Interesting that I choose to say I have alcohol dependence. According to this - it is the same thing. I have all of those 4 things......
I do intuitively know that my body/mind is telling me it has taken enough abuse. I do know that. I appreciate hearing that many of you had experienced the same thing. I don't know if it was the natrexone, but why am I now taking another drug just so I can "handle" alcohol which ultimately I know I can't control anyway. I really don't think I will become a "raging alcoholic" but I am just tired of the constant struggle. I have heard of kindling and I know I have it. My bad hangovers are always worse than the one before. I guess since I haven't had seizures of tremors or the shakes of hallucinations I try to tell myself I'm not that bad, but I don't dismiss the possibility of that happening to me during the next particularly bad hangover. I think I may have reverse tolerance. I am not an "end stage alcoholic" (I don't even think I am an alcoholic - more like alcohol dependent) but that doesn't mean my body has just gotten to a point of rejecting it. It's probably all about self preservation on a biological level. I really should start listening to myself. I need to make some kind of card or mantra or list or something I can look at the next time I forget all of this and want to drink. That addictive brain just overrides all of the common sense stuff that I already know. I just need to tell myself, "I feel better when I don't drink and that I fell crappy EVERY TIME I drink no matter how much." Last night I said, "I will only have two glasses of wine" which I did. In the past I would have been very proud of myself and not had any physical consequences. I guess those days are gone. They do say it is a progressive problem...maybe this is what it means.
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