Tuesday, April 5, 2016
4/5/16 (Tues) Why is the bridge burning?
I read something somewhere years ago (don't remember where) that really stuck in my head. People with alcohol issues like to stand on a burning bridge over a river and ask all kinds on questions like how did the fire start? how long will it burn? what should I do? should I stay and stay to put it out? should I stay and hope I don't get burned? Hey - how about stop asking so many questions and just jump off the damn bridge!
I was reading something last night about how people in recovery are obsessed with how and why they became addicted. Somehow they think if they can figure out the why, they can "fix" themselves and be able to drink again.
I certainly fall in to that category. I am obsessed with alcohol period! Am I going to drink? Am I not going to drink? How much? What? What time? Should I take a naltrexone first? Then I would have to wait?
Then the next day - How much did I drink? Am I proud of myself? Am I pissed at myself? Should I quit? Can I do better? What's coming up this weekend? month? summer that I want to be able to drink for? How did I get this way? Why can't I be a normal drinker? Maybe my nerotransmitters are messed up? What supplements should take to help? Maybe I have some kind of mental disorder that leads me to drink? Maybe it is my chromosomal disorder that causes my addiction? I wonder if I could quit? I wonder if it would completely suck? I wonder if my friends would still want me around? I wonder if I would still get invited places? I wonder if I would be bored all the time? I wonder if I could even do it anyways? I wonder if I even need to? I wonder if I could control it if I just was more careful and tried harder?
Maybe I should just jump off the damn bridge and into the water instead of trying to figure out why, when, how, how long it has been burning!!!!
If not...I may just go down with it when I could have saved myself all along....