Sunday, January 12, 2014
I am so nervous about putting down Day 12. Something inside of me doesn't want to "officially" count days. Maybe it is my fear of failure. Maybe it is my constant worry about how I will get through the all inclusive Caribbean vacation we have scheduled for July. I think somewhere in my head I am still thinking I will drink on that vacation. And somehow I have my self convinced that it will be OK - that I will only drink during that week and only that week and then quit again. I can't seem to wrap my head around not being able to have a drink when we first arrive, on the deck looking at the ocean, on the beach in my lounge chair, by the pool with the swim up bar where everyone is partying, at dinner, watching the sunset - it causes me a lot on anxiety and worry to even think about it.
My plan for right now - don't drink for today and try not to thin about the future. My greatest hope would be that July would roll around, I would have all these months under my belt and I just wouldn't care anymore. That I wouldn't even want to drink and be perfectly fine with the decision. My fear is that I just go through these few months not counting up the days of sobriety, but counting down the days until I can drink.