Thursday, January 15, 2015
My definition of me
Why do I worry so much about what other people think of me? After a night of drinking is the worst. Is is also really bad when I am suffering from anxiety and depression between my drinking weekends.
I think part of my path to sobriety is to get over this. Now I am worried about what people will think of me if I don't drink. I am wracking my brain trying to figure out an excuse as to why I don't drink - I am on medication, I can't sleep when I drink, I am taking a break, I need to get back it shape, etc. I know that when I have been at a party and someone is not drinking, it makes me uncomfortable. I may a have a short conversation with them, but then I move on. I don't want to be the one making people uncomfortable. I don't want people to think I am weird or no fun or worse I don't ever want them to know the true extent of my problem. It seems like if they find out, then I am screwed of ever trying to moderate again bc they will look at me either like I am a failure or that I am "at it" again. I would say 90% of the people in my life have no idea the personal torture and anguish alcohol brings to my life bc to them I look like a happy, healthy, productive, fun person. I tell them I'm not drinking and they will look at me like I am crazy. They don't see it all.
I HATE that alcohol is such an accepted drug in our society. It is almost expected that you drink socially and you are looked at as the oddball if you don't. It is just a stupid drug! Someone asked (sorry I can't remember who to give credit) if you look at an ex smoker (which I also am) like "poor them, they can't smoke, they can't control it, that sucks for them" or "good for them, they fought that filthy habit and won!" Its just all so stupid!