My sister and I have had a falling out. It has been coming for years and has happened off and on many times. Six months ago it got bad. She just stopped talking to me...nothing...even started with the whole mean girl stuff towards me which I have been dealing with from her since high school. For God's sakes we are both in out forties! It is just ridiculous! I have ALWAYS been the peace maker in the past. Sometimes I have done it for my mom. Sometimes to be a good role model for my kids. Sometimes because I don't want people to see me in a bad light. Sometimes just because the conflict kills me - very much like my conflict with alcohol. I obsess over it. I think about it all day and night, I cry, I yell, I talk to other people about it constantly, I type huge texts and then just never send them. It is bad. With this sister (I have 2) every time I would go to her to work it out (even when I didn't start it) her response was - I'm sorry you felt that way. It wasn't my intention. We just have different perceptions of things. Maybe that is true, but I don't feel like she ever truly apologizes for her actions. She never says just a "I'm sorry" EVER! She know that it all drives me crazy. She just sits and waits for me to make a move and then just acts like it was all my fault because of the way I perceived the situation. Some of these incidences even involve disrespecting me as a mom and sister by allowing my kids to do things while around her that she knows I would disapprove of just to be the cool aunt. Or I say one thing wrong and that's it! She doesn't talk to me, she just shuts off all communication. Then after enough time has passed and I finally go to her, she can water down how ridiculous she acted in the first place and just talk about my perceptions. It is all so stupid! Even my kids (who I have tried so hard to keep them out of the drama) are upset with her because she also stopped speaking to them and bc of the way she is treating me.
This scenario has played out at least 20 times in our adult life. Well, this last time was kind of a final straw. After six months of her not speaking to me (for I have no idea what), heartache, sobbing, talking, yelling, lamenting, typing at least 20 unsent texts the size of novels. fighting with my mom about it (bc she ALWAYS takes her side to the point that my mom and I barely even have a relationship any more) I AM DONE! I can no longer allow her to have this kind of control over my emotional well being. Judging by her behavior, I don't think it really even bothers her that much and I am dying over it. It has taken me probably about 4 weeks to come to the realization that she will not be in my life and that I will be ok with that. She doesn't deserve to be (sister or not). She will is not a nice person and not someone I would ever be friends with if she weren't related to me. He presence in my life it just too toxic. FINALLY I got to a place where I am ok with that.
Well.....yesterday she texted me an apology. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I'll tell you what I did...I drank - damnit! I just got so worked up and wanted to talk to my other sister and husband about it, that I opened a beer and continued to talk about it for two hours and drink 3 beers. Afterward, I felt emotionally spent! What the hell just happened? I felt like the Tasmanian devil, completely out of my mind, not even 100% processing that I kept drinking and just swirling around in this cesspool of emotional family bullshit. Well, I just figured out that is a HUGE trigger for me. I don't know what I am going to do about my sister ( I haven't texted her back), but I do know I need some different coping strategies in the future when it comes to family drama. I 100% know that drinking is not the answer and that I will handle things much better when I am sober.
If you go to AA you will find a huge assortment of people to help you understand how to deal with unavoidable triggers like family.
ReplyDeleteStart there.
It's so hard to give advice for a situation like that. I ended up "disengaging" from several people who are quite toxic to me. But by disengaging, I am not waiting, or hoping, that they will change their behaviour, or their attitude...because it's not up to me to try and change them. Just to realize that my life is better without them..and let them live their life with my love. But without me in it. But it's a hard place to get to. And harder if you are drinking. I agree with Anne, if not AA, then maybe a counsellor? I think that you need to be able to just focus on your sobriety. Big hugs xx
ReplyDeleteI 100% agree with that. I have come to the conclusion that I will never change the way she sees out relationship so why keep trying. I need accept things for how they are and be ok with that for my own sense of well being. I can't mold my sister and my mother into the people I need them to be for me. They are both selfish and self absorbed and never in the wrong. Sadly, I have come to the realization that I just need to distance myself from them, even though they are family.
DeleteFuck her. Oh, excuse me. Fuck her. Sorry, I have a very distant relationship with my own sister and I have written endless letters begging her to be more of a part of my life. Her MO is to send gifts, not have a relationship. When I became sober, she sent me a necklace and said she was sorry she wasn't there for me in my dark time. She didn't know I was suffering. Hello???Return a fucking phone call for once! (BTW, she's always been this way, all my life, even before I started drinking.0 Sorry, this is about you, but, at a point, you realize and finally accept it is them and not you. You are ok. You have done your part and they can no longer affect you or your life. Take her apology and say, "Thank you for apologizing, I appreciate it. I know how hard that is for you." And leave it at that. Do not say, "That's okay." Or, "I was in the wrong, too." Take the power.
ReplyDeleteThanks Kary! Out lives parallel each others in so many ways :) Thanks for the pep talk. I like the "I know that was hard for you" part. Somehow I get the feeling that she apologized for some other reason than truly caring about me. One - she did it over text. This last time was so bad I told her it would need to be done in person. Two - it is not like her to apologize. She is doing it for someone else. Maybe her boyfriend, maybe our mom, I don't know but it just doesn't feel genuine to me. I don't care how she feels anymore. I'm tired of all the bullshit!
DeleteI firmly believe most people should be going to therapy. Seems like you need healthy coping mechanisms. Your sister seems like a manipulative person with a personality disorder such as NPB or BPD. Relationships with people who have those are EXTREMELY complicated, and strict boundaries are essential. Hope you have found help.
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