6/22/18 Blood Work and Drug/Alcohol Test

I went to Kaiser yesterday for the liver function/drug screen as required to start the process.  I was a little embarrassed as I am sure the phlebotomist could see what I was getting tested for but I just sat there, did it and went home.

I'm not gonna lie, there is part of me that wanted to call the whole thing off - probably because I have't drank in 13 days and feel better. Not because I want to drink but because I feel like I can do it without all the tests and therapy and time involved. It's simple...just don;t drink for a year and then see if there is any mental health issues that need to be addressed.  I was pretty close to canceling, but then I remembered why I made  the appt in the first place. Not only bc of the feeling of sadness, defeat and anxiety I was feeling last week but also the real reason....I don't need to figure out how to stop drinking, I need to figure out how to stay stopped.  I printed my history post to bring with me and it reminded me just how many times I have tried to be sober for one year and how many times I have failed and what that is dong to my soul. So I'm going to keep the appt. What can it hurt? Right?

Yesterday I had another thought which might be helpful. When I stop drinking I usually say to myself that it is to let my body heal. I'm not sure that is super helpful as, after a couple of weeks, my body feels just fine. I think a better phrase might be - to let my mind heal. My mind is not ok and I do worry about the long term effects of alcohol use on memory, mental illness and cognitive functioning.

Also, I told my neighbor we can't go to the cabin next weekend.  I just told her my dh had to work. I don't feel like getting into all the alcohol stuff and does it really matter what she says?  I just need to not go.