I posted this last May 16, 2015. It is SO STUPID to me that things are still the same. Same behavior, same obsession, same disappointment.
I have noticed that when I drink I am becoming more agitated, critical, loud and negative than I ever used to. I used to be the fun, no drama, party girl. I have turned into the finger wagging, fist pounding, yelling person (bitch!). I do not like that side of myself.
All I can do is be the best person I can be to all of the people in my life.
I do not for 100% fact that I cannot become that person when I drink - even moderately on the weekends. Even when I drink moderately, I lose that sense of calm and peace inside of myself - maybe because even when successfully moderating I am still mentally obsessing.
I posted this last May 11, 2015. Same bullshit, different year. This needs to end!
SO many promises I broke to myself this weekend.
Friday - drank one beer with dinner - told myself that morning I wasn't going to drink -
came home and drank 3 more glasses of wine by myself - no one was home - told myself that I wouldn't drink alone
Saturday - drank a beer before we went out - told myself I wouldn't pre drink anymore.
drank two more glasses of wine with dinner and went to see a movie. Didn't drink any more but when the movies went out twice due to a snow storm, I was desperately wishing we had gone to the theatre that lets you drink. I would have definitely gone and gotten 2 more drinks. I was really craving more alcohol at that point even though both my kids were like, "How much has mom drank?" It wasn't that much but I felt pretty out of it.
Sunday - woke up promising myself that I wouldn't drink, that my Mother's Day gift to myself and my family was for me to be sober. My sister poured the first glass of wine around 2:00 and asked me if I wanted any. I didn't even hesitate and ended up drinking more than an entire bottle over the next 6 hours. I was emotional more then once in the middle of conversations and I know I was loud. Finally at 9:30 pm everyone had gone home and I was falling asleep (passing out) on the couch, I saw out of the corner of my eye, my 16 yo son, make that pretend gesture of drinking to my husband as if to ask, "Has mom had too much to drink?" I lost it.....I got up, went upstairs leaving my whole house in shambles, literally tore my clothes of slamming every piece of clothing to the floor ( I was soooo pissed at myself), put my jammies on and went to bed without brushing my teeth or washing my face. And then I began to sob. My son came in and felt bad because he thought I was crying because of what he had done. All I could say was, "I am fine, honey. This has nothing to do with you. I love you." I ended Mother's Day with my 16 yo dear son trying to comfort his drunk mother. Not what I had had in mind. That's being a great mom! I wake up at 1:15 and never got back to sleep. This is going to be a great day.
I hate you alcohol! And I am not fine! And I hate myself
All I can do is be the best person I can be to all of the people in my life.
I do not for 100% fact that I cannot become that person when I drink - even moderately on the weekends. Even when I drink moderately, I lose that sense of calm and peace inside of myself - maybe because even when successfully moderating I am still mentally obsessing.
I posted this last May 11, 2015. Same bullshit, different year. This needs to end!
SO many promises I broke to myself this weekend.
Friday - drank one beer with dinner - told myself that morning I wasn't going to drink -
came home and drank 3 more glasses of wine by myself - no one was home - told myself that I wouldn't drink alone
Saturday - drank a beer before we went out - told myself I wouldn't pre drink anymore.
drank two more glasses of wine with dinner and went to see a movie. Didn't drink any more but when the movies went out twice due to a snow storm, I was desperately wishing we had gone to the theatre that lets you drink. I would have definitely gone and gotten 2 more drinks. I was really craving more alcohol at that point even though both my kids were like, "How much has mom drank?" It wasn't that much but I felt pretty out of it.
Sunday - woke up promising myself that I wouldn't drink, that my Mother's Day gift to myself and my family was for me to be sober. My sister poured the first glass of wine around 2:00 and asked me if I wanted any. I didn't even hesitate and ended up drinking more than an entire bottle over the next 6 hours. I was emotional more then once in the middle of conversations and I know I was loud. Finally at 9:30 pm everyone had gone home and I was falling asleep (passing out) on the couch, I saw out of the corner of my eye, my 16 yo son, make that pretend gesture of drinking to my husband as if to ask, "Has mom had too much to drink?" I lost it.....I got up, went upstairs leaving my whole house in shambles, literally tore my clothes of slamming every piece of clothing to the floor ( I was soooo pissed at myself), put my jammies on and went to bed without brushing my teeth or washing my face. And then I began to sob. My son came in and felt bad because he thought I was crying because of what he had done. All I could say was, "I am fine, honey. This has nothing to do with you. I love you." I ended Mother's Day with my 16 yo dear son trying to comfort his drunk mother. Not what I had had in mind. That's being a great mom! I wake up at 1:15 and never got back to sleep. This is going to be a great day.
I hate you alcohol! And I am not fine! And I hate myself
May was the month I finally decided to change my life. I was sitting around on Mother's Day trying to convince myself that I would be okay if my kids didn't call. I'd understand. Then I thought, how have I gotten to the point that my kids may not call me on Mother's Day? This bullshit needs to stop now. I am not going to be sitting here next year wondering if they're going to call, if I am, I'm going to at least know I've done everything I could do to change that. That's when I decided to finally do something more about my drinking then just thinking about how I needed to slow down. I joined MM shortly after, and as you know, quit drinking for good one year and four months after that May. The kids did call that Mother's Day, but the thing that has changed is that I know longer wonder if they will.
ReplyDeleteSorry, didn't mean to make that response about me. May is a great month to change your life. Do it. You know how.
DeleteYou can always talk about yourself, Kary :) I find it inspirational. May is also super hard bc it is spring, the sun is out and it is almost summer break.
DeleteMay is awesome day to change. Mother's Day is my one year ! and sorry this also wasn't supposed to be about me, just that I agree totally with Kary May. May is awesome. Get an early start in April...you know, so that May is even better xxxx
ReplyDeleteChange is possible. I don't think it's stupid to still be in the same place a year later. I think it's smart to see that you are and want to make the change, and then to try to figure out how to do it. Addiction is tricky, in part because there is so much cultural pressure to drink, and in the beginning that's a lot to resist. It really does get a lot easier though. I was thunking about your post from yesterday. It's hard to explain what it means to commit to not drinking. But I think it means taking the conviction you have when you wrote this and holding onto it, so you have it to guide you when you're tempted.
ReplyDeleteAnyway I'm with KM and Jackie and you here--now is the perfect time to make that change! xo
I think having this history for yourself is important.
ReplyDeleteYour posts still seem to indicate you feel you can moderate, that you are partially in control of your drinking.
But the reality is that none of us ever are. Once we start drinking too much there is no way to reign it back in.
Sure, we might fool ourselves into holding back some days, but deep inside I know whenever I did that it took energy. Given my choice I would always have and another drink.
Don't let another year pass you by. You aren't giving anything up. You are regaining your life. I know it's scary and hard, but it's true.
You deserve this.
Anne