Where is the fun you?

Well I got through the weekend sober! Yeah!  The only time I had a very slight urge was last night after we had been at my sister's house and we go back to our neighborhood and went to another party. My neighbor (long time drinking buddy) offered me a beer and it was a tiny tempting but not really because it was Sunday evening and that wasn't typically my hard times.  However, if I hadn't quit, I probably would have had a couple at my sister's and then had a couple more over there and would have woken up this morning tired, depressed, anxious and mad. So I did take some time this morning when I woke up to really feel those feelings of pride and sense of accomplishment.  I'm trying not to just blow it off and say, "No big deal" bc it is a big deal that I got through the weekend.  I will be fine now until next weekend.

Anyway, I was sober, which was super nice in the fact that I could actually have a real two sided conversation with people.  I especially made an effort to connect with one of my best friends in the neighborhood that I had been rude to on New Year's Eve.  When I am drinking, I feel that my conversations are very one sided and I get pretty selfish.  I am naturally a talker and when I drink it is a million times worse.  I just talk incessantly - even if no one is listening - hell, I really don'e notice or care if they are listening or not.  I interrupt, don't really listen and get really loud.  I just move around the room "talking" to whomever seems to be having the most fun = aka is just as buzzed as me and won't notice my level of intoxication.  That is not a conscious thought when I am moving in and out of conversations, but I think it is probably the truth. My brain just seems to be in the hyper state when I drink that it can't even slow down for a real conversation.

When I got home from my sister's house, my brother in law (the one who doesn't really drink) sent my a a text asking when the "fun me" was.  My sister also sent me a text saying that I was quiet and was everything ok?  For some reason this really bothered me.  I am a little hyper sensitive to what others think of me. I thought I was fine.  Probably much quieter, but not rude or standoffish or grumpy. I really was in a pretty good mood, just not my normal hyper, buzzed, loud self.  I don't really know what to do about this comment.

Do I want to be a "fun" girl without the alcohol or do I want to redefine myself as a more mature/calm 46 year old?  I feel like I am loosing part of my identity and that people won't have as much fun with me anymore.