Tuesday, August 12, 2014

8/12/14 (Tues) - Sorrow, sadness, confusion

I feel so alone right now.  Today at work, I found myself wishing I would fall and hit my heard or something so that I could just go home and go to  bed and no one would know why.  I went back and forth between feeling like I was going to pass out out and start crying.  I was ready to quit my 23 year teaching career, walk out the door and never look back.

My marriage is in trouble.  I married very young  (age 18) - he was 23.  Our relationship has always been bound by booze.  When we were young, we partied every weekend with our friends and had a great time.  I had my first child at 27 and my second at 30.  From age 27 to 40 we were busy raising kids.  We had some pretty major fights, but just made up and moved on.  As our kids got older we started partying again, but it was different.  We now fight when we drink too much and it is not pretty and divorce always gets thrown out.  He was always the one to say it, but now we both do.  I am really struggling right now with what to do.

I have been in this deep dark pit before of anxiety, depression and sheer terror over what to do.  It usually follows either a drinking binge or once it happened when I was coming off of pain pills.

Should I tell him I want a divorce and destroy everyone around me - him, my children, our home, our family, our neighborhood connections.  This sounds sounds  so utterly terrifying that  I can hardly breath when I think about it. I truly think that deep down inside it is what I want, what I have wanted for a long time but am not willing to hurt everyone else.  But, I am also afraid that I am really just having an emotional breakdown bc of alcohol and will ruin everything because of something that will pass.

Should I just ride this out for awhile and see if it passes?  In the meantime I have him coming home from work everyday crying because he doesn't want to loose me and then I am crying because I am hurting him and am so confused.  I don't know how long we can continue this.  I do know that we do both need some professional help.

Are all of these feelings really the way I feel or are they a result of my drinking week last week?

2 comments:

  1. Don't make any decisions about anything until you are alcohol free for a minimum of 30 days! You will feel so much better and be able to think/feel so much better. Hang in there

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  2. It's tough - how do you get someone to open up to you when their head is obliterated from so many other things? It sounds like you guys need a break, so you can work out what you want. And he sounds co-dependent, but you aren't his carer, you are his partner. You need to find yourselves separately before you can find each other, good luck x

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