Monday, April 11, 2016
4/11/16 (Mon) Drank - 30 Days at Least
After all of that writing and thinking and pondering and analyzing and problem solving and list making and convincing....I drank Saturday!!!!! I am so stupid. I was going to abstain all of April. I have except for twice. Here were my excuses both times. Two Saturdays ago we went out to dinner with my sister at a nice restaurant - big trigger for wine btw! I told myself that I had drank so many weekends during February and March (after abstaining in January) bc I wasn't taking my naltrexone. So I was going to try it (taking the 1/4 pill an hour before and then allowing myself 2 (max 3) drinks. I had used it before Christmas and it really was helping. Well if you remember, I had 1 beer and 2 glasses of wine and felt like hell the next day. Couldn't seep all night and was exhausted Sunday swearing I was taking a break (it pisses me off, btw, that I feel this bad after only 3 drinks!!!!). Well, this last Saturday I talked myself into drinking by saying, "Maybe it was the wine. Maybe it would be different with beer." So I drank 3 beers (one light and 2 IPA 8%). Well, guess what? I slept 3 whole hours of the 7 I was in bed (anxious, heart racing, sweating) and felt like shit yesterday - after 3 beers!!!! I wasted another weekend day sitting on the couch and am waking up on one more Monday feeling tired. The pill did help me stop at 3 both times. I would have, without a doubt, cracked open another one when I got home without the pill but I think it makes me feel worse the next day. This is all just so stupid. It is a drug!!! I don't need to do drugs!!!!
I declared to my family yesterday - 30 days of no drinking! I do much better when I declare it out loud to people. I feel more accountable. I am just going to to not even give myself a chance to think about it or change my mind for 30 days. It is off the table as even an option. I am going to give my brain and body a break. I am going to eat well, sleep a lot, work out, drink a lot of water, go back to yoga and most importantly - keep blogging. When I stop blogging, I stop thinning I have a problem and then I drink.
Day 2 of ???? (at least 30)