Thursday, April 28, 2016
4/28/16 (Mon) Drank/Huge trigger - family drama
My sister and I have had a falling out. It has been coming for years and has happened off and on many times. Six months ago it got bad. She just stopped talking to me...nothing...even started with the whole mean girl stuff towards me which I have been dealing with from her since high school. For God's sakes we are both in out forties! It is just ridiculous! I have ALWAYS been the peace maker in the past. Sometimes I have done it for my mom. Sometimes to be a good role model for my kids. Sometimes because I don't want people to see me in a bad light. Sometimes just because the conflict kills me - very much like my conflict with alcohol. I obsess over it. I think about it all day and night, I cry, I yell, I talk to other people about it constantly, I type huge texts and then just never send them. It is bad. With this sister (I have 2) every time I would go to her to work it out (even when I didn't start it) her response was - I'm sorry you felt that way. It wasn't my intention. We just have different perceptions of things. Maybe that is true, but I don't feel like she ever truly apologizes for her actions. She never says just a "I'm sorry" EVER! She know that it all drives me crazy. She just sits and waits for me to make a move and then just acts like it was all my fault because of the way I perceived the situation. Some of these incidences even involve disrespecting me as a mom and sister by allowing my kids to do things while around her that she knows I would disapprove of just to be the cool aunt. Or I say one thing wrong and that's it! She doesn't talk to me, she just shuts off all communication. Then after enough time has passed and I finally go to her, she can water down how ridiculous she acted in the first place and just talk about my perceptions. It is all so stupid! Even my kids (who I have tried so hard to keep them out of the drama) are upset with her because she also stopped speaking to them and bc of the way she is treating me.
This scenario has played out at least 20 times in our adult life. Well, this last time was kind of a final straw. After six months of her not speaking to me (for I have no idea what), heartache, sobbing, talking, yelling, lamenting, typing at least 20 unsent texts the size of novels. fighting with my mom about it (bc she ALWAYS takes her side to the point that my mom and I barely even have a relationship any more) I AM DONE! I can no longer allow her to have this kind of control over my emotional well being. Judging by her behavior, I don't think it really even bothers her that much and I am dying over it. It has taken me probably about 4 weeks to come to the realization that she will not be in my life and that I will be ok with that. She doesn't deserve to be (sister or not). She will is not a nice person and not someone I would ever be friends with if she weren't related to me. He presence in my life it just too toxic. FINALLY I got to a place where I am ok with that.
Well.....yesterday she texted me an apology. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I'll tell you what I did...I drank - damnit! I just got so worked up and wanted to talk to my other sister and husband about it, that I opened a beer and continued to talk about it for two hours and drink 3 beers. Afterward, I felt emotionally spent! What the hell just happened? I felt like the Tasmanian devil, completely out of my mind, not even 100% processing that I kept drinking and just swirling around in this cesspool of emotional family bullshit. Well, I just figured out that is a HUGE trigger for me. I don't know what I am going to do about my sister ( I haven't texted her back), but I do know I need some different coping strategies in the future when it comes to family drama. I 100% know that drinking is not the answer and that I will handle things much better when I am sober.