Thursday, April 28, 2016

4/28/16 (Mon) Drank/Huge trigger - family drama

My sister and I have had a falling out.  It has been coming for years and has happened off and on many times.  Six months ago it got bad.  She just stopped talking to me...nothing...even started with the whole mean girl stuff towards me which I have been dealing with from her since high school.  For God's sakes we are both in out forties!  It is just ridiculous!  I have ALWAYS been the peace maker in the past. Sometimes I have done it for my mom.  Sometimes to be a good role model for my kids. Sometimes because I don't want people to see me in a bad light.  Sometimes just because the conflict kills me - very much like my conflict with alcohol.  I obsess over it. I think about it all day and night, I cry, I yell, I talk to other people about it constantly, I type huge texts and then just never send them.  It is bad.  With this sister (I have 2) every time I would go to her to work it out (even when I didn't start it) her response was - I'm sorry you felt that way.  It wasn't my intention.  We just have different perceptions of things.  Maybe that is true, but I don't feel like she ever truly apologizes for her actions.  She never says just a  "I'm sorry" EVER!  She know that it all drives me crazy. She just sits and waits for me to make a move and then just acts like it was all my fault because of the way I perceived the situation.  Some of these incidences even involve disrespecting me as a mom and sister by allowing my kids to do things while around her that she knows I would disapprove of just to be the cool aunt.  Or I say one thing wrong and that's it! She doesn't talk to me, she just shuts off all communication.  Then after enough time has passed and I finally go to her, she can water down how ridiculous she acted in the first place and just talk about my perceptions.  It is all so stupid!   Even my kids (who I have tried so hard to keep them out of the drama) are upset with her because she also stopped speaking to them and bc of the way she is treating me.

This scenario has played out at least 20 times in our adult life.  Well, this last time was kind of a final straw.  After six months of her not speaking to me (for I have no idea what), heartache, sobbing, talking, yelling, lamenting, typing at least 20 unsent texts the size of novels. fighting with my mom about it (bc she ALWAYS takes her side to the point that my mom and I barely even have a relationship any more) I AM DONE!  I can no longer allow her to have this kind of control over my emotional well being.  Judging by her behavior, I don't think it really even bothers her that much and I am dying over it.  It has taken me probably about 4 weeks to come to the realization that she will not be in my life and that I will be ok with that.  She doesn't deserve to be (sister or not).  She will is not a nice person and not someone I would ever be friends with if she weren't related to me.  He presence in my life it just too toxic.  FINALLY I got to a place where I am ok with that.

Well.....yesterday she texted me an apology.  What the hell am I supposed to do with that?  I'll tell you what I did...I drank - damnit!  I just got so worked up and wanted to talk to my other sister and husband about it, that I opened a beer and continued to talk about it for two hours and drink 3 beers. Afterward, I felt emotionally spent!  What the hell just happened?  I felt like the Tasmanian devil, completely out of my mind, not even 100% processing that I kept drinking and just swirling around in this cesspool of emotional family bullshit.  Well, I just figured out that is a HUGE trigger for me.  I don't know what I am going to do about my sister ( I haven't texted her back), but I do know I need some different coping strategies in the future when it comes to family drama.  I 100% know that drinking is not the answer and that I will handle things much better when I am sober.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

4/26/16 (Tues) I so want things to be different this May

I posted this last May 16, 2015.  It is SO STUPID to me that things are still the same. Same behavior, same obsession, same disappointment.

I have noticed that when I drink I am becoming more agitated, critical, loud and negative than I ever used to.  I used to be the fun, no drama, party girl.  I have turned into the finger wagging, fist pounding, yelling person (bitch!).  I do not like that side of myself.

All I can do is be the best person I can be to all of the people in my life. 

I do not for 100% fact that I cannot become that person when I drink - even moderately on the weekends.  Even when I drink moderately, I lose that sense of calm and peace inside of myself - maybe because even when 
successfully moderating I am still mentally obsessing.

I posted this last May 11, 2015.  Same bullshit, different year.  This needs to end!

SO many promises I broke to myself this weekend.

Friday - drank one beer with dinner - told myself that morning I wasn't going to drink -
came home and drank 3 more glasses of wine by myself - no one was home - told myself that I wouldn't drink alone

Saturday - drank a beer before we went out - told myself I wouldn't pre drink anymore.
drank two more glasses of wine with dinner and went to see a movie.  Didn't drink any more but when the movies went out twice due to a snow storm, I was desperately wishing we had gone to the theatre that lets you drink.  I would have definitely gone and gotten 2 more drinks.  I was really craving more alcohol at that point even though both my kids were like, "How much has mom drank?" It wasn't that much but I felt pretty out of it.

Sunday - woke up promising myself that I wouldn't drink, that my Mother's Day gift to myself and my family was for me to be sober. My sister poured the first glass of wine around 2:00 and asked me if I wanted any.  I didn't even hesitate and ended up drinking more than an entire bottle over the next 6 hours.  I was emotional more then once in the middle of conversations and I know I was loud. Finally at 9:30 pm everyone had gone home and I was falling asleep (passing out) on the couch,  I saw out of the corner of my eye, my 16 yo son, make that pretend gesture of drinking to my husband as if to ask, "Has mom had too much to drink?"  I lost it.....I got up, went upstairs leaving my whole house in shambles, literally tore my clothes of slamming every piece of clothing to the floor ( I was soooo pissed at myself), put my jammies on and went to bed without brushing my teeth or washing my face.  And then I began to sob.  My son came in and felt bad because he thought I was crying because of what he had done.  All I could say was, "I am fine, honey. This has nothing to do with you. I love you."  I ended Mother's Day with my 16 yo dear son trying to comfort his drunk mother. Not what I had had in mind.  That's being a great mom! I wake up at 1:15 and never got back to sleep. This is going to be a great day.

I hate you alcohol!  And I am not fine! And I hate myself

Monday, April 25, 2016

4/25/16 (Mon) What am I doing wrong?

Once again - another tired, depressed Monday.  Try, try, try, try again.  I am not going to drink this weekend.  How did drinking help my weekend? What did I do Friday or Saturday that I couldn't have done without a drink? Nothing. I would have still sat in the sun (maybe even walked the dogs instead) and I would have still gone out to dinner Friday just without a drink. My Saturday would have been the same except I wouldn't have had any wine with my sister that evening.  Everything would have been the same except for the little fight that we all got in to.  I certainly could have lived without that drama.  Sunday would have been way better as I spent the whole day on the couch (again) exhausted, bloated, anxious, depressed.  Now I am starting Monday behind on my household chores and still feeling bloated and tired to start my week.

I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.  And the most stupid part of all of it is - it is self induced and is something I can absolutely change.  I just need to change my mind.

When is the feeling of being sick and tired going to out weigh the feelings of wanting to drink on the weekends?

Why can't I just remember how crappy I feel all the time on a Friday or Saturday night?

Why am I not strong enough to conquer this?

What am I doing wrong?

Sunday, April 24, 2016

4/24/16 (Sun) 9 this weekend/I have only failed if I have given up

I so do not want to post this.  When I have all these grandiose plans of sobriety and then drink, I don't want to talk about it.  It's almost like I put on some blinders and choose not to look at it or deal with it.

I am going to deal with it, learn from it and move forward.

Here is my last 3 weekends - justifications (aka BS reasons) included:

Friday, April 8 - 0

Saturday, April 9 - 3
(3 beers - got super loud and mouthy at a neighbors house which I regretted the next day - announced to everyone I was having a dry April starting April 10)

Friday, April 15 - 0

Saturday, April 16 - 3
(sister came over for dinner and shared a bottle of wine - that's all - thought to myself, "Awesome - that's what I want - to be able to moderate)

Friday, April 22 - 2
(one light beer when I got home from work - it had been a really stressful, rough, crazy day and the sun was shining and one glass of red wine with dinner - went out and thought to myself, "I've got this. I can do this")

Saturday, April 23 - 4
(sister came over for dinner with bottle of wine -  thought to myself,  "Worked out fine last weekend - I think I can successfully moderate" -  this time she went out to get another bottle (didn't drive) and I certainly didn't stop her bc truthfully I also wanted more)

We all played a game and got into an argument/misunderstanding. Everything was ok in the end and I know there would have been conflict without drinking but I am 100% certain that alcohol made it worse.  I also know that if we would have had the argument, we would have finished that second bottle. So stupid.

So that is like 10 drinks in 3 weeks. By past standards, that would have been so good.  I would have been pretty proud on myself. No hangovers and have been sleeping pretty good which has always been my yardstick of judging my moderation.

It is not lost on me that the numbers have  increased with each weekend and that staying on this course WILL, without a doubt, end in a hellacious, depressing hangover that will put me right back in the dame place I am so desperately trying to avoid.

Something is shifting, however, in my thinking.  I want more.  I want more than just "going through the motions" of living.  I want to have a a role model...feel alive and vibrant every day...wake up with a smile on my face (which doesn't start happening until I am at least a month sober - it doesn't even happen when I am successfully moderating). Maybe, somewhere deep in my soul, I know that successful moderation isn't truly what I want.  I just wish everyone in the world would stop drinking and that it would be stigmatized like cigarettes are now - that it would stop being so accepted, romanticized and promoted. I wish sobriety was the "norm".

In the past, successful moderation would have been what I called success.  Now I'm not so sure.  I feel like I want to be that shining beacon of light in my own life and for everyone else to see that demonstrates a different way to live other than just surviving in a day to day humdrum sort of existence.  I know that even with successful moderation, I will still feel tired, unmotivated, out of shape, sluggish, depressed and anxious....sick.  The only was I will truly be living me true, authentic life is to stop drinking - even moderately.

I am never going to feel 100% mentally, physically, emotionally or spiritually when I am putting even a small amount of poison in my body.

I used to be inspired by people who could successfully moderate.  I am still jealous of those people, but they don't inspire me anymore.  I feel inspiration when I read about people who are so happy in sobriety - have found a new peace and joy out of life they would have never found while drinking and never want to go back.

The lyrics to Rolling in the Deep by Adele are in my head right now.

"There's a fire burning in my heart
reaching a fever pitch
and it's bringing me out the dark"

I'm not giving up and will continue fighting

Saturday, April 16, 2016

4/16/16 (Sat) Drank and I know why the want me to drink

I have thought a lot about my own answer to the question in my last post. My kids don't care if I drink or not.  They would probably not want me to drink at all if they thought I could be happy at that.  They haven't ever seen that on the weekends.  During the months (one then four then one then nine then one) I am usually isolated and a "sad sack" - kinda depressed that I can't drink or I am a mess bc I am white knuckling it.  They have also seen me repeatedly beat myself up for drinking too much. They know that depressed, anxious mom all too well.

The mom they know and like and is pleasant to be around is the one that is successfully moderating, which I do quite well most of the time.  I think that may be why they want me to be able to drink and handle it.  The problem, I have learned through experience, is that it is really difficult for me to maintain moderation.  Always, always, always I go back to drinking too much one or two weekends a month.  I used to be OK with that.  I would have a couple of hangovers a month, sleep it off for a day and be fine. Now, those one or two hangovers are just detrimental to my health - mentally, physically and spiritually.  It takes me days to recover and just sucks the life out of me in general all the time.  

It might be time for them to get to know a new mom - calm, happy, confident, motivated, inspirational, even keel. I am 100% confident that when they see this mom, it will be their preference.

I just need to shut out all the other "noise" aks reasons to drink and do what is best for ME.  It is best for me to not drink.

Friday, April 15, 2016

4/15/16 (Fri) Why in the world would they want me to drink? I don't understand it....

One time I was really sick with the flu - for 4 days I was in bed and my sisters and mom didn't seem to give two shits about me. I was extremely hurt and confused.  Around a year later, I talked to my sister about why no one seemed to care.  She said, "Oh, we just thought you had drank too much and were in one of your depressed moods."  I couldn't believe it! How had they known that had been the case on many occasions before? When I would have a particularly bad hangover and would isolate, I would just tell everyone I didn't feel good, had a headache, etc.  I guess it was a case of crying wolf, bc the one time I really was sick, they didn't believe me.  It was very concerning to me that they thought that way about me and that I wasn't hiding it as well as I thought I was.  It kind of blew my mind and became a reality check for me.

Ever since my kids became teenagers I have been really honest with them about my struggles.  They see it...they were getting too old to believe that, "Mom doesn't feel good (again) and stayed in bed most of the day because she was getting the flu." "Or mom got really loud and crazy last night just bc she is a fun person."

Somehow I felt that if I shared my struggles an all areas - perfectionism, anxiety, alcohol - it could help them recognize traits in themselves.  I feel it has really helped my 21 yo old daughter.  She went through 2 years of binge drinking - and I mean shots of vodka just to get drunk. I didn't know she was doing it for awhile. When I found out, I grounded her for an entire summer for lying to me.  My intention was that she would not rejoin that group of friends.  While she was grounded, we talked a lot about my path since I had been her age and how I started out just like her - social anxiety, drinking all the time to fit in, finally pissed if I couldn't drink on a weekends.  I filled her head with all of my research on addiction, how it changes your brain and what alcohol does to your body and mind. How it makes the anxiety worse.  How it contributed to fighting with your boyfriend.  How it is all just so stupid. (I felt like an addiction counselor - I seemed to be getting through to her better than I was getting through to myself). I wanted her to understand that she is my daughter and that both her father and I have addiction in out families.  She can be different. She doesn't have to go down that path. She can break the cycle.  She does still struggle with perfectionism, some OCD and anxiety but she doesn't drink.  She is 21 and has chosen sobriety. She told me she wouldn't have gotten to this place without me.  I am so very proud of her. She is actually an inspiration to me and I tell her all the time.

My 17 yo old son has never nor ever wants to drink.  Who knows if that will change, but he is very analytical and just sees it as a stupid drug and doesn't get it.

Sooo.... my question....when I might say to my kids, "I am not drinking for a month."  We make plans to go to a nice dinner and they know I want a glass of wine but don't want to drink, they will say things like, "Mom, you are fine. You aren't as bad as you think you are. It's just your latest obsession. You have been doing really well lately.  One glass of wine won't hurt.  Have a good time, just don't over do it."

Why in the world would they want me to drink?  I don't understand it....

Thursday, April 14, 2016

4/4/16 (Thurs) Drinking Dream Last Night

I was a the grocery store and bought a bottle of red wine.  After I paid for my groceries, I went the bathroom (in the store) with the bottle f wine.  I opened it, took three big swigs, put the cap back on, left the bathroom and put the bottle back in my cart.

I think my addiction might be calling to me....well you can just go *&$# off!  I am not drinking this weekend!

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

4/12/16 (Tues) Alcohol Induced Hypomania

Does anyone have any knowledge on this subject?  I am almost postive this applies to me.  I think I may also have alcohol induced Bipolar ll. Here is why:

When I drink I show all of the signs of hypomania.

The symptoms of hypomania include the following:
  • an inflated self-esteem or grandiosity
  • an inflated sense of well-being
  • a decreased need for sleep
  • increased talking
  • racing thoughts
  • increased activity
  • increased pleasure-seeking
I get SO loud and hyper when I drink. I get like annoyingly loud.  I talk incessantly. I feel like what I have to say is more important than what everyone else says.  I interrupt and talk over people. I talk about things I shouldn't. When I was in high school, we would drink and I was the one that wanted to skip through the streets (literally) looking for a swing set because "I love swinging!!!" I would say. Then, "Lets's go to Little Ceasars for Cheeezy Bread!"  I would suggest roller skating, bowling, 4 wheel driving in the mountains, cow tipping, whatever - just something hyper and active.  Man -I thought I was the shit! 

I've gotten better about the crazy "doing" stuff but my mouth has gotten worse.  I feel like all that alcohol induced "mania" now has to exit my body through my mouth.  I am a serious loud mouth when I drink and it is embarrassing.  I don't get belligerent or fight with people. I just dominate all conversations. If I can't dominate a conversation or people aren't listening, I find another conversation to join. When drinking, I still think I am the shit.  The difference now is that the next day I know I am a piece of shit instead lol.  Now I can actually see through my own bullshit.

I also believe alcohol induces the depressed side for the next 3 to 4 days when I feel down, depressed, exhausted, unmotivated, blah.  I have been trying to find information on this subject but mostly what I find is articles talking about dual diagnosis.  People who have these disorders tend to have substance issues.  I truly believe that I have this disorder but that it is 100% caused by alcohol - not the other way around.  When I did not drink that 9 months, almost all of it went away.  The only thing I did still struggle with was depression and that was only on Friday and Saturday nights when I couldn't drink - so still alcohol induced.  The rest of the week I felt much more "even".  Not the super high highs but also not the super low lows - just even - just normal I guess.  It has never been my normal, but maybe that is what normal is.

I chose the above picture because when I get super hyped up everything seems like it is moving so fast (including my mouth) that it is all just a blur.

Anyone have any experience with this? or any articles that talk about it?

Monday, April 11, 2016

4/11/16 (Mon) Drank - 30 Days at Least

After all of that writing and thinking and pondering and analyzing and problem solving and list making and convincing....I drank Saturday!!!!! I am so stupid.   I was going to abstain all of April.  I have except for twice.  Here were my excuses both times.  Two Saturdays ago we went out to dinner with my sister at a nice restaurant - big trigger for wine btw!  I told myself that I had drank so many weekends during February and March (after abstaining in January) bc I wasn't taking my naltrexone. So I was going to try it (taking the 1/4 pill an hour before and then allowing myself 2 (max 3) drinks. I had used it before Christmas and it really was helping.  Well if you remember, I had 1 beer and 2 glasses of wine and felt like hell the next day. Couldn't seep all night and was exhausted Sunday swearing I was taking a break (it pisses me off, btw, that I feel this bad after only 3 drinks!!!!). Well, this last Saturday I talked myself into drinking by saying, "Maybe it was the wine. Maybe it would be different with beer."  So I drank 3 beers (one light and 2 IPA 8%).  Well, guess what? I slept 3 whole hours of the 7 I was in bed (anxious, heart racing, sweating) and felt like shit yesterday - after 3 beers!!!!  I wasted another weekend day sitting on the couch and am waking up on one more Monday feeling tired.  The pill did help me stop at 3 both times.  I would have, without a doubt, cracked open another one when I got home without the pill but I think it makes me feel worse the next day.  This is all just so stupid.  It is a drug!!! I don't need to do drugs!!!!

I declared to my family yesterday - 30 days of no drinking!  I do much better when I declare it out loud to people.  I feel more accountable. I am just going to to not even give myself a chance to think about it or change my mind for 30 days.  It is off the table as even an option.  I am going to give my brain and body a break.  I am going to eat well, sleep a lot, work out, drink a lot of water, go back to yoga and most importantly - keep blogging.  When I stop blogging, I stop thinning I have a problem and then I drink.

Day 2 of ???? (at least 30)

Friday, April 8, 2016

4/8/16 (Fri) Day by day or forever?

Opinions please...

Which is the better mindset to have when contemplating quitting.... I won't drink today? this weekend? for a month? for 100 days? forever?

My brain goes back and forth constantly.  For me forever is so scary, but day by day seems to give me an excuse to drink. Does that make sense?

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

4/6/16 (Wed) Shiny, happy people holding hands...

Do you remember that R.E.M. song?  (Click on the picture to listen)  I love this song!
I think of this song when I think of all the cyber "friends" I have who are sober and have been that way for awhile.

OK...I have a couple questions for you and I don't want all the pink cloud bs (I kinda do want that but I also want the reality and cold hard truth of it as well).

1.  How bad was it for you when you decided to quit for good?  (sometimes I just don't think I am that bad, not bad enough to quit anyway)

2.  How many times did you try to quite before it actually stuck? (I have seriously tried at least 20 times)

3.  Why did it finally "stick"? (no experience for me on this one)

4.  Was it as hard for you as it has been for me? (bored, depressed, lonely, isolating)

5.  How long before you really felt over it? (For example, I am an ex smoker and you couldn't get me to smoke with a gun to my head - absolutely no desire ever to smoke again)

6.. OK - now the pink cloud - How much better is it?

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

4/5/16 (Tues) Why is the bridge burning?

I read something somewhere years ago (don't remember where) that really stuck in my head. People with alcohol issues like to stand on a burning bridge over a river and ask all kinds on questions like how did the fire start? how long will it burn? what should I do? should I stay and stay to put it out? should I stay and hope I don't get burned?  Hey - how about stop asking so many questions and just jump off the damn bridge!

I was reading something last night about how people in recovery are obsessed with how and why they became addicted. Somehow they think if they can figure out the why, they can "fix" themselves and be able to drink again.

I certainly fall in to that category.  I am obsessed with alcohol period! Am I going to drink? Am I not going to drink? How much? What? What time? Should I take a naltrexone first? Then I would have to wait?

Then the next day - How much did I drink? Am I proud of myself? Am I pissed at myself?  Should I quit? Can I do better? What's coming up this weekend? month? summer that I want to be able to drink for? How did I get this way? Why can't I be a normal drinker? Maybe my nerotransmitters are messed up? What supplements should take to help? Maybe I have some kind of mental disorder that leads me to drink? Maybe it is my chromosomal disorder that causes my addiction? I wonder if I could quit? I wonder if it would completely suck? I wonder if my friends would still want me around? I wonder if I would still get invited places? I wonder if I would be bored all the time? I wonder if I could even do it anyways?  I wonder if I even need to? I wonder if I could control it if I just was more careful and tried harder?


Maybe I should just jump off the damn bridge and into the water instead of trying to figure out why, when, how, how long it has been burning!!!!

If not...I may just go down with it when I could have saved myself all along....

Sunday, April 3, 2016

4/3/16 (Sun) Neurotransmitters

In my wanderings around the internet, while being completely distracted today, I came across this article. It is spot on to everything I feel before drinking, while drinking and after drinking.  It totally explains the neurotransmitters and what happens to them while drinking and why I am addicted. It is pretty scary what alcohol does to keep me in the trap.  

It makes me feel better to know that I am not just imagining my addiction and issues.  It's not just an obsession.  I am not making a mountain out a mole hill which then gives me permission to brush it off and continue drinking.  My brain really and truly is screaming out for alcohol because  I have trained to to behave that way with years of abuse. 

But it also makes me hopeful because I think I can reverse all of that damage with sobriety.  I wonder if the damage is ever truly undone?  It seems that people who have gotten to that point struggle with the desire for alcohol for the rest of their lives.  That would be unfortunate.  

4/3/16 (Sun) Pros and Cons List

Positives of drinking:

Feel good for a couple of hours
Feel socially accepted and liked
Feel socially confident
Feel "happy" and relaxed
Feel like I have control
Feel celebratory

Negatives of drinking (EVERY TIME):

Not be able to sleep
Heart palpitations
Bight sweats
Be depressed for days
Anxiety days
Be exhausted days
Be distracted days
Not be productive
Feeling of failure

Positives of not drinking:

Better sleep
Less anxiety
Less sensitivity
Feeling of calmness
More productive/focused
More energy
More likely to work out
Feelings of pride
No "lows"

Negatives of not drinking:

Feeling socially awkward
Others feeling weird around me
Being different
Not fitting in
Fatigue (thinking about drinking gives me energy)
No "highs"

4/3/16 (Sun) Chronic, Progressive Problem

     Image result for alcohol progressive disease definition

Interesting that I choose to say I have alcohol dependence.  According to this - it is the same thing.  I have all of those 4 things......

I do intuitively know that my body/mind is telling me it has taken enough abuse.  I do know that. I appreciate hearing that many of you had experienced the same thing.  I don't know if it was the natrexone, but why am I now taking another drug just so I can "handle" alcohol which ultimately I know I can't control anyway.  I really don't think I will become a "raging alcoholic" but I am just tired of the constant struggle.  I have heard of kindling and I know I have it.  My bad hangovers are always worse than the one before.  I guess since I haven't had seizures of tremors or the shakes of hallucinations I try to tell myself I'm not that bad, but I don't dismiss the possibility of that happening to me during the next particularly bad hangover.  I think I may have reverse tolerance.  I am not an "end stage alcoholic" (I don't even think I am an alcoholic - more like alcohol dependent) but that doesn't mean my body has just gotten to a point of rejecting it.  It's probably all about self preservation on a biological level.  I really should start listening to myself. I need to make some kind of card or mantra or list or something I can look at the next time I forget all of this and want to drink.  That addictive brain just overrides all of the common sense stuff that I already know.  I just need to tell myself, "I feel better when I don't drink and that I fell crappy EVERY TIME I drink no matter how much."  Last night I said, "I will only have two glasses of wine" which I did.  In the past I would have been very proud of myself and not had any physical consequences.  I guess those days are gone.  They do say it is a progressive problem...maybe this is what it means.

4/3/16 (Sun) Drank - extreme physical response to alcohol - back to not drinking

Ok, so I have a question for anyone out there listening.  I did drink 2 glasses of wine last night and no I'm not mentally happy about that but that's not my question.  My question is about how a body handles alcohol physically.  I had 2 glasses of white wine with dinner last night that threw me for a loop.  I didn't feel that great while drinking ( just kinda light headed and out of it - buzzed but not in a good way) and then at 1:00 am I am awake sweating, heart palpitations, nauseous, anxiety - not anxiety from beating myself up bc I drank but a true physical response to drinking.  I didn't even drink that much.  What is going on ???

Here are some things I am wondering...either

1.  I have just abused my body for so long with weekend binge drinking that I have developed some sort of hypersensitivity to alcohol. My body just doesn't seem to be able to process any amount at all.

2.  I do have a genetic gene mutation called MTHFR that makes it really hard for my body to metabolize folic acid which in turn keeps my histamine levels high all the time.  Maybe this is having an effect. However I have had this my whole life and this reaction to alcohol is getting worse over time.

3.  I did take a 1/4 of naltrexone pill (which I was doing before Christmas - see previous posts - and having some success with a reduction in binge drinking).  Maybe that made me sick last night - totally felt the alcohol more than I should and felt so bad during the night.  This could have had an effect but it is getting worse over time even when I don't take the pill.

Do any of you have any knowledge, experience, articles to read about any of this?  Any input would be appreciated.  I am kinda a research junkie :)  Experiences of others and written article really help me try to figure out what is going on with me.

I suppose it is a blessing in disguise bc what I really want, in my heart, is to not drink and be 100% fink with it (happy even) in all situations.  If it makes me sick I will be less likely to drink it.  It just isn't worth it!

Back to not drinking :)

Friday, April 1, 2016

4/1/16 (Fri) Nice restaurant/sister trigger- not going to drink - exhausted

It is Friday.  It has been a rough week for me.  Although I only drink on the weekends, last week was Spring Break (I am a teacher) and I drank the majority of the evenings - many times in excess.  As a result I have felt crappy all week.  Exhausted, brain foggy, unmotivated, head aches, body aches, can't get out of bed after 8 hours of sleep, grumpy, can't get off the couch in the evening (I think I have almost gotten through an entire season of Survivor on Hulu this week)....just pretty much down in the dumps and checked out from life.  I do pretty well at work because I have to.  You can't really fake it in front of 35 6th graders (which is why I don't drink during the week), but I do isolate from my teammates and just hide in my room during breaks.  I am just so tired.  I usually feel better by now, but every time this happens it gets a little harder and longer to recover.

I am not drinking this weekend.  My body/mind/brain/soul/spirit need a break from the poison. Today would typically be hard because it has been cold and snowy here all week and the sun is supposed to be out today.  Those of you that have followed me know how big of a trigger that is for me.  Sunshine in the spring on a Friday with a beer have derailed my sobriety plans countless times. Not today..I am sick of feeling shitty.

Tomorrow is another big trigger for me.  We are going to a nice restaurant with my sister and her husband for dinner.  I threw nine months of sobriety out the window last time at this restaurant with these two people last time.  Nice restaurant with a nice glass of wine....big trigger.  Not this time...I am tired of feeling shitty.

Instead of drinking today I am going to walk my dogs for a long time and then come home and watch survivor (whatever it takes). I am going to go to bed early and sleep for like 10 hours.

Instead of drinking tomorrow I am going to remind myself that this dinner is only two hours long. I can get through two hours without a drink and then I am in the clear.  What will drinking those two hours do for me?  I can just sit there and have a nice, calm (not hyper buzzed) time with people I care about. Plus if I did chose to drink I am no longer in denial that it would only be just one or two.  It is never just one or two.  I would drink a beer or two before we left (saves money at the restaurant -that is my rationale although that is stupid because it really never makes a difference of how much I drink once I am there - it is just an excuse to start earlier).  Then I would probably have two glasses of wine at the restaurant.  Then, they always get after diner drinks.  I would probably end up having at least five drinks even if I swore I was only going to have one glass of wine.  Then I would be right back in this same shitty place next week - one more wasted week.

It just isn't worth it....