Monday, January 27, 2014

OK by past standards, but not anymore

SO I wanted to be true to my promise to keep a journal of my progress although I would really rather just ignore all of this... Friday I didn't drink at all and was fine with it. Saturday I was invited to a basketball game.  My sister had a glass of wine out when I got to her house and I found myself stealing sips from her glass - probably had no more than 1/3 a glass.  Went to the game.  Had a beer with her.  Then found myself offering to go get the kids food and drank another beer while walking around getting food by myself.  I didn't drink anything yesterday.

Now, in the past, I would have been ecstatic to not have drank Sunday through Friday and then only had a little over two on Saturday.  But I don't feel good about it.  One - it makes me grumpy,  not hung over/and I did sleep fine, but a little tired and irritable.  I don't know if my body just can't physically handle even small amounts anymore or if it is the disappointment in myself that I am drinking at all.

More than that I think it is becoming increasingly clear that it is more about "how" I drink.  I was sneaking on Saturday.  I only partly agreed to go to the game bc I, kind of subconsciously, knew there was a better chance that I would be able to drink if I went than if I stayed home.  The wanted a drink so bad at my sister's house - even came back in to "get something" so I could sneak one last sip.  I couldn't wait to buy her that drink, just so I could get mine.  And I volunteered to get the food just to have that second drink.  I told myself I was allowing myself two (that's not so bad) and by God I was having those two.

Not sure I am happy at all with that mindset.  Even though it was only two, I am pretty sure it would not classify as a healthily relationship with alcohol.

2 comments:

  1. Hurray for two out of three weekend days with no alcohol! Wolfie still has a tight hold on you- but he's not invisible to you, as he used to be. You saw what he was doing on Saturday, even though you didn't quite have the distance from old behaviour habits to tell him to fuck off.

    I'd call that great progress. What is most important/amazing/promising is your absolute honesty here, to yourself and to us readers. You are tackling it head on, and I am rooting for you!!

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  2. I agree with Carrie there. (Seems I usually do!) It's great that you had two weekend days living happily without wine, and the fact that you were able to notice what was going on when you did drink is also a real accomplishment, I think. Looking through my old journals, I can see that every time I started to quit or be more moderate, I usually stopped thinking about it at all, and of course that meant I slipped back to old habits. The few times I kept on writing about the process and noticing the problem were helpful to me in seeing things more clearly. Best of luck and strength to you in figuring this out. I'm rooting for you, too!

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