Friday, January 3, 2014

1/3/14 (Fri) Day 3 - again - this one sucks!

Well, I knew this was going to be a doozy of a hangover.  Every time I binge drink (which for me  4 or more in one evening  - either Friday or Sat) it gets a little worse.  New Year's Eve  was way worse than that so I knew it was going to be bad.  I am going to keep a diary of this hell so I can look at it later when that bastard addictive voice comes calling!

Day 1 - felt like complete shit - spent the whole day in bed, couldn't focus on anything, couldn't even get the motivation to do the dishes or put in a load of laundry, laid in bed most of the day waiting for it to pass.  So tired (went to bed at 3:30 and woke up at 8:00 with head and heart pounding).  I wanted to sleep so bad but couldn't.  Restless exhaustion!  I hate it! My heart was pounding - doing somersaults, my head was spaced out, unable to focus, lagging, tried to read - couldn't, tried to watch TV-couldn't, all I could do was lay there and hope the hours would pass quickly.  Mood - extremely agitated, extreme anxiety, depression, anger over what I had said to people (it kept creeping into my thoughts and I had to just close my eyes and push them away), extreme guilt for my kids seeing me this way - please just let it be time to go to bed!

Day 2 - didn't sleep well - so tired - supposed to go to the gym with dd - blew her off - all day I had flu like symptoms - I did get some stuff done - laundry and grocery store but just didn't feel well - a little nauseous, body aches, hot flashes, rapid heart rate, the past I would have blamed it on something else - getting sick, eating like crap the day before, stress of the holidays. That is BS - this is detox!  My 120 pound, 45 year old body just can't take that kind of poisoning any more - I am still physically sick from alcohol.  Blaming it on anything else would be denial.  I know a lot of alcoholics drink to feel better - for me it never really occurs to me to do that until I feel better in 4 or 5 more days - how convenient and ironic - the next weekend! So then I just start the whole process over - Sunday - Day 1 - feel terrible, Monday - Day 2 - at work (which lately I have been calling in sick on Tuesday because I  have extreme anxiety at work on Monday - I guess I can't say that it doesn't interfere with my job anymore), Tuesday - Day 3 - still feel tired, Wednesday - Day 4 - starting to feel better (finally!), Thursday - Day 5 - promising not to drink this weekend, Friday - Drink!, Saturday - Drink! Sunday - Day 1! over and over and over and over and over..............

Day 3 - Today - had tons of dreams last night, but didn't sleep well.  I would have these stressful dreams - running from something, hiding, witnessing my cousin going through detox, and then I would wake up in a jolt. I am usually hot at night but last night I was FREEZING! I had all my jammies, a sweatshirt, three blankets and huge socks on and  just couldn't warm up.  I felt cold from the inside and kept having these waves of chills run through me - that's a new one! Plus i kept havin g this jabbing feeling in my brain, like someone was running a poker through my skull - that was fun!  I do feel a little better this morning, however  I feel like I am just trudging through my day :(

1 comment:

  1. hang in there. get it out of your system - keeping this journal is a great idea. re-read when the wolf strikes as you say.