It is Friday. It has been a rough week for me. Although I only drink on the weekends, last week was Spring Break (I am a teacher) and I drank the majority of the evenings - many times in excess. As a result I have felt crappy all week. Exhausted, brain foggy, unmotivated, head aches, body aches, can't get out of bed after 8 hours of sleep, grumpy, can't get off the couch in the evening (I think I have almost gotten through an entire season of Survivor on Hulu this week)....just pretty much down in the dumps and checked out from life. I do pretty well at work because I have to. You can't really fake it in front of 35 6th graders (which is why I don't drink during the week), but I do isolate from my teammates and just hide in my room during breaks. I am just so tired. I usually feel better by now, but every time this happens it gets a little harder and longer to recover.
I am not drinking this weekend. My body/mind/brain/soul/spirit need a break from the poison. Today would typically be hard because it has been cold and snowy here all week and the sun is supposed to be out today. Those of you that have followed me know how big of a trigger that is for me. Sunshine in the spring on a Friday with a beer have derailed my sobriety plans countless times. Not today..I am sick of feeling shitty.
Tomorrow is another big trigger for me. We are going to a nice restaurant with my sister and her husband for dinner. I threw nine months of sobriety out the window last time at this restaurant with these two people last time. Nice restaurant with a nice glass of wine....big trigger. Not this time...I am tired of feeling shitty.
Instead of drinking today I am going to walk my dogs for a long time and then come home and watch survivor (whatever it takes). I am going to go to bed early and sleep for like 10 hours.
Instead of drinking tomorrow I am going to remind myself that this dinner is only two hours long. I can get through two hours without a drink and then I am in the clear. What will drinking those two hours do for me? I can just sit there and have a nice, calm (not hyper buzzed) time with people I care about. Plus if I did chose to drink I am no longer in denial that it would only be just one or two. It is never just one or two. I would drink a beer or two before we left (saves money at the restaurant -that is my rationale although that is stupid because it really never makes a difference of how much I drink once I am there - it is just an excuse to start earlier). Then I would probably have two glasses of wine at the restaurant. Then, they always get after diner drinks. I would probably end up having at least five drinks even if I swore I was only going to have one glass of wine. Then I would be right back in this same shitty place next week - one more wasted week.
It just isn't worth it....
You're right, it isn't worth it! I'll be thunking about you this weekend. Treating yourself well by not drinking is a great plan. It reaps huge rewards, as you know from your previous sober stint of 9 months. xo
ReplyDeleteThanks, thirsty. I made it through last night. one down one to go.
DeleteWell, I'll more likely be thinking than thunking! But apparently not proofreading! xo
ReplyDeleteHa ha I nearly just posted 'good lick at dinner' but thanks to you I gave it the once over.
DeletePlease please be kind to yourself and don't have ONE cos it is always the first one that kills the resolve. I used to live in the US and only got into Survivor a couple of seasons in, now I would love to be able to watch it (live in the UK now). That and The Amazing Race -favourite show EVER! Good luck at dinner, sending you positive thoughts.
ReplyDeleteSeason 16 is the best. I finished it last night - a whole season in one week after work - kinda pathetic
DeleteTotally agree with GG. I did this when I had a really bad craving - I told myself I wouldn't drink for ten minutes. And then I timed myself. I know it's a bit difficult in the restaurant, but if you have a craving - tell your self that you won't have a drink until the main course. And then tell yourself that you won't have one until dessert. If you can give yourself a window of time, you often work through the craving (I've found). It's the compulsive "yes!" that gets us into trouble. xx
ReplyDeleteI keep telling myself - it is only 2 hours of not drinking - it seems so ridiculous that it can be so hard.
DeleteI'm so glad to see you back. You know, when I quit drinking the last time, I didn't tell myself that I was quitting for good, I told myself that I was never going to try to moderate again. What I meant, is exactly what you've described, I knew, that if I drank, it would not be the one or two I always fooled myself into thinking I could manage. I told myself if I drank again, it would be with the full knowledge that I was going to get drunk and sick. No more lying to myself. So, keep reminding yourself this weekend of how you feel right now, shitty, shitty, shitty x gazillion and tell yourself if you drink, you will continue to feel that way. Keep your glass full of NA something and don't let anyone, sister, brother-in-law, husband, neighbors, knock you off course.
ReplyDeleteThanks for always encouraging me Kary - I wouldn't be surprised if you were sick of all my BS by now. I like what you said about not fooling myself into thinking I can moderate over time. I am wither going to drink and suffer the consequences or not drink. I am going to think on that for a bit :)
ReplyDeleteHi. I am new to your blog and thought I'd say hello. I have similar struggles. Once I have that first one, it's very hard for me to stop. I just can't moderate. So I'm striving towards sobriety. Hang in there. Keep desiring to not drink, keep striving towards it. Try not to beat yourself up when you do drink. Thanks for sharing your journey. I look forward to reading more. :-)
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