From Anne - "Bottom is when you stop digging." Thanks for that I needed that today.
I was much less nervous this time. I even shared a bit. It is weird that I can be sitting in a room full of meth addicts, cocaine addicts, weed addicts and alcohol addicts and we all speak the same language to varying degrees. I wouldn't think I would have anything in common with a meth addict, but sometimes he says stuff that I find myself nodding my head to.
On the other hand, I kind of find myself feeling not as bad as anyone else in the room. Many, maybe all, of the participants are court ordered. They refer to DUIs or court hearings or just getting out of inpatient. They talk about isolating in their house and using all day every day. They talk about losing family members and jobs and licences. They are needing to get paper work filled out. My mind keeps going to, "What am I doing here? I am not this bad. Geez, I am not going to talk about myself...they will just secretly laugh."
I try to remind myself exactly what Anne said - my bottom is when I stop digging. The therapist said that I will only get worse...so I try to stop rationalizing bc that will lead me to drinking and be proud of myself that I am getting help before I did get to the place many of these people have gotten to. Maybe they were all where I am at one point and wished they would have gotten help sooner. When I mentioned that everything in my neighborhood focuses on alcohol, one lady was totally nodding her head. She said that they even play kickball with a cigarette in one hand and a drink in the other. She said it is great fun, until you get stopped for a DUI on your way home. Now she is facing a court appearance on Monday and is scared her licence will be revoked. That really could have been me on numerous occasions. In fact one of our neighbors asked us to join an Bocci ball team with him. He even said, we drink as much as we play lol. That so could have been me or could be me in the future. Do I really need to have the legal troubles these people have before I stop drinking?
I can't imagine the shame I would feel if in her situation. How I would have let down my kids, my husband, my family, most of all...myself. How embarrassed I would be. How mad I would be at myself. It would be just horrible. It almost makes me cry to think about it. I need to stop trying to fool myself. That is exactly where I was headed. Plus, these women look a little rough around the edges. Alcohol certainly doesn't do anything for your appearance.
Yesterday was about support groups. There was a discussion about AA and about other different types of groups. They were talking about sponsors and having someone to call. I asked about SMART meetings and someone said that you need to have someone to call. I said that I didn't think I would call anyone, I just need to figure out how to deal with my own addictive voice through CBT. The therapist then said, straight to me, that I really should consider joining some other type of group when I am finished with IOP. She said that it is helpful because (1) it gives yo a place to talk to people that truly understand what you are going through and (2) it gives your family a break from hearing about it. I really heard that. She is right...my family doesn't really get it and I do feel like it is a worrisome burden for them sometimes to always listen to me bc I do need someone to talk to. Even though it really scares me to join an outside group, I will think about it. Everything I have done so far was all super scary and I have survived.
Also, I really liked this therapist so I scheduled an appt with her for next Tuesday. Four appt/meetings in four days! That was a lot to handle. Now I get a break for the weekend. It will be interesting to see how I feel on Monday morning.
I'm just checking in on your blog for the first time this week--wow! What an amazing string of entries. It's awesome that you're pushing yourself out of your comfort zone to find help for yourself. I am so proud of you!
ReplyDeleteAnd...I think your counselor is right about finding some ongoing group support. It was very helpful to me for a couple of reasons. The first was, yes, it was such a relief and so helpful to be about to talk about recovery with people who really "got it." Seriously, that was huge. Another thing that was helpful was to have some friends who could model sober living. Like you, I was surrounded by drinkers (they didn't drink like I drank, but still...alcohol was involved in every get together). I really didn't know how to navigate that long-term. It was so so helpful to spend some time around happy people with years of sobriety--it was like having a touch stone to prove to myself that I really could live this way and not be "missing out". I also actually find it helpful to be around people new to sobriety who are still reeling from their bottoms...and people who went much further down the path before they quit (DUIs, hospitalizations, loss of families etc...) They "keep it green" for me--reminding me of all I still have to lose if I go back to drinking.
Anyway--keep up the good work. You are an inspiration!
Lulu
Hi Lena ! So glad you are getting help. We have smart meetings where I live and I know all you have to do is find the locations on line and show up. I went To one once and there were only two people! They said that the other locations got more people. I was thinking of going today since my family is out of town and it can stay secret. Keep posting I really relate to you and check your blog daily!
ReplyDeleteYes. Take the advice seriously. And remember, just because your dad had a bad experience with aa doesn’t mean you won’t.
ReplyDeleteLook into she recovers as well. They have coaches and retreats and are an amazing bunch.
But aa is free and easy and might just get you going.
I often think about myself and how glad I am that I quit before I had problems. In fact, the fact that I still had everything and looked together meant that sometimes I had to defend my decision to choose sobriety. But over the years I find I am quickly able to say that my alcohol use had become compulsive and tiring and that I was drowning.
people respect that and respect that I have made the effort to change. Too many had parents who drank and see me as a gift to my kids.
I couldn’t have lived with the shame of a DUI. I’m forever grateful to myself that I didn’t wait for that.
Hugs and so much love and hugs resoect for your sharing.
Anne
I too am so happy you are sharing your story. I never had a DUI either, but as they say, I was a “yet”. I didn’t have a DUI yet, I didn’t lose a job yet. I didn’t get divorced yet. But I could see that my drinking was making my life miserable.
ReplyDeleteLike Anne, I have more respect for myself!
xo
Wendy