Sunday, August 17, 2014

different this time

For the first time in 19 nights, I actually slept through the night without without waking up in the middle of the night having an anxiety attack.  I actually woke up with a cautious optimism.

I have decided that I first need to work on my internal before I can do anything about my external.  My dd made me go to the gym with her today and I ran on the treadmill like there was no tomorrow! I think it was probably good for me.

Last time I stopped drinking (August 2012 - to see a complete history see my entry on November 12, 2013) and I went 255 days (until April 21, 2013).  I broke my abs in the spring which is always the hardest season for me to  abs.  During this time period, I didn't really do anything for myself other than not drink.  I gave myself permission not not work out, eat crappy, sleep all the time, watch too much tv, isolate myself - basically check out from life.  I felt like much of the time I was either "white-knuckling" the cravings or feeling sorry for myself because I couldn't go out bc everyone would be drinking.  I did learn a lot during this time and I really did overall feel much better, but obviously not good enough because I went back to drinking.  At first just a little, every once in a while, promising myself that if it got out of hand I would stop. My "out of hand" means drinking enough to have a hangover.  Slowly, progressively I got to that point over the next 210 days (November 12, 2013) and had a really bad Christmas break - huge fights, sneaking drinks, drinking in the AM, missing work because of anxiety - just in a really bad place). I quit again (January 1, 2014) and only went t until January 18, 2013. Well since January 18 until now the same thing has happened - I am pretty good for a while, really careful to protect this "gift" of drinking I have given myself.  But slowly over time, without even realizing it, it becomes every weekend, and then hangovers every weekend until I have time off from work and I drink every day and everything just explodes!  Every time it explodes I want to divorce my husband.  I don't know if I really do want to divorce him or if I just want o run away from everything as alcoholics often do.

BTW - I just went back and read my past blogs to find those dates - OMG it is the same pattern repeating over and over and over.... why can't I just see that?

Anyway, I think I need to approach my not drinking differently this time. I used to be an ex smoker and I tried and tried and tried to quit smoking.  The pattern really was very similar to what I am doing now except my periods on non smoking were marked by days not weeks and there wasn't the whole intoxicated part tp deal with.  When I finally did quit smoking for good, I made it a lifestyle decision.  I worked out, ate well, took care of myself, even quit drinking for 6 months.  It finally took hold when I wasn't quitting in isolation bu instead being more healthy overall.  Last time I quit I think I felt more like a victim, powerless.  This time I am going to try to be proactive, powerful in my decision, healthy in all of my choices.  

2 comments:

  1. I'm really glad you're feeling a bit better today. It's so interesting to see how the patterns work. I found the same thing for myself, and it really was all part of the process. Wishing you well! xo

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