It just seems so idiotic to me that I am even considering drinking this weekend. I can surely go at least 30 days (I have gone 255 days before)! I was in so much physical, mental, emotional, spiritual pain one week ago but that little voice is trying to just slip little hints in there.
1st...we are having dinner with my 20 yo daughter who just moved out into an apartment. She is in college but close enough to drive. It is killing me that she doesn't live at home anymore. I am so happy and excited for her, but I feel like I just lost my daughter. I know I haven't, but it is still hard. She wants me to make her lasagna for dinner and I said I would. I already have these visions popping into my head of coming home tonight and cooking with a drink. Two big triggers for me are Friday and cooking so.....I drink. The voice begins..."who cares?...it isn't going to kill you.... you deserve it...it's Friday!...just drink that low alcohol beer so you can control your alcohol level..."
2nd...my sister and her boyfriend have asked us to go to dinner and a movie Saturday night. I have a great time with my sister when we go out.....we drink. The voice is saying, "Who cares...have a glass of wine...it's not like you are going to quit forever anyway....you just had a rough New Years Eve....you always do this - get all over-reactive when you have a hangover....just don't get wasted...what's the big deal...you are strong enough to control this...get a grip..."
3rd...we have been invited next door on Sunday to watch the Bronco game with my drinking neighbors. Neighborhood drinking has really gotten me in trouble over the years because I don't have to drive. I always have a great time with them....we drink. "you're being ridiculous...if you go overboard this weekend, then just quit again next week....you are fine....this is ridiculous....just drink and stop posting,... no one would even know you are struggling again...you haven't told anyone in the real world..."
I am trying to fight back with..."I am not drinking...I can at least give my body 30 days...this is ridiculous...I compiled all of my feeling terrible after drinking posts into one document and it filled 12 pages!...I am sick of living like this...I am going to feel terrible about myself if I give in....I need to do this...I am strong enough...I am worth enough to fight this fight....I can be one f those beacons of light in the world who are are happy sober and don't need alcohol...it is just a stupid drug....children and dogs don't ever drink and are perfectly happy (I know that one sounds stupid but I do think about that)...I felt so much better when I didn't drink...I would be so proud of myself Monday if I don't drink...
While typing the last paragraph I have started tearing up a bit. I think that deep down in my soul I don't think I can do this so I am already so sad about how I am going to feel on Monday. I already have that anxiety and depression creeping in because as much as I say I can do this, I am so scared I can't do it long term let alone this weekend...
3 choices
1. Shut my laptop lid, go about my weekend as usual, forget about all this drinking bullshit and just me normal, have a couple of drinks, assess how I did on Monday and reevaluate.
2. Say that I am going to try to stay sober, but still shut my laptop lid, shut out all of this drama, try to bury all of these feeling in the back of my head and just try to white knuckle it through the weekend. Just pray to God I don't drink and the weekend goes by fast because it is going to suck!
3. Stay close to my mmabsers list and my blog. Write often and a lot. Keep my brain open and thinking. Read my 12 pages of hell ever and over and over. Remind myself what alcohol is doing to my life in general - not just the hangovers but the depressions, anxiety and lethargy. Be obsessed with being sober. I think that might be the ticket. I need to either be obsessed with being sober or I just buy it, stop thinking about it and drink. Remind myself how proud I will feel Monday if I make it.
We will see....
You have to take drinking off the table to be really happy and free. There is no situation made better by alcohol. I know you don't want to believe you are an addict, but only addicts spend this much time thinking about ANYTHING. Why let a substance control you? Go and enjoy your time with your daughter and sister because you love them and enjoy being with them. It needing to involve alcohol reminds me of why I got sober.
ReplyDeleteYou might check out Women For Sobriety. They have an online group that has changed everything for me. There was a post this am about instead of comparing yourself to people that need inpatient detox, get the shakes, drink in the morning, or drink daily; you should compare yourself to someone who never thinks about alcohol, could care less about it, they have a full and awesome life. Looking to the right instead of the left. Steve to be who you want to be instead to comparing yourself to those worse off than you.
ReplyDeleteTry # 3. I am rooting for you. Teachers give a lot of themselves, so give yourself the gift of sobriety.
ReplyDeleteI have followed your blog for a bit, and reading your archives too, sometimes it painful to read about how much the booze hurts you and makes you miserable. In August, you did a post "It is different this time"...and then you disappeared.
I like what Mary is saying.
Another suggestion is don't compare yourself to others but to how you were yesterday and last week and so on. Are you better today than you were yesterday. If you don't drink and work some kind of recovery program be it WFS or AA or church where you reflect and grow, I am sure your life and inner world will get so much better.
If the voice is telling you that one drink won't kill you then it's lying and you know it. While it's true that one drink won't kill you, you and I both know that it's never just one drink...and if it is, then your head won't shut up and stop saying MORE MORE MORE!!!! Fact is - drinking is progressive and fatal. Eventually it will kill you.
ReplyDeleteThis is The Before and it's hell. I hope you choose not to drink. You're worth the effort. And I, for one, believe in you.
Sherry
Sometimes the perceived deprivation is a big part of the problem. Why not get yourself some ingredients for a nice "mocktail" and enjoy the hell out of it while you're making that lasagna! Change the focus on what you can't have to what you will have instead. It worked for me in the early days when my drinking brain kicked in on Friday nights. I made AF margaritas and they were actually pretty good. These days, I no longer feel the need to replace my Friday margaritas, but in the early days, it helped tremendously.
ReplyDeletePerhaps I"m seeing it in more starkly -- you have two choices:
ReplyDelete1. Drink -- play the entire scenario out with hangover, questions about the evening or event, the disappointment in doing it. Clearly you've drank enough to know what scenario one is all about. What do YOU gain making this choice?
2. Don't drink - and embrace it. Right now, you may be comfortable only embracing internally but if you don't embrace your choice not to drink, you will resent it. That's a lot of wasted energy. What do YOU gain making this choice?
It's hard in early days but own it. YOU are worth making the right choice.
You guys are all amazing. You don't even know me but you take the time to write to me, support me, encourage me. I don't know why, but reading all of your posts has gotten me a little teary eyed.
ReplyDeleteGeek you are right. I just love seltzer and grapefruit juice. The next time it gets hard maybe I will just pour that into a wine glass.
Mary - I have been on WFS - can you tell me the name of the online support group you are talking about. I really like the idea of comparing myself to who I want to be instead of who I was. I might right about that if you don't mind.
Get up - you reminded me of how my much I have written about how much alcohol has hurt me. I disappeared in August because I was drinking...
Sherri - Thanks for always being to honest and for reminding me how great it is to not drink. This is the before... It made me cry a little when you said you believe in me. I don't think I believe in me...
Anon - you are right - what do I gain in each experience?
If you go to WFS there is a link that says "online" at the bottom. You click it and it goes to the online group. There are tons of ladies at all different stages of sobriety. Them and the statements saved me....I didn't know how to live sober.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think that would be an awesome topic to write about :) I stole it from the lady on wfs just because it really seemed to apply for you.
ReplyDelete