Day 6
Today I am extremely exhausted. I am not sleeping well. I know it will take a few days to be able to sleep after that horrendous hangover.
Today I noticed that even though I am only 6 days in and I have been here before multiple times, something happens to my mood when I am contemplating quitting for good. I still don't feel mentally or physically well, but somehow, somewhere a sense of peace manages to creep in . It is so hard to explain.
When I am in the middle of my weekend drinking periods, trying to manage, trying to moderate, I feel like I am hiding. Hiding behind a veil of insecurity. Almost like I am an impostor, a poser in my own life. I can laugh and fake it and have conversations but they don't feel real - I am talking about Monday -Friday when I am not drinking. Everyone just gets on my nerves and I have no patience. My relationships suffer and I isolate myself. It is almost like I just can't deal with anyone. Everything feels so surface level. I hide.
Then I drink on the weekends and have fun with people and then I go back into hiding. I am a teacher and "I think" a pretty good one. I love my kids and my job. I put everything into them and their families. It is my colleagues and family members that I can't deal with. I have spent a long time blaming everyone else for how I feel, but I really do think it is the alcohol and what putting that depressant into my body every weekend is doing to me.
It took me years to connect how I felt Tuesday to Thursday - exhausted, heart palpitations, anxiety, insomnia, hot flashes to the alcohol. I blamed it on other things - stress, hormones, age, sickness, etc. When I quit for those 255 I just felt so much better both physically and mentally. I was so much more calm, authentic and real. And I never felt like hiding. Maybe the alcohol really is taking a tole on my emotionally as well, even when I am not drinking. I just feel so insecure, unmotivated, behind, out of touch, bitchy, depressed, overwhelmed, impatient, exhausted, frantic, panicky, anxious, worried, confused, scared .........
Oh my God this resonates with me so much!!! I remember at the end of my drinking that I had no tolerance for anything except drinking. I had no patience and all I could think of was how and when I was going to get to drink again. So sad.
ReplyDeleteI thought I was doing a good job at work but now that I look back, I was just phoning it in. I really think that my lack of enthusiasm was part of what led to my lay off. I was blaming everyone else for my problems at work when, all along, it's what was going on inside of me that was the problem.
My health was suffering too but I blamed that on everything else as well. I actually when through a period when every joint in my body hurt so bad I would lay in bed and just cry. I went to the doctor (but of course never confessed how much I was drinking) and he sent me to a rheumatologist when the only thing really wrong was that I drank too much. smh
And you don't have to explain that feeling of peace...I totally get it.
Sherry