I posted this last May 16, 2015. It is SO STUPID to me that things are still the same. Same behavior, same obsession, same disappointment.
All I can do is be the best person I can be to all of the people in my life.
I do not for 100% fact that I cannot become that person when I drink - even moderately on the weekends. Even when I drink moderately, I lose that sense of calm and peace inside of myself - maybe because even when successfully moderating I am still mentally obsessing.
I posted this last May 11, 2015. Same bullshit, different year. This needs to end!
SO many promises I broke to myself this weekend.
Friday - drank one beer with dinner - told myself that morning I wasn't going to drink -
came home and drank 3 more glasses of wine by myself - no one was home - told myself that I wouldn't drink alone
Saturday - drank a beer before we went out - told myself I wouldn't pre drink anymore.
drank two more glasses of wine with dinner and went to see a movie. Didn't drink any more but when the movies went out twice due to a snow storm, I was desperately wishing we had gone to the theatre that lets you drink. I would have definitely gone and gotten 2 more drinks. I was really craving more alcohol at that point even though both my kids were like, "How much has mom drank?" It wasn't that much but I felt pretty out of it.
Sunday - woke up promising myself that I wouldn't drink, that my Mother's Day gift to myself and my family was for me to be sober. My sister poured the first glass of wine around 2:00 and asked me if I wanted any. I didn't even hesitate and ended up drinking more than an entire bottle over the next 6 hours. I was emotional more then once in the middle of conversations and I know I was loud. Finally at 9:30 pm everyone had gone home and I was falling asleep (passing out) on the couch, I saw out of the corner of my eye, my 16 yo son, make that pretend gesture of drinking to my husband as if to ask, "Has mom had too much to drink?" I lost it.....I got up, went upstairs leaving my whole house in shambles, literally tore my clothes of slamming every piece of clothing to the floor ( I was soooo pissed at myself), put my jammies on and went to bed without brushing my teeth or washing my face. And then I began to sob. My son came in and felt bad because he thought I was crying because of what he had done. All I could say was, "I am fine, honey. This has nothing to do with you. I love you." I ended Mother's Day with my 16 yo dear son trying to comfort his drunk mother. Not what I had had in mind. That's being a great mom! I wake up at 1:15 and never got back to sleep. This is going to be a great day.
I hate you alcohol! And I am not fine! And I hate myself