Once again - another tired, depressed Monday. Try, try, try, try again. I am not going to drink this weekend. How did drinking help my weekend? What did I do Friday or Saturday that I couldn't have done without a drink? Nothing. I would have still sat in the sun (maybe even walked the dogs instead) and I would have still gone out to dinner Friday just without a drink. My Saturday would have been the same except I wouldn't have had any wine with my sister that evening. Everything would have been the same except for the little fight that we all got in to. I certainly could have lived without that drama. Sunday would have been way better as I spent the whole day on the couch (again) exhausted, bloated, anxious, depressed. Now I am starting Monday behind on my household chores and still feeling bloated and tired to start my week.
I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. And the most stupid part of all of it is - it is self induced and is something I can absolutely change. I just need to change my mind.
When is the feeling of being sick and tired going to out weigh the feelings of wanting to drink on the weekends?
Why can't I just remember how crappy I feel all the time on a Friday or Saturday night?
Why am I not strong enough to conquer this?
What am I doing wrong?
Okay, I know it is impossible, but I'm going to try. I'm going to throw a few magic words out there for you. "I'm done, no matter what. I have the proof I need that life is better when I don't drink, I don't need to do anymore research. The outcome is never going to be any different. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. Thank God Awlmighty I'm freakin' DONE!" (BTW, I think your sister is a huge trigger for you. If you can't not drink around her, or she can't not drink around you, you need to avoid her for awhile. You're the most important person in the world right now, not her. If you're using her as an excuse to drink, tell her you love her, but, for the time being, she can't drink around you.)
ReplyDeleteYou are so right, Kary! The out come is never going to be any different.
DeleteI'm going to agree with Kary May here...I think that you are hoping that you can be sober without actually quitting....if that makes sense..In the early days, I found that the only way it worked is if I made some drastic decisions - saying No to social events, clearing out all alcohol from my house, making my house an alcohol free zone - not allowing people to drink in my house, or bring alcohol (this is hard but it worked. I had to say, yes, come on over, but we are a "dry" zone, so don't bring wine, and be ready to enjoy a nice cup of tea - and yes, it meant that I had fewer visitors, but also fewer triggers), planning my time. I know it sounds drastic, and many people will says that it's overkill, after all we should all be able to abstain while other people are drinking right? Yes, eventually. But why "test" yourself? Why give yourself an opportunity to drink? For me, 'playing the movie to the end" worked after I had some sober time under my belt, and I was really appreciating my sober mornings. Until then, I took action. I hope this helps xxx
ReplyDeleteI think that you are hoping that you can be sober without actually quitting...
DeleteUmmm...yah! You got that right - just never looked at it that way
Great advice here already.
ReplyDeleteGo to AA. Tonight, while you still know that you are done.
That tired, endless cycle. It is so hard to escape.
But you can. It takes more than changing you mind. It takes changing everything for a while.
Get help. Clean the booze out of the house. Plan to focus on yourself and healing.
You don't have to live trapped in addiction. Life is so much better free.
Anne
It takes more than changing you mind. It takes changing everything for a while.
DeleteI know this - I just need to do the work
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ReplyDeleteI'm going to second Anne. (But then, you knew that. LOL)
ReplyDeleteSorry your suffering, K. I sure wish you were willing to get some help with this.
xoxo
Lulu