6/20/18 Alcohol Voice Whispering

Two things happened yesterday that caused my AV (addicted voice) to start whispering at me. First, I was talking about my appointment next week with my son. He asked if I was still going to keep the appt.  I have not drank in 10 days and he knows that after a few days I feel better and change my plans to stay sober. I told him yes.  He then asked "to find out why you can't moderate?" That question caught me off guard for a second. My AV said,"Well, maybe. That actually sounds like a good idea. You actually aren't an alcoholic just a problem drinker so why not? Why not use the therapy to see if it can help you moderate?"  Bam! One question and my brain had rationalized drinking again, out of the blue. 30 seconds previously I was still set in my sober plan. It totally caught me off guard. I thought about it for a second and responded, "I know why I can't moderate....because I am addicted to alcohol. I don't need a therapist to tell me that and it isn't going to change. I'm not ever going to get un-addicted to alcohol. No, I am not going to see why I can't moderate!  I am going to see why I can't stay quit." He just looked at me like "Wow...ok...sorry I asked".  He meant well, he just didn't expect that strong of a response.

Second, my neighbor asked me, "Hey, so you guys are coming up to the cabin next weekend, right?" What? I don't remember saying that. She said, "At the bar 2 weeks ago, you said you guys wanted to come up the weekend before the 4th." Well, I don't remember saying it, but I'm sure I did. I had had a few beers that night and I do like going to their cabin...when drinking. They ask us all the time and I kinda feel like we should, but they are both pretty heavy drinkers. I am pretty sure he is an alcoholic who drinks almost everyday and many times until wasted.  She drink a lot because of her husband, but I know she doesn't like drinking as much as she does and worries about him. I adore her and consider her one of my good friends. I have hung out with her sober before. She knows I struggle with alcohol and is always supportive of me when I'm not drinking. Anyway, that question made my AV whisper, "To bad the cabin trip isn't before the therapy appt. You could just say...one last time. . It would be hard to justify after the appt. Who cares. It would be fun. Besides you aren't an alcoholic anyways. You aren't that bad. Just only drink light beer and be super careful. You're a big girl. Do what you want. Who cares what anyone thinks. Just prove to them you can moderate. One more hangover and you will quit forever. Just be more careful. Go...have fun!"

OMG! Shut up! I don't want to drink and I am sick of listening to it! My addictive voice just waits for a little crack to form (one small question) and then squeezes its way into by thoughts. Man, I'm going to need to build a wall with NO cracks.

I don't know what to do about the cabin trip. My dh can go either way. Regardless, I will need to talk to my friend. I think I will talk to her and explain that I am not drinking...again...she is used to it....and that my concern about going is that I will be tempted to drink.  I do want to go (I love going to the mountains) and have a fun sober experience (try to build those new sober pathways) but am also worried that it is too soon and I will be wanting to drink the whole time. It might be stressful and upsetting that I can't. Maybe I will decide after I see what she has to say. If she says, "Ok, I understand. Maybe next time" then I won't go. To me that means she cares more about drinking than about hanging out with me. She doesn't want me to be a buzz killer. I don't judge, bc as unsupportive as it sounds, that is totally something I would have said.  If she says, "That's ok, just bring up your seltzer waters and don't drink. It doesn't matter to me" I will have to think about it bc that means she won't push it on me but that she will still be drinking which might be hard for me. The best thing she could say would be "Cool, I won't drink with you" but I doubt that will happen. We will see.