Sunday, April 3, 2016

4/3/16 (Sun) Chronic, Progressive Problem

     Image result for alcohol progressive disease definition

Interesting that I choose to say I have alcohol dependence.  According to this - it is the same thing.  I have all of those 4 things......

I do intuitively know that my body/mind is telling me it has taken enough abuse.  I do know that. I appreciate hearing that many of you had experienced the same thing.  I don't know if it was the natrexone, but why am I now taking another drug just so I can "handle" alcohol which ultimately I know I can't control anyway.  I really don't think I will become a "raging alcoholic" but I am just tired of the constant struggle.  I have heard of kindling and I know I have it.  My bad hangovers are always worse than the one before.  I guess since I haven't had seizures of tremors or the shakes of hallucinations I try to tell myself I'm not that bad, but I don't dismiss the possibility of that happening to me during the next particularly bad hangover.  I think I may have reverse tolerance.  I am not an "end stage alcoholic" (I don't even think I am an alcoholic - more like alcohol dependent) but that doesn't mean my body has just gotten to a point of rejecting it.  It's probably all about self preservation on a biological level.  I really should start listening to myself. I need to make some kind of card or mantra or list or something I can look at the next time I forget all of this and want to drink.  That addictive brain just overrides all of the common sense stuff that I already know.  I just need to tell myself, "I feel better when I don't drink and that I fell crappy EVERY TIME I drink no matter how much."  Last night I said, "I will only have two glasses of wine" which I did.  In the past I would have been very proud of myself and not had any physical consequences.  I guess those days are gone.  They do say it is a progressive problem...maybe this is what it means.

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