I so do not want to post this. When I have all these grandiose plans of sobriety and then drink, I don't want to talk about it. It's almost like I put on some blinders and choose not to look at it or deal with it.
I am going to deal with it, learn from it and move forward.
Here is my last 3 weekends - justifications (aka BS reasons) included:
Friday, April 8 - 0
Saturday, April 9 - 3
(3 beers - got super loud and mouthy at a neighbors house which I regretted the next day - announced to everyone I was having a dry April starting April 10)
Friday, April 15 - 0
Saturday, April 16 - 3
(sister came over for dinner and shared a bottle of wine - that's all - thought to myself, "Awesome - that's what I want - to be able to moderate)
Friday, April 22 - 2
(one light beer when I got home from work - it had been a really stressful, rough, crazy day and the sun was shining and one glass of red wine with dinner - went out and thought to myself, "I've got this. I can do this")
Saturday, April 23 - 4
(sister came over for dinner with bottle of wine - thought to myself, "Worked out fine last weekend - I think I can successfully moderate" - this time she went out to get another bottle (didn't drive) and I certainly didn't stop her bc truthfully I also wanted more)
We all played a game and got into an argument/misunderstanding. Everything was ok in the end and I know there would have been conflict without drinking but I am 100% certain that alcohol made it worse. I also know that if we would have had the argument, we would have finished that second bottle. So stupid.
So that is like 10 drinks in 3 weeks. By past standards, that would have been so good. I would have been pretty proud on myself. No hangovers and have been sleeping pretty good which has always been my yardstick of judging my moderation.
It is not lost on me that the numbers have increased with each weekend and that staying on this course WILL, without a doubt, end in a hellacious, depressing hangover that will put me right back in the dame place I am so desperately trying to avoid.
Something is shifting, however, in my thinking. I want more. I want more than just "going through the motions" of living. I want to have a purpose...be a role model...feel alive and vibrant every day...wake up with a smile on my face (which doesn't start happening until I am at least a month sober - it doesn't even happen when I am successfully moderating). Maybe, somewhere deep in my soul, I know that successful moderation isn't truly what I want. I just wish everyone in the world would stop drinking and that it would be stigmatized like cigarettes are now - that it would stop being so accepted, romanticized and promoted. I wish sobriety was the "norm".
In the past, successful moderation would have been what I called success. Now I'm not so sure. I feel like I want to be that shining beacon of light in my own life and for everyone else to see that demonstrates a different way to live other than just surviving in a day to day humdrum sort of existence. I know that even with successful moderation, I will still feel tired, unmotivated, out of shape, sluggish, depressed and anxious....sick. The only was I will truly be living me true, authentic life is to stop drinking - even moderately.
I am never going to feel 100% mentally, physically, emotionally or spiritually when I am putting even a small amount of poison in my body.
I used to be inspired by people who could successfully moderate. I am still jealous of those people, but they don't inspire me anymore. I feel inspiration when I read about people who are so happy in sobriety - have found a new peace and joy out of life they would have never found while drinking and never want to go back.
The lyrics to Rolling in the Deep by Adele are in my head right now.
"There's a fire burning in my heart
reaching a fever pitch
and it's bringing me out the dark"
I'm not giving up and will continue fighting
I have no idea why you would be afraid to post this, I am amazed by you. This is a journey and the only way to know which is the right way for "you" to go is to try different paths. You've learned you can turn back. You've learned that what you thought you wanted may not be what you want after all. Damn girl. You smart! I had an interesting conversation with a good friend yesterday who is a natural moderator. We were asking that depressing question, "Is this all there is?" I said, "I never look forward to anything as much as I did when I was drinking. If you told me I could drink tomorrow and there would be no repercussions, I would feel more excited than I have in 5 years." She replied, "At least you have that possibility to look forward to. I don't care about drinking. Not even that excites me." I had never looked at that perspective before. I'd always thought that I'd ruined my "excitement" valve by exposing it to booze for too long. But she made me realize that if I could moderate, I wouldn't really look forward to those two or three drinks like I think I would. Once again, I'd be looking forward to getting drunk. And there is no getting drunk without repercussions. Dammit!
ReplyDeleteProud of you.
Thanks Kary! Knowing your support is always there, and that you actually do worry about me, sometimes gives me the courage to post even when I'm not proud of myself
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