I feel a little better today. Still tired, a little head-achy but the anxiety has come down and I feel a little calmer. I went back into this blog last night. I have been blogging for a couple of years and it is amazing how fast you forget your own journey. Alcohol has this way of making you forget all of the pain you have been through in the past. I have been to this place so many times. Why do I care so much about drinking? I just can't figure it out? Why do I want to continue to do something that is counterproductive to living a peaceful, calm life? Why do I so desperately want to be able to drink moderately? I get that it is a drug and I am addicted but it just all seems so stupid and pointless and a waste of energy.
The whole little voice in my head that isn't loud now but I know will be is intriguing to me - the one that says, "You are OK. You haven't had this or this happen...you don't do this or this...you just need to try harder to keep it under control...you can do it...your aren't one of "those"people that says you don't drink and people cringe in comfortableness...one beer or glass of wine isn't going to kill you..It doesn't matter what others think...you will just show them that you are strong enough to control it...you can do this....you are strong enough...you are not your father...
Where does that voice live? Where does it hide? Why does it keep coming back? Is it part of my own psyche or something separate from who I am? Is my real voice this one or the one that doesn't want to suffer the consequences of drinking? (I really don't have a strong voice that doesn't want to drink just one that doesn't want to the pain that follows) Why does it win??
It's the same voice I have. I think of it as a gremlin that lives inside me. As long as I never feed it alcohol it stays very weak. I go months at a time without hearing it at all now. Every once in a while it will gather it's strength and try to talk me into feeding it. But I know as long as I never go in it will go away. Everything it says is lies anyway. Alcohol doesn't make me more fun , happier, less stressed , ect. It just make me miserable.
ReplyDeleteYes, I recognize that voice, too. Recently I looked back on some old journals and I had also asked myself what you are asking yourself: "Why do I care so much about alcohol?" And I really didn't want to be one of "those people." But I have found my own voice got stronger since I stopped drinking altogether, and no one cringes when I have sparkling water wirh lemon while they have booze. Stopping the suffering is tough, but I'm so relieved I did it. I agree with Mary, alcohol is a great source of misery and being clear of that is a relief. You're not on your own in this. Take care. xo
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