Monday, January 12, 2015

Where is the fun you?

Well I got through the weekend sober! Yeah!  The only time I had a very slight urge was last night after we had been at my sister's house and we go back to our neighborhood and went to another party. My neighbor (long time drinking buddy) offered me a beer and it was a tiny tempting but not really because it was Sunday evening and that wasn't typically my hard times.  However, if I hadn't quit, I probably would have had a couple at my sister's and then had a couple more over there and would have woken up this morning tired, depressed, anxious and mad. So I did take some time this morning when I woke up to really feel those feelings of pride and sense of accomplishment.  I'm trying not to just blow it off and say, "No big deal" bc it is a big deal that I got through the weekend.  I will be fine now until next weekend.

Anyway, I was sober, which was super nice in the fact that I could actually have a real two sided conversation with people.  I especially made an effort to connect with one of my best friends in the neighborhood that I had been rude to on New Year's Eve.  When I am drinking, I feel that my conversations are very one sided and I get pretty selfish.  I am naturally a talker and when I drink it is a million times worse.  I just talk incessantly - even if no one is listening - hell, I really don'e notice or care if they are listening or not.  I interrupt, don't really listen and get really loud.  I just move around the room "talking" to whomever seems to be having the most fun = aka is just as buzzed as me and won't notice my level of intoxication.  That is not a conscious thought when I am moving in and out of conversations, but I think it is probably the truth. My brain just seems to be in the hyper state when I drink that it can't even slow down for a real conversation.

When I got home from my sister's house, my brother in law (the one who doesn't really drink) sent my a a text asking when the "fun me" was.  My sister also sent me a text saying that I was quiet and was everything ok?  For some reason this really bothered me.  I am a little hyper sensitive to what others think of me. I thought I was fine.  Probably much quieter, but not rude or standoffish or grumpy. I really was in a pretty good mood, just not my normal hyper, buzzed, loud self.  I don't really know what to do about this comment.

Do I want to be a "fun" girl without the alcohol or do I want to redefine myself as a more mature/calm 46 year old?  I feel like I am loosing part of my identity and that people won't have as much fun with me anymore.


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  2. This is all part of the process. Because we are completely different people when we're drunk, we never get to figure out who we are...who are authentic self is. It takes a while to uncover that.

    I turned out to be a completely different social animal and I am much more relaxed and at peace with who I am now than I ever was before. And that hyper sensitivity to what other people think of you? Yeah...mine is gone. And I feel so much better about it.

    Congrats on making it through the weekend!!!! It really IS A BIG DEAL and you did it!


    1. Thanks! I know! When I quit drinking last time, I was a totally different person also.

  3. Good Job staying strong! I am sorry about the texts. I can imagine that was quite a blow to your "high" from surviving the night. I have felt the exact same way recently, and even had a couple people ask me if I was ok. I felt sort of like a fish out of water. Trying to find my place in this world of drinkers. What helped me get through the many "holiday drinking events" was to just watch people drink. I noticed what they ordered, how they behaved while waiting for their first drink, how long it took them to finish it, how long before they began to behave in a "buzzed" fashion and eventually crossing the line to flat out drunk! . (Not everyone did this - there are some people out there who really can have just one drink! Still amazed by this fact!) All the while I was engaging in the conversations but not necessarily initiating any. As the night went on I began to relax in my safe alcohol free place and then I was ready to leave! It really is a process to find the "new you". I am sure you are a wonderfully, enjoyable person. Do not be fooled into thinking that alcohol makes you better - that is a lie. It does not! You are better, stronger, more clear-headed without it! Just relish in the fact that you are in a safe place from alcohol. Celebrate your daily victories and don't sweat the small stuff! Don't let those comments get in your head -Like we tell our kids - let it go in one ear and out the other! - I read a simple quote the other day - probably on a blog - "Don't believe everything you think!" :-) Oh, and small victory for me - I figured out how to show the blogs I follow on my page - You are the first one listed!

  4. I tried to get on your bog but it says I need to be invited?

  5. Bummer! Does anyone know how to fix that? I have tried and tried to make my blog open but no one can get on! I am about to quit and I REALLY don't want to. Any help is appreciated!