flashes all night. That hasn't happened in about 7 months so I know it was the alcohol and I am more tired than usual today.  I know that I feel much better when I don't drink, but I am not emotionally beating myself up.  i promised myself last night that I wouldn't do that if I chose to have a glass of wine.  I am a little disappointed that I didn't make it a year and am not sure if I will drink again.

On the other hand it I know that I can have a glass of wine once in a while, I sure am looking a lot more to summer and the vacations we have planned.

I am sorry to let you guys down, but "it is what it is" as they say and I always promised to keep it truthful in my blog.

45 today!

I have been sober 172 days and I feel fantastic!  

It has been a struggle these last few months but it has been worth it.  I am slowly getting through many first - first Halloween, first Thanksgiving, first Christmas Eve, first Christmas Day, first real New Year's Eve (last year didn't really count since I was angry and depressed and stayed in bed LOL! This year we actually went out to dinner and a movie with family and friends. They drank and I didn't and I HAD FUN!!!! Can you believe it!  I would have never believed it 5 months ago.) First decorating Christmas cookies, first playing cards with family, first trip out of town with nothing to drink, first ski day in the sun at lunch with no beer, first time at The Melting Pot (one of our favorite fondue restaurants we go to for special occasions) with no wine and STILL ENJOYED MYSELF!!!

I would drink too much 2-3 times a month on the weekends and totally beat myself up until there was nothing left of my self esteem.  There was nothing of me left, except how I related to myself in regards to alcohol - waiting for the weekend, counting the drinks, watching the clock, drinking my water, eating, planning, counting, being proud/being angry, being excited/being depressed, looking forward to things (that involved alcohol)/dreading things that didn't, planning parties, having anxiety attacks at 4:00 am, blaming all of my withdrawals on other things, crying in the shower, not keeping commitments, being ashamed of myself, not sleeping well, gaining weight, not going to the gym, wasting TOO MANY Sundays with a hangover, being too sensitive, not having true conversations with people, being the life of the party, worrying too much about EVERYTHING, not remembering things, always needing to be heard, being worried about the example I was setting for my teenage kids, feeling like I wasn't the best I could be, being loud, feeling out of balance, the need to always feel included, always struggling with my inner obsession with alcohol, researching, reading, blogging, charting, counting, analyzing, web surfing, spinning on the endless hamster wheel, ENOUGH!!!!!!!

I am 45 years old today and I choose to no longer let a stupid drug control me mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally!  I have spent far to many years with alcohol by my side - the first 10 with an alcoholic father, 10 years partying and loving it, 10 years watching and noticing and not liking it as much and 10 years absolutely in misery!  Not the in jail, losing your job, losing your family kind of misery. I am a well adjusted, well educated professional with a mortgage and a family.  Most people don't even know why I quit (the ones closest to me do). The kind of misery that is a silent prison that only you know about - the secret demon that eats your soul up little by little year by year while you are trying so hard to find a way to control it because you just can't come to terms with the fact that you CAN'T DRINK LIKE OTHER PEOPLE! I can't drink like other people and I can't change that.

The thought of quitting is terrifying! How will I ever have fun ever again in my life if I can't drink?  How is everything just not going to suck? I had tried and tried and tried and I always got back to drinking too much and having hangovers.  The harder I tried to control it, ironically, the stronger it got! It doesn't matter that I wasn't as bad as so and so or I hadn't had this or that happen or lost this or that - I WASN'T HAPPY! I was exhausted! I GIVE UP! I will no longer fight to control something I have can no longer control.  Do I sometimes think it sounds terrible to never drink again? Yes! Is the few hours of drinking worth a lifetime of misery the rest of the time? No! Do I think about my summer plans? No, to scary. Do I try to do the best I can today and be the best person I can today? Yes.

45 is going represent freedom for me.  My fog is slowly lifting and I am beginning to see all of the joy, peace, love and happiness life can hold without the shackles of a drug and I am grateful.

Been awhile

I didn't realize I hadn't posted since Dec 30.  What has happened since then?
New Year's Eve - tried something different this year.  Last year I spent in bed feeling sorry for myself, having a panic attack because I didn't want to drink.  The 25 years before that I drank myself silly and felt like crap the next day.  This was my day - the day everyone else was drinking as much as me and I could drink as much as I wanted.  A couple of times I was even throwing up and in bed by 10:00 and the party was at my house!

This year, to try something different, we went to dinner with my sister, her kids, and some friends.  They all drank and I didn't.  It really wasn't a problem because the situation was different.  It probably would have been harder at a party.  After, we went and saw The Hobbit.  It was great and I didn't have to be terrified of my alcohol level still being be too high if I got pulled over.  We came home, watched the ball drop and went to bed. New Year's Day was spent walking the dogs, making a nice dinner, and playing games instead of nursing a hangover pretending nothing was wrong for my kids.

My dd turned 18 and we went skiing for a couple days.  A couple of times were hard on this trip.  One was when we first got to the hotel. I ALWAYS used to pop one open as soon as we walked in the door.  I would even subconsciously delay our arrival so that is wasn't too early for me to drink.  Our "vacation" seemed a little less celebratory, and I was a little mad but I opened a seltzer and got through it.  We went out to dinner and I really wanted something with my husband but didn't. I used to love a cold beer in the sun during lunch while skiing.  Did I say I loved it? I absolutely loved it.  THAT was hard.  It was a beautiful day, we were staying that night so we didn't have to drive - perfect! We sat in the sun as the ski resort after an amazing morning, eating my delicious bowl of chicken chili with chalulas, peppers and cheese, sipping on my ............ Life Water! I did it! I took my first little vacation with no alcohol!  I have NEVER EVER done that - since I was like 18! I was almost afraid to try to do it but I figured it was just me, dh and the kids - this would be any easier "first" than with family or friends.

170 days today!

Was this me all along?

Tonight we went to my sister's house and played cards.  We hadn't done that in a long time and not since I stopped drinking.  OMG - I had a fantastic time! Others were drinking and I was not.  I was silly, a little loud, laughed a ton, was kind of a goofball and I WAS SOBER!!  If I would have been drinking, I would have been worried when we left (or at 3 AM when I woke up in an anxiety attack) about what everyone else was thinking, worried I looked like an idiot, worried if anyone had noticed how much I drank and probably felt crappy tomorrow.  Now,  I left thinking, "Wow maybe I really am a fun, goofy person that can make people laugh even without the alcohol!"  I had no regrets, no wondering, no guilt and I will feel great tomorrow.  My dear son said I acted the same as when I was drinking except my eyes didn't look funny and I didn't sound different (slurring).  My family even joked that I better lay off the seltzer water!  Being sober ROCKS!

Today, at this moment in time

I wrote this to the mmabsers list I am part of in response to the question - What had helped me...

It is so funny how all of us speak the exact same language.  Over and over and over I have read someone else's story and it could have been my own.  I am a teacher, have a house, a masters degree, a husband, two teenage children, tons of friends, work out, do yoga and also live in a micro brew town with a neighborhood full of "brewers." I have struggled for so long. I have had some success followed by epic failure.  All the while having my whole emotional state and mental energy being wrapped up in how much I did or didn't drink or if I was going to drink or how much or what tools I would use.  It was five days of exhausting for a few hours of fun on the weekend. 

I totally get your fear.  I still have it when thinking about the summer.  How am I ever going to go to the all inclusive vacation spot in Punta Cana without drinking?  That is unheard of! Free beer!  All day!  and not drink? That just seems like a waste of money and a terrible vacation!  That is what my addiction is screaming at me, even now when I feel I am doing so positive.

What helped me - you ask?  I think 3 things really helped me. 

1.  This list full of abstainer who really were happy.  Who were just like me - let me repeat LUST LIKE ME - at one time and now are really happy without alcohol.  I had to realize that I am not special in this addiction. I am not able to beat it, I am not stronger than everyone here.  That it really isn't about fighting and being strong - that it is more about giving up, giving in, stopping the fight, realizing that you never really will win against addiction.  It is stronger than me if I give it any power are all.  It's all or nothing.  Maybe not right away, but eventually all or nothing and usually worse.  Kind of like the yo-yo dieter.  Loose 10, gain 20 back.  (By the way I have gone from 133 pound to 120 pounds in 150 days and the only thing I have changed is I quit drinking!) I drank and loved it for 15 years, tried to moderate for 5 and was completely miserable for the last five - living in my own little personal hell.  

2.  I read the Alan Carr book - Easyway to Quit Drinking.  The book really did put things into perspective for me me.  It is just a stupid drug and I am pathetically addicted to it.  It made me feel like I am really no better than someone addicted to heroine.  I would plan parties, come up with excuses just to drink and was miserable when I couldn't have a few on the weekends.  I would put my partying before everyone and everything.  In retrospect it really was very selfish of me.  I was so wrapped up in feeding my addiction that I only hung out with people that would party with me and not judge me. Many of my relationships suffered.  The book is just a black and white explanation of a drug and how you get addicted to it.  It also talks about how alcohol is the only drug that society not only accepts but makes you feel like an outsider if you don't do it.  It's all just so ridiculous.  It really did give me something new to think about.

3.  The pain, suffering and misery of drinking was finally just becoming bigger than the enjoyment I got out of it on the couple of evenings a week I did spend drinking.  My weeks would go like this.  Friday - drink with my friends, have fun, sit in the sun, usually not drink too much (maybe 3 or 4), wake up Saturday a little tired but ok then plan my drinking all day, anxiously wait until 5, create some kind of reason (hanging out with friends, making dinner, putting away groceries (yeah I know stupid excuse), going out to dinner, and then drink - usually too much which for me was enough to have a hangover on Sunday. I would get really upset if I had to go to a family event or go pick up  my kids later because I would have to watch how much I drank.  The parties were usually at my house so I didn't have to drive.   Sunday - be worthless not just physically, but emotionally, mentally, spiritually - usually told my family I had a headache or stomach ache - my kids really never did know it was a hangover (they have told me that now). Monday and Tuesday - exhausted (really just withdrawals but didn't recognize that for a long time) - promising next weekend I would take care of myself and do better.  Wednesday - finally feeling better - still pretty sure I would be more careful next weekend, but starting to think about it.  Thursday and Friday - gearing up for the weekend and having a few drinks.  A time to relax, have fun, be with my friends.....It took me a long time - years - to recognize that pattern and how miserable it was making me when I wasn't doing it. Plus - my stop button was getting harder and harder to find. The more I tried to manage my addiction, the harder it fought back. I would win small battles for weeks or months at a time, but I was ultimately losing the war.  I would eventually be that alcoholic that I tried so long to deny if I kept on this path.  Either that or I would have the ultimate nightmare of an accident and dui caused by the poor judgment that alcohol brings. BTW - I am really sorry to hear about your dui - that was actually my biggest fear, because it somehow would have exposed my personal nightmare to the world before I was ready to admit it. 

I know that this was long (maybe more therapeutic for me than helpful to you) and I am by far no expert.  150 days is something to celebrate but certainly does not not mean I am "cured".  I need to be vigilant and stay the course one day at a time (and yes, I am finally starting to understand the meaning of that phrase). in fact last Friday I was just a second away from giving in.  I had that biggest urge at a restaurant we go to that has excellent micro beers, a fantastic menu and a really fun atmosphere. I don't think I have ever been there without drinking.  Perfect place to drink a few, go see a movie and then be ok to drive home :) It is connected to a mall and we were Christmas shopping afterward.  I want a beer sooooooooo bad and I almost, almost gave in.  I was 30 seconds away of being ok, ready to try again, strong enough to manage my intake, having fun, being like everyone else, being that normal drinker I so desperately wanted to be....but I didn't. Everyone else drank, but I did not.  That night I went to bed and tried to pretend that I had and how I would feel.  I would have been so upset at myself, I almost felt like crying just imagining it. Then I felt really proud of myself that I didn't.  All of the many small successes like this are making me finally feel the peace that comes without a stupid drug in my system.  That night I had many dreams about drinking and they were all fun!  Man this addiction is insidious and persistent!