Saturday, September 2, 2017

Crazy couple of weeks 9/2/17 (Sat)

I thought I would check in. I can't believe I haven't posted since 8/19.  I has been a crazy couple of weeks.  My daughter came back from out of state and moved in with us to finish up her college education.  She graduates in December.  I absolutely love having her around. She is motivating me to get up every morning at 4:30 and work out and to eat healthy.  My son moved out into a college dorm.  I miss him very terribly, but he is only 10 miles away and he is thriving at his "nerdy/super smart" engineering school.  He has finally found his people. I am super excited for him.  I have three weeks in the books already for this school year.  I have new teammates, a new bunch of sixth graders and different curriculum to teach this year, but so far so good - no drama :)

And I am sober 72 Days!  This time is so different.  I really don't have the "pink cloud" like I did last time maybe because sobriety isn't a new feeling, but I also don't have the depressed, deprived angry feelings when not drinking like last time either.

When drinking I was living a life of high/highs and low/lows.  I was either excited to get to drink on the upcoming weekend, actually drinking and having fun or suffering through a three day hangover and then the dull/depressed feelings in between.

Last time I quit I also had high/highs and low/lows. I either had the high/highs of waking up hangover free, being in awe of how present and calm I felt or the low/lows of being depressed and pissed that I couldn't drink on the weekends - fearful (terrified) of every situation - that I might screw up and drink or that I might have an anxiety attack bc I couldn't.

This time there isn't high/highs or low/lows.  I am still waiting for the "this is the best I have ever felt/I am so happy/my life is great" feelings.  I hope they do eventually arrive, but it isn't like I am miserable either. I feel like I am just chugging along, doing life, but in a more controlled way. I feel more in control of my emotions, my thoughts, my insecurities. I am working out and starting to feel the need to, I am less grumpy, sleeping better, getting a lot more done, feel a lot more present and really do feel calmer.

The biggest difference this time is that I really don't want to drink. I have only had two "close calls" in 72 days. One was the Tuesday afternoon when I had a full on panic attack and the 2nd was when we went out to dinner with our friends.  I just really don't seem to care about it - which is awesome.  I can also admit to myself that I did really like it and had a lot of fun drinking. I do miss the sense of connecting with people (albeit semi present/drug induced/somewhat fake connections) I felt while drinking with friends. I miss the hyper, excited feeling I would get about an upcoming weekend event.  I miss being the life of the party and having a lot of drinking fun. I miss going to new breweries on a Friday afternoon. I miss opening a bottle of wine or a cold beer on a Friday after a long week at work.

But all that I miss about it is not worth the misery it causes just isn't worth it.

I will give up the high/highs to not have to go through the low/lows. I just have to figure out how to be truly happy on the middle ground - to go from ho-hum to life is great. I also need to figure out how to calm down. Instead of drinking on the weekends now I am just constantly moving - cleaning, shopping, hiking, yard work, etc. While all of that is good stuff, I am not giving myself time to relax. When drinking (or smoking before I quit) I would sit down to do it. Both calmed me down in a sense. It is hard to explain bc alcohol revved me up but also made my brain not think about everything that I need to do, calmed it down and helped it have fun.  While alcohol made me miserable most of the time it did help me to stop thinking which in a way is relaxing. I need to figure out how to do that without a drug.

Well, that's it for now - off to clean my house, do yard work, do laundry, work out, pay my bills and go buy some hiking shoes - lol!