6/26/18 Initial 4 Hour Evaluation

Well...that was really hard and exhausting and took four hours but I'm glad I went.

First I met with an addiction counselor. He listened to my history even through my tears. It was really hard to admit to a stranger how long I have struggled and how hard it has been. He was a pretty straight shooter, which is good for me. He suggested that I stop trying to figure out the "why" of the problem and instead focus on the solution to the problem. He also said that my "rock bottom" was when I made that call to Kaiser. I was on such a dark place, was so sure I was quitting the day before, started rationalizing why I could drink that weekend and had an anxiety attack from all of it.  He is correct because in  a moment of mental crisis I just picked up the phone and called before I could change my mind - much like how I pick up a beer, in a moment of mental crisis, before I can change my mind. It felt the same - Just do it! Quick! Do it! Before you change your mind! Like there are two voices in my head fighting with each other.

He recommended an intensive outpatient program consisting of 3 hour group sessions focusing on early recovery and relapse prevention 3 times a week for 4 weeks.  That sounds like a lot of time and pretty scary but I'm going to do whatever I need to do to get better. Those appointments are Mon, Wed and Fri starting tomorrow.

He also got me set up with a therapist for individual therapy. My first appt with her this Thursday.

Then I saw a psychiatrist. He was very matter of fact and to the point. A little rough around the edges but we communicated well.  We had a long talk about medication and addiction vs mental issues. His opinion was that fixing the mental issues will not fix the addiction and fixing the addiction will not fix the mental issues.  Both need to be dealt with independently but at the same time. He said I am an alcoholic. When he saw my reaction, he said - call it what you want but alcohol causes you problems.
We talked about naltrexone which I have tried before and didn't like. We talked about antibuse which shocked me. I seriously don't think I am to that point. We agreed that if all this therapy doesn't keep me from drinking, then we can discuss going to that.

We also talked about how my mind works, how I obsess about everything, constantly worry and ruminate on things, get completely distracted and go down rabbit holes. Also my mood and energy swings. He said that he doesn't think it sounds like bipolar but more like OCD and anxiety. He asked if I would be willing to take Zoloft for a little while to help my brain calm down without the alcohol. He said I don't need to be on it forever just maybe for a little bit to get through this initial stage.  I agreed and have another appointment with him next Friday to see how that is going.

That means I have at least 7 appointments in the next 10 days. That seems a little ridiculous but whatever it takes, right?

Oh, also, my first breathalyzer test.  Kind of embarrassing.