One time I was really sick with the flu - for 4 days I was in bed and my sisters and mom didn't seem to give two shits about me. I was extremely hurt and confused. Around a year later, I talked to my sister about why no one seemed to care. She said, "Oh, we just thought you had drank too much and were in one of your depressed moods." I couldn't believe it! How had they known that had been the case on many occasions before? When I would have a particularly bad hangover and would isolate, I would just tell everyone I didn't feel good, had a headache, etc. I guess it was a case of crying wolf, bc the one time I really was sick, they didn't believe me. It was very concerning to me that they thought that way about me and that I wasn't hiding it as well as I thought I was. It kind of blew my mind and became a reality check for me.
Ever since my kids became teenagers I have been really honest with them about my struggles. They see it...they were getting too old to believe that, "Mom doesn't feel good (again) and stayed in bed most of the day because she was getting the flu." "Or mom got really loud and crazy last night just bc she is a fun person."
Somehow I felt that if I shared my struggles an all areas - perfectionism, anxiety, alcohol - it could help them recognize traits in themselves. I feel it has really helped my 21 yo old daughter. She went through 2 years of binge drinking - and I mean shots of vodka just to get drunk. I didn't know she was doing it for awhile. When I found out, I grounded her for an entire summer for lying to me. My intention was that she would not rejoin that group of friends. While she was grounded, we talked a lot about my path since I had been her age and how I started out just like her - social anxiety, drinking all the time to fit in, finally pissed if I couldn't drink on a weekends. I filled her head with all of my research on addiction, how it changes your brain and what alcohol does to your body and mind. How it makes the anxiety worse. How it contributed to fighting with your boyfriend. How it is all just so stupid. (I felt like an addiction counselor - I seemed to be getting through to her better than I was getting through to myself). I wanted her to understand that she is my daughter and that both her father and I have addiction in out families. She can be different. She doesn't have to go down that path. She can break the cycle. She does still struggle with perfectionism, some OCD and anxiety but she doesn't drink. She is 21 and has chosen sobriety. She told me she wouldn't have gotten to this place without me. I am so very proud of her. She is actually an inspiration to me and I tell her all the time.
My 17 yo old son has never nor ever wants to drink. Who knows if that will change, but he is very analytical and just sees it as a stupid drug and doesn't get it.
Sooo.... my question....when I might say to my kids, "I am not drinking for a month." We make plans to go to a nice dinner and they know I want a glass of wine but don't want to drink, they will say things like, "Mom, you are fine. You aren't as bad as you think you are. It's just your latest obsession. You have been doing really well lately. One glass of wine won't hurt. Have a good time, just don't over do it."
Why in the world would they want me to drink? I don't understand it....
I can't say. Perhaps you are unhappy when you don't get to drink?
ReplyDeletePerhaps they want you to tell them you are going to take your own advice and stay sober for good?
Maybe the just don't understand addiction and think you should be able to moderate through willpower (silliness).
Whatever the reason, you don't need to drink because someone says you can. You need to just do what's best for you.
Kids see everything. It is so obvious to me now when someone has been drinking, I can't believe I ever thought I was being sneaky.
Hugs.