Sunday, January 25, 2015

1/25/15 (Sun) - One Sentence Derailment and Change the Cage

So we went skiing yesterday and I did not feel well at all. I couldn't sleep the night before and I felt light headed and nauseous all day.  I think it was a form of altitude sickness even thought I live in Colorado and ski once or twice a month.  I think my lack of sleep and being out of shape definitely had an impact.

While skiing, and not feeling well, I was having all these thoughts about moderation. They were triggered by one comment my son made on the way up.  He said, "Your sister mentioned getting a place in the mountains for President's Day weekend and wanted to know if we wanted to go."  That one sentence made me want to moderate.  I just didn't feel like I could get excited about the trip unless I allowed myself to drink.  I notoriously drink on any kind of vacations.  Vacations - or even the thought of them in the future have always derailed my attempts at sobriety in the past.  

The thoughts were strong, convincing and exciting!  I am going to try again! Yeah!  I can look forward to things!  I do this every January!  I will try harder!  I felt that way the rest of the day.  I didn't drink yesterday but was excited to in the future.  

I just don't get it!  What happened to all of my resolve, my hope for more peace?  How can one sentence, one thought just derail my whole mindset?  

Well I feel better today.  I am back to abstinence and in a good place. One thing that helped was an article I read called:

The Likely Cause of Addiction Has Been Discovered, and It Is Not What You Think

The article talks about that addiction is really about isolation and remaining in our own cage of despair and loneliness. It says:

"Professor Alexander argues this discovery is a profound challenge both to the right-wing view that addiction is a moral failing caused by too much hedonistic partying, and the liberal view that addiction is a disease taking place in a chemically hijacked brain. In fact, he argues, addiction is an adaptation. It's not you. It's your cage."

I really think that is true.  I think (because of the article and my thoughts yesterday and my altitude sickness) I really need to get back to the gym, start taking care of myself and learning how to make connections and live life in a more active way. Not just sit on my couch afraid to participate in life because I don't want to drink.

I am going to my  sister's for dinner tonight.  My choices are

1. Drink = be social, happy, energetic, talkative. (Not a good option because of the mental/emotional/physical implementations)

2.  Isolate myself by sitting by myself, being quiet, being not quite sure how to act, uncomfortable (how I usually act sober but maybe not changing my cage)

3.  Truly changing my cage - trying to learn a new way to socialize, connect with people, be happy, be comfortable in my own skin (the best option but the hardest to accomplish)

I'm going to try #3.  We will see what happens.

1 comment:

  1. 4. Breathe, relax and just let it be.

    You're going to be alright. Just don't drink.