A feeling that I have when sober is really hard to explain, but I'm going to try. When I am sober and am certain I will stay sober (not battling myself about when I'm going to drink next or worrying about some upcoming event) my mind makes a shift. I am talking about how I feel in this state compared to how I feel when sober but actively drinking on the weekends. I am not talking about my super selfish, conversation dominating, egotistical, socially incompetent, self serving buzzed self, but when I am sober for those few days in between the weekends.
It is almost like I see the world a bit differently. I am way more likely to text an encouraging message to a friend when I think they might need it. I am more patient and able to hold my tongue when I want to say something snarky to a family member. I actually think about a place we could go next weekend for dinner to try something new. I feel more content to just have a calm conversation with someone. It is so weird and hard to explain. There is a calming sense to not drinking and knowing you aren't going to drink. Something opens up in my mind, frees up space, allows my thoughts to untangle, allows me to thing about others things and just be a better person..more compassionate, empathetic, accommodating, selfless and patient.
When I am sober, but drinking, it is almost like I have ADHD inside my head. Like I don't want to focus on anything for too long. I think about sending that encouraging text, but then procrastinate and never do it. Why is that? Why do I procrastinate about everything when sober but drinking even when not hungover? I am super reactionary and then just blow off what I say because either "who cares..it wasn't a big deal" or "they deserved it". Or I am super hesitant to make any sort of plans for the following weekend because something "better" (by better I mean some sort of fun drinking activity) might come up and then I have already committed to something that might not be as fun (by fun I mean drinking) and feel bad for breaking it or mad I couldn't do the "drinking activity". It's almost like the only thing I could really focus on was the alcohol. The researching, blogging, reading, analyzing the past, worrying about the future, getting excited about drinking, drinking, recovering from drinking, worrying about drinking, beating myself up, trying to do better. It kinds feels like I was codependent on myself. My addiction was my life. It was woven through every thought I had (good or bad), any plans I was making, and certainly how I thought/felt about myself.
I think I have been addicted to being addicted. Codependent on my own dependency.
Does that make sense?
See a professional therapist or addiction counselor. There are many well meaning people in recovery (long and short term) reading your blog that can give advice on what worked for them but don't necessarily have the credentials on addiction research/studies. This feels like another avenue for deflection/procrastination about your alcohol abuse disorder. You have been blogging about this for a long time and seem to end up right back where you started... Get help - you are worth it, change is possible.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your honesty, but did you see my post from a few days ago? I am getting help.
DeleteMost alcoholics have addictive tendencies. We are over doers. It bleeds into other parts of our lives, not just drinking. But drinking is the one aspect that needs to be removed to start working on the rest. You can’t be sober and drinking.
ReplyDeleteIt’s good to see this in yourself. Your therapist will help you recognize why those behaviours exist.
I totally relate to this. When you are concrete sober and not drinking the decision has been made and you feel free in your mind. Everything is so much easier to deal with. I agree I have add when I’m trying to be sober- but still drinking. I can’t even focus on binge watching my favorite shows. I can’t settle down. Unfortunately for me knowing this doesn’t really help. I still drink and wish I didn’t. I’ll be interested in how your therapy goes. Thanks for posting.
ReplyDelete