1/5/15 (Mon) Disastrous vacation (most scary ever) - Day 5

Didn't sleep well last night - dreamt that someone was in the my house and I was really scared.  Also had the same dream I have many times a week - that I am running from something. It is always something different, but always running and usually without being ablr to find my underwear for my suitcase.

I want to put in the record how I have been doing since rereading all the BS sometimes helps me.

Tried to quit again last August when I almost destroyed my marriage, my family, my life because of the intense anxiety, depression , panic attacks and sleep deprevation that come from over drinking too many days in a row.

Had a couple of really embarrassing moments over the summer on the all inclusive vacation that I was so worried about last January when I once again swore off alcohol and quit for all of 19 days.

I threw a complete temper tantrum about two rooms we had.  It had a right to be uspet, but my reaction was again just so over the top.  Both my dh and I had been drinking so it became this fight about us the second time.  The first time he just tried to calm me down and tell me everything was ok. It was embarrassing in front of my kids.

We also went to the mountains for a skiing weekend and the hotel which I was so excited to stay at was having their pool renovated.  I of course had been drinking before we got there and I just about lost my mind.  I became "that person" that was practically yelling at the reservationist.  I was "that person" that everyone stopped and looked at.  I had one of my first full on panic attacks where I freaked out and then ran away. I sat our by the river and cried. Partially because I was so mad and partially because I was humiliated by my own behavior - especially in front of my kids.  Of course, I brush it off trying to explain the shit out of why I was so upset to them and that it was all for them - that I was trying to give them a perfect weekend and the hotel screwed it up.  In reality, I was the one screwing up their weekend.

Drank pretty consistently on the weekends all fall. Depression increasing again.  Just blocking everything and everyone out. Just doing what I need to to so get by.

Thanksgiving - drank Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

Christmas Break

Friday - did not drink - dog was attacked by a coyote and had to take him to the vet - he is OK thank goodness.  Also wanted this break to be different
Saturday - went to Zoo Lights - drank these mini margarita things in the car (not driving) before we got there.  Just trying to guzzle it down hoping my 16 yo son in back seat didn't notice.  Drank cider and Fireball at the zoo.  Really the only one drinking (10 of us went) but laughing about how "cider balls" was going to be our new drink.
Tuesday - decorated cookies with sister and family.  Drank wine and then had some coffee Kahlua. Kept going to the kitchen to sneak more in my coffee cup, lying about what was in it while watching Polar Express.
Wednesday - Christmas Eve - did well for a while but then slammed four beers in about 2 hours at the end.
Thursday - Had everyone over.  Pretty much drank wine all day
Friday - Felt really crappy but still drank wine in the evening.
Saturday - Went to the mountains for my dd 20 birthday.  Again slammed mini margaritas all the way up there (wasn't driving). Continued to drink all night - was really loud at the restaurant.  Apparently my daughter and her boyfriend had also done shots earlier but I was to wasted to notice.  Mother of the year award!
Sunday - Only drank 2 drinks - felt crappy from the day before.
Monday - Came home - drank wine in the evening - needed to rid of the bottles.
Tuesday - Drank wine in the evening - needed to rid of the bottles.
Wednesday - New Years Eve - a ton of drama with my sister - went to dinner and to see a movie - drank too much - went over to a neighbor's house at 11:30 and stayed until 4:30 AM! Super depressed that day because my 20 dd moved out.  Instead of being super happy and proud of her (which I am), it was about how sad I was to be losing her.  I just sobbed in my pillow when she left.

Now for the scary part
New Years Eve - I was a person I did not recognize - I was so rude and mean to my friend.  All of my frustrations just came exploding out of my mouth.  I have never been like that to a friend before.  I texted her the next day to apologize.  When I went to bed that night, looked in the mirror and seriously did not recognize myself.  It was the weirdest thing to look in the mirror and be so wasted that you truly are confused at what you are seeing.  I just stared for the longest time. I literally tore my clothes off and slammed my myself into bed.  I was experiencing an anger that I had only felt a few times in my life - always when overdrinkng.  The scariest thing for me is that they are becoming more frequent (probably 5 in the last year - 5 in my whole life previously) and they were destroying my relationships and my own sense of worth.  What is happening to me?