So we went skiing yesterday and I did not feel well at all. I couldn't sleep the night before and I felt light headed and nauseous all day. I think it was a form of altitude sickness even thought I live in Colorado and ski once or twice a month. I think my lack of sleep and being out of shape definitely had an impact.
While skiing, and not feeling well, I was having all these thoughts about moderation. They were triggered by one comment my son made on the way up. He said, "Your sister mentioned getting a place in the mountains for President's Day weekend and wanted to know if we wanted to go." That one sentence made me want to moderate. I just didn't feel like I could get excited about the trip unless I allowed myself to drink. I notoriously drink on any kind of vacations. Vacations - or even the thought of them in the future have always derailed my attempts at sobriety in the past.
The thoughts were strong, convincing and exciting! I am going to try again! Yeah! I can look forward to things! I do this every January! I will try harder! I felt that way the rest of the day. I didn't drink yesterday but was excited to in the future.
I just don't get it! What happened to all of my resolve, my hope for more peace? How can one sentence, one thought just derail my whole mindset?
Well I feel better today. I am back to abstinence and in a good place. One thing that helped was an article I read called:
The Likely Cause of Addiction Has Been Discovered, and It Is Not What You Think
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/johann-hari/the-real-cause-of-addicti_b_6506936.html
"Professor Alexander argues this discovery is a profound challenge both to the right-wing view that addiction is a moral failing caused by too much hedonistic partying, and the liberal view that addiction is a disease taking place in a chemically hijacked brain. In fact, he argues, addiction is an adaptation. It's not you. It's your cage."
I really think that is true. I think (because of the article and my thoughts yesterday and my altitude sickness) I really need to get back to the gym, start taking care of myself and learning how to make connections and live life in a more active way. Not just sit on my couch afraid to participate in life because I don't want to drink.
I am going to my sister's for dinner tonight. My choices are
1. Drink = be social, happy, energetic, talkative. (Not a good option because of the mental/emotional/physical implementations)
2. Isolate myself by sitting by myself, being quiet, being not quite sure how to act, uncomfortable (how I usually act sober but maybe not changing my cage)
3. Truly changing my cage - trying to learn a new way to socialize, connect with people, be happy, be comfortable in my own skin (the best option but the hardest to accomplish)
I'm going to try #3. We will see what happens.
4. Breathe, relax and just let it be.
ReplyDeleteYou're going to be alright. Just don't drink.
Sherry