I was reading this article in my Facebook feed this morning. He saus at the end,"Even if I fail, I'll remember that on that day I succeeded. If I did it then, I can do it again."
http://www.humansofnewyork.com/post/174919798066/obama-had-been-president-for-six-days-the-old
If if you search it in Facebook there are 2,400 comments left by people who have been effected by addiction. I only got through a couple hundred but most were others talking about their sobriety birthday and how grateful they are for making the decision and sticking to it. One person said, "Remain guarded for the unguarded situation." I like that because it is that "unguarded" situation, that all of a sudden, intense craving that makes me cave...that I don;t seem to be prepared for.
Another person talked about a rock bottom. It got me to thinking about my "rock bottom." In the past I have wished that I would have a serious heart problem, developed breast cancer or been diagnosed with some terrible illness that made it really stupid for me to drink....and gave me and everyone around me a definitive reason as to why I had to quit. I guess, in all honesty, I wanted people to be proud of me for not drinking bc of some bigger issue than to think I was a broken person with an addiction. I also have, in the past, wished I would have a seizure from withdrawals...in front of someone, no less, so there was proof. It would be proof to myself that I really was "that bad" and proof to everyone else that I wasn't just making my problem up in my head...that it wasn't my latest obsession or that I was giving myself anxiety about drinking bc I wanted to...not bc I was addicted.
Maybe that could be a type of rock bottom...when you wished there was something seriously wrong with you to give you and everyone else "proof" that you are "that bad" and that you need to quit. It's kind of ridiculous.
I would love to hear what all of you think your "rock bottom" was?
Also, feel so much better than last Sunday :)
The vast majority of the women I know in recovery didn't have a "rock bottom" - they got "sick and tired of being sick and tired" and took steps to change. The definition of insanity "doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results" finally starts to sink in and you have to change, try new things (therapists, AA, mindfulness, living in the the present, learning to sit with uncomfortable cravings and feelings) - whatever it takes - just don't take the first sip of alcohol - every day, repeat, the days add up and it gets easier...
ReplyDeleteI certainly am sick and tired of being sick and tired
DeleteI used to look for support from my family (husband mainly) and then I realized that I did better with support from outside, from someone who had the same voice in their head telling them to drink. Someone who truly understands what it’s like. I agree with the sick and tired of being sick and tired comments above. Rock bottoms are subjective. One person’s rock bottom won’t be enough trouble to stop a different person and vice versa. In the end it doesn’t matter. If alcohol is giving you physical or mental trouble, then it’s time to stop. And if you can’t stop on your own, then it’s time to get help from someplace.
ReplyDeleteI think I have realized that as well. Either they try to make me feel better "you aren't that bad" which doesn't help, they don't get it, "why can't you just stop at 2" or they don't know what to say and feel uncomfortable
DeleteThere’s an AA commercial that shows a mom laying on th couch with the kids in the background looking at her, kind of scared.
ReplyDeleteI felt like I was becoming that mom. Drinking on the couch. Useless. Sad. And maybe a little scary.
It broke my heart to think that’s what my kids would grow up with. So I changed.
Of course, it wasn’t that easy, but it was worth it.
Hugs
Anne
That certainly was my initial reason for wanting to quit. I want my kids to view me as being strong by standing up to this.
DeleteGood to hear you are feeling better than last Sunday. I didn't have a "rock bottom" a such, I was just tired of feeling "less than".
ReplyDeleteLess than the person I used to be, less than the person I though I was in my mind and less than the person that I deserved to be. I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way :-)
Yes...less than the person I know I can be
DeleteMy rock bottom was waking up one morning in so much pain and anxiety that I could not hide it. I cried and told my family that I was in hell and could not drink anymore and that I needed some time away. I felt like I needed to do something different. I told them all, in tears that I needed help. I was always afraid to rock the boat or be anything other than the one with her shit together, so I caused the tiniest bit of drama with this announcement. I didn’t have insurance to go to rehab but I drove halfway across the country with my little dog and stayed on my best friends’ couch for five weeks thinking about where my life had been and where it was heading. This felt really big and dramatic at the time but looking back it was the greatest gift to myself and what I needed to reset. When I left to go to my friend’s house, I felt positively dead inside. When I went home I told my friends I didn’t drink anymore and realized the girls I thought were my closest friends were only drinking buddies. I tried once to go out with them to a bar and NOT drink and I sat there bored while realizing that they were excitedly talking over eachother about TOILET PAPER. Literally, the brands they use, like it was so interesting! My friend blacked out that night and I left and she texted me apologizing the next morning but I could tell our friendship was forever changed because alcohol was the glue that stuck us together and even though we had been very close, we just never spoke again! It was insane and mind blowing and painful, but nowhere near the pain of the feeling that my soul had left my body the really bad last few drinks.
ReplyDeleteI drank a few more times after that, always because I felt I HAD to go to this wedding or HAD to host some BBQ. It was bullshit, I finally hunkered down and only ever got to 90 days once and never looked back.
Your story resonates with me because I loved a party and felt like every day was so much more fun with this “party” at the end of it even if I was the only guest it was good enough for me! Now on the other side of it I see how sad that girl was. After a year of sobriety, I learned to laugh again. I am now over four years sober and still discovering new gifts. Like being a super dependable friend and wife and mom and employee. Not needing to be the drunken star of the show. I find it more fun to leave the party at a respectable hour and giggle with my husband about who was the best/worst dressed on the way home. I can lay in bed and pet my dog and making this tiny beautiful useless creature feel happy and it makes me feel so good. It’s easier to sit back and witness the simple beauty in the world being sober. When I drank all I ever did was let my inner child out who wanted to be the star of the show every where we went and it was pretty limiting in terms of my enjoyment of/my contributions to this world. There is so much to be enjoyed and I think if you’re someone who drinks like we do it takes over (the obsession) and makes the really good stuff impossible to see - everything seems
so boring and blah in comparison but alcohol just is a soul sucking substance parading around in a glittery cape on center stage and once you get far enough away from your last drink, I am sure you will start to recognize that! I comment because it breaks my heart that anyone is stuck in that cycle because it is SO SO SO SO much better on this side. Which is why I occasionally lurk the internet and comment to people who are still in those
shitty days because they are so godawful painful! sending you love and strength you can do this!
make waves girl, and then hunker down!
I could have written your first paragraph (except for the leaving for 5 weeks part). I also had a hard time shattering the image I had built for myself of always being the "put together" sister. I also have experienced a lot of what you describe with your drinking buddies once you got sober. I guess their relationship with alcohol was more important than their relationship with you...sad...and drunk people can get super annoying. Thank you for the third paragraph. We seem very much alike and it is super encouraging to hear how someone who sounds very similar to me can be living such a happier life in sobriety. I REALLY appreciate the time it took you to write such a long comment. It really spoke to me.
DeleteIf anything, choosing sobriety has only improved my stature as the sister with it together.
DeleteI am an honest and responsible person now. And I am much kinder and approachable because I’m not trying to protect an image.
I so needed to read this to keep me on my path. 3 weeks...
ReplyDeleteYay for 3 weeks!
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