Sunday, January 5, 2014

Breaking Bad and an interesting life

My question for the day is "How do I make life interesting without alcohol?"

We have been making our way through the Breaking Bad series and I love this show!  Especially Jessie!  I think I resonate with his addiction struggles.  He is addicted to meth which makes him way worse than me haha! He said something in one of the episodes - "It just makes everything more interesting."

I thought a lot about that and I think the same is true for me.  We went to dinner last night with our extended family.  Some were drinking a little, some weren't drinking, I wasn't drinking at all.  I really didn't miss drinking.  I really would rather have a clear head, be able to drive, not get so loud or have to be the center of attentions and I certainly was glad waking up hangover free...but...it just gets soooo boring!

I get bored with people, conversations, situations, activities that with a glass (or 5) of wine would become much more interesting.  Granted I wasn't really listening to anything anyone had to say when drinking, not in a genuine, attentive way, but everyone and everything is just more interesting under the influence.  Why is that?

I have a dear friend who likes to talk A LOT about herself and her problems.  I could sit and "talk" with her for hours with a glass (or 5) of wine.  Now I am bored after 10 minutes.

This was one of my biggest struggles during my last 255 sober days - boredom.  My boredom even started turing into - What's the point? What is my purpose? What even matters?  Why do we even live this mundane, boring existence?

How does life stay interesting sober??????

5 comments:

  1. Firstly, I want to let you know that I am happy that you are blogging again. I missed reading your posts since I could relate so much to what you have shared in them. I can relate to feeling "flat" socializing without the buzz of booze running through me and sometimes I also wonder why should I bother to try and quite drinking. Well, to be honest, I have come to the sad realization that whether or not I want to quit drinking, I NEED to quit because wine is beating the crap out of me. Irregardless of how I much I may want to continue using wine as a fun and social release, I am recognizing that my consumption of it is producing too many negatives in my life. So, in answer to your question of how does life stay interesting sober, I believe that it is up to you and I to remind ourselves of the negative repercussions that consuming wine was having on us. Yes, presently we may perceived life as being uninteresting without the wine, but I feel that's because we have been deluding ourselves for so long that it was wine that was making life interesting. Wine was only making us intoxicated and messing with our brain chemistry. It is going to take us sometime to heal from the physical and psychological damage that we have inflicted upon ourselves. I am trying to not romanticize my relationship with wine and remind myself that I am going to have to work hard at getting comfortable be ]ing uncomfortable in the situations, conversations, and relationships where I have used wine to help take the edge off. Maybe I will find that some of those friendships and "fun times" that I thought were so awesome really are not all that great. This realization scares and saddens me, but I am going to put on my big girl panties and change my attitude about it because I think that will be easier than becoming an alcoholic.

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    1. I know - it's just a stupid drug, right?

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  2. I know that flat feeling well. Alcohol seems enticing, seems to promise relief from boredom and disinterest. Only it does so right now, but it's almost by borrowing our personal energy from tomorrow, when we'll feel sluggish, headachy, not-fully-engaged with life. This is the conundrum. I too have had both feelings you mention in these posts: (1) Why even bother to keep myself from alcohol- this is too hard. and (2) if this is life without alcohol, why do I want to keep living. (Not as a clear-cut psychiatric emergency-type of suicidal ideation, rather as a fleeting thought of frustration). So why am I doing this? I guess overall continuing to drink felt more like a constant diet of cotton candy and taffy- that kind of sucks my energy- whereas abstaining feels more like I just had a big salad with grilled prawns and am full of energy to engage in real life (as opposed to false life, the faux cheer and scintillation of alcohol). I will follow your journey with interest- best wishes!!

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    1. I like the food analogy because is is sucking the life out of me!

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  3. I know what you mean, where is the spark?

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