Thursday, January 2, 2014

1/2/14 (Thus) goes....again....Done! (dh not speaking/disastrous Christmas/morning drinking)

So I posted quite a bit in November, getting to what seemed to be my breaking point again.  I went into great detail at the number of days I had been sober in the past and how I had slowly been slipping since I decided to try moderating again last spring.  Well. obviously, I didn't stop because I stopped posting.  Not only did I not stop, but I got worse.  Since my last post, I have drank every weekend, usually to the point of having a hangover and the holidays were a disaster.  It started the Sunday before Christmas.  I wasn't drinking, but had over the weekend so I was probably tired, depressed, having anxiety - you know the typical bullshit after drinking.  My husband and I got in a huge fight over something really stupid and didn't talk to each other until Thursday - yes...over Christmas.  I have to kids - 19 and 15 - who were pretty upset over the whole thing.  I know the fight was justified on my part (of course) and I hadn't been drinking but I do believe the ever increasing amount of alcohol I had been drinking over the past few months, were making me generally depressed, anxious and extremely moody, which added a bunch of fuel to my anger which blew the fight up into something bigger than it needed to be.

On Christmas Day I did something for the first time ever.  I was so stressed out about not talking to my husband, sure we were heading for divorce, upset for my children and having 15 people over for dinner, that I went to the garage and guzzled a beer at 11:00 in the morning just to be able to cope.  This is something I haven't ever done before.  Sure I have hidden my drinking and guzzled in private.  I don't hardly ever drink in the morning but it has happened before on vacation.  What was new was they feeling that I "needed" it to be able to cope.  Usually when I am upset or angry I don't want to drink.  I usually drink out of happiness or even boredom, but not as a fully admittable coping mechanism.  I then brought in 3 beers - one for me, one for my mom and one for my sister.  I set them down on the counter with a "It's 5:00 somewhere comment" and cracked it open with a "I could give a shit what you all think - I am drinking this beer and you better shut up about it!" attitude.  That is also new behavior for me.  Well, I switched to wine and drank all damn day.  I had also had plenty the night before when I broke down in tears to my sisters and mom about how  mad I was my dh, which I regretted most of what I had said the next day.  I was mean and nasty and cussing and cruel.  At the time of drinking, I don't think I look, sound or am acting drunk at all.  Then the next day, I realize I made a fool of myself.

As if that wasn't bad enough, we went to a New Year's Eve party in the neighborhood, in which I stayed until 3:30 am getting pretty hammered apparently.  Again, I didn't feel that drunk at the time, but I had one of the worst hangovers I have every had yesterday - never got out of bed, rapid heart beat, sweating, etc....I asked my dh if I seemed drunk bc I didn't really feel like it at the time.  He probably wouldn't have said anything unless I asked but since I did, he informed be of my behavior and the things I was saying (which I had forgotten about) and once again I made a total ass of myself - while at the same time feeling completely in control at the moment.

Funny how alcohol doesn't even allow you to see how out of control you are getting - it is like a veil of complete bullshit in your own mind. Then,  my kids are telling me, "It's OK mom,  It was New Years. Everyone drinks too much.  Don't beat yourself up."  How terrible that I have my kids living in the same sense of denial, trying to make their hung over, drunk ass mom feel better because of her self inflicted poisoning of her own body!  Boy, that sure it setting a good example!

I AM DONE!!!!!!

1 comment:

  1. Ouch. I can truly feel your pain. I have been there & done that more times then I care to recall. No one should have to feel that & the good news is that you don't ever have to feel this way again. One foot in front of the other-one step at a time-just one thing that you have to do differently and you will be free. In time the compulsion will be lifted and
    you can wake up each day proud & happy & healthy. Forgive yourself & move on.((((hugs))) I'm 422 days sober & grateful to start the year with no remorse. You can do this too...