Saturday, August 16, 2014

Day 7 "normal"

Well is is day 7 but I still feel crappy.  I knew I would.  Still tired, still heart palpitations, still anxiety, still headaches, still depressed, still don't know what to do with my life....

My husband is having a hard time. he really either wants to get on with breaking up or decide we aren't and get everything back to normal.  I am not sure I can do that.

Although I am not sure how much of all of this is due to my drinking,  I do know that it can't go back to normal. Normal was not good.  Normal was me being responsible for everything - cleaning, cooking, groceries, meal planning, yard work, bill paying, anything involving the kids, etc.  He would help whenever I asked him but all of that responsibility has been on my shoulders for almost 30 years and I am exhausted. Normal is nothing ever getting done around here regarding house maintenance.  Project are left unfinished, things are falling apart, he just seems overwhelmed and stressed out to do any of these things that need to be done, so I just worry about them. Normal is him denting in the spot on the couch because other than work that is basically all he does. Normal is only having fun when we are drinking and that isn't even necessarily together just at the same party and sometimes ends in fighting.Normal is me walking around bitter, angry, depressed, trying just to ignore how I feel, putting on a "happy" face, keeping my head down and powering through while he seems fine with that as long as I'm not leaving.

I know that it is not fair to ask him to sit around and wait while I figure out my own shit, but it really is the only option he has right now other than leaving...

My heart is breaking right now for him, for my kids, for this life we have built, for me....

2 comments:

  1. Try to be patient!!! Wait at least 30 days till you feel better in all those areas you mentioned. You can't make a good decision when you feel so crappy. Did you take that Epsom salt bath yet? Do it!!

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  2. I agree. Focus on taking care of yourself and let major changes with your life come later.
    Be honest with your husband, tell him you are going to have to make some personal changes and that you need support. Ask for specific things. Do not expect him to know what you need or read your mind.
    Withdrawl from alcohol is a long process. Do some reading about paws. It's best if you understand some of the phases.
    If you feel like you are getting more and more depressed you should see your doctor.
    Are you going to AA? Having real life support is important.

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