Sunday, January 25, 2015

One Sentence Derailment and Change the Cage

So we went skiing yesterday and I did not feel well at all. I couldn't sleep the night before and I felt light headed and nauseous all day.  I think it was a form of altitude sickness even thought I live in Colorado and ski once or twice a month.  I think my lack of sleep and being out of shape definitely had an impact.

While skiing, and not feeling well, I was having all these thoughts about moderation. They were triggered by one comment my son made on the way up.  He said, "Your sister mentioned getting a place in the mountains for President's Day weekend and wanted to know if we wanted to go."  That one sentence made me want to moderate.  I just didn't feel like I could get excited about the trip unless I allowed myself to drink.  I notoriously drink on any kind of vacations.  Vacations - or even the thought of them in the future have always derailed my attempts at sobriety in the past.  

The thoughts were strong, convincing and exciting!  I am going to try again! Yeah!  I can look forward to things!  I do this every January!  I will try harder!  I felt that way the rest of the day.  I didn't drink yesterday but was excited to in the future.  

I just don't get it!  What happened to all of my resolve, my hope for more peace?  How can one sentence, one thought just derail my whole mindset?  

Well I feel better today.  I am back to abstinence and in a good place. One thing that helped was an article I read called:

The Likely Cause of Addiction Has Been Discovered, and It Is Not What You Think

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/johann-hari/the-real-cause-of-addicti_b_6506936.html

The article talks about that addiction is really about isolation and remaining in our own cage of despair and loneliness. It says:

"Professor Alexander argues this discovery is a profound challenge both to the right-wing view that addiction is a moral failing caused by too much hedonistic partying, and the liberal view that addiction is a disease taking place in a chemically hijacked brain. In fact, he argues, addiction is an adaptation. It's not you. It's your cage."


I really think that is true.  I think (because of the article and my thoughts yesterday and my altitude sickness) I really need to get back to the gym, start taking care of myself and learning how to make connections and live life in a more active way. Not just sit on my couch afraid to participate in life because I don't want to drink.


I am going to my  sister's for dinner tonight.  My choices are


1. Drink = be social, happy, energetic, talkative. (Not a good option because of the mental/emotional/physical implementations)


2.  Isolate myself by sitting by myself, being quiet, being not quite sure how to act, uncomfortable (how I usually act sober but maybe not changing my cage)


3.  Truly changing my cage - trying to learn a new way to socialize, connect with people, be happy, be comfortable in my own skin (the best option but the hardest to accomplish)


I'm going to try #3.  We will see what happens.

1 comment:

  1. 4. Breathe, relax and just let it be.

    You're going to be alright. Just don't drink.

    Sherry

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