Thursday, June 14, 2018
6/14/18 Called For Help
I just called Kaiser and asked to make an appointment to get some help. I was frighteningly honest about having anxiety/depression/mild bipolar but also have some major issues with alcohol and that I didn't know which was causing which. She asked me if I would rather see an addiction specialist or a behavior therapist for the other issues. I started crying and said that I don't know which is causing which but I KNOW that nothing will get better as long as I continue to drink and that after 10+ years of seriously trying, I have come to the heart wrenching conclusion that I don't know if I can fix myself by myself. I am just sitting here crying. I don't feel relieved. I feel terrified. I am also scared that since I can't be seen for 2 weeks, I will change my mind about even needing help and cancel the appt.
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I was terrified to ask for help and did waffle a few times - finally getting help was one of the best decisions of my life! You can do this. Go to an AA meeting in the meantime. You will meet kind, supportive people who know what you are going through and will support you!
ReplyDeleteIt's good to hear others were terrified to get help as well. There is something about AA that scares me. I think I just have this stigma, this image in my head that if I go to AA than I am "that" bad. i know it is stupid...
DeleteWhatever you do, please keep this appointment. Also, you can tell the therapist to call you if there are any cancellations.
ReplyDeleteI can only tell you about my experience. Not trying to diagnose or suggest treatment options for anxiety/depression/bipolar. While drinking, I became very depressed because I was struggling with alcohol. I was diagnosed with depression. Shortly after that, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. When the medications were not working, I sought another opinion. I was then diagnosed with anxiety disorder. Again, medications were not working...third opinion sought, I was diagnosed as bipolar and it was suggested that I start lithium. That’s when I had enough! I knew i needed to step away from the booze to understand what my actual baseline was.
I quit drinking for a year. I’m ok. I have normal ups and downs, but I do not have anxiety disorder. I do not have a diagnoses of depression. I am not bipolar. But I am an alcoholic. Alcohol does horrible things to my brain chemistry.
I’m sober now. I love it. I am thankful. I relapsed after a year and quickly sobered up. I’m not perfect. I’m thankful to be sober again after that. Life is so much easier.
Also, medicating any mental disorder while drinking is never s good idea. Lastly, I can’t see how a person can have an accurate diagnosis while drinking in excess.
See the therapist. Sober up and get a baseline.
You and I went through MM together. I did it. You can do this. You have been sober before and you were so much better off.
Brian
Thanks, Brian, for all of that insight. I do agree with you. I really don;t want them putting me on any medication until I have been sober for awhile. It would be nice, if possible, to feel mentally healthy without the aid of any drug. I also think alcohol does terrible things to my brain chemistry.
DeleteAlso, good to hear form you Brian. I am glad you are doing well
DeleteI am so proud of you! You took a really big step today. No doubt you’re feeling overwhelmed - you’ve finally said out loud what your heart, head and body have been telling you. I love the suggestion that you get yourself to an AA meeting(s) in the meantime. Anywhere you can get support is a good place. I’m rooting for you and sending you all kinds of strength and healing thoughts. I think a lot of us are. Big hugs from 1 year + me. Melissa
ReplyDeleteThanks, Melissa. Thank you for sending me the good thoughts and support. I think I might need it :)
DeleteYay! Good job, Ksus! I don't think you'll cancel the appointment--I think that there's a large enough part of you that wants to at least hear what an addiction counselor has to say, that you'll go for a visit. Think of all the questions you're always throwing out to the blogosphere! Sitting down with an expert might be very reassuring. If that crazy addict voice starts preaching doom and gloom about this upcoming appointment and getting your anxiety going, reassure it that all you're going to do is sit down for a chat in a cozy room with an understanding person (who has heard your story and much worse a million times!)
ReplyDeleteTons of people see counselors for periods of time to deal with all sorts of issues. I never saw an addiction counselor, but I recently started going to see one for another reason. I was so nervous at first--but it was all fine. I've gone several times now, and some sessions are more pleasant than others, but the whole process is not at all the big scary thing I'd built it up to be.
I'm so encouraged to see you trying something new in this struggle!
xo,
Lulu
Thank, Lulu. I don't think I am scared to actually see the therapists. It is more about being scared of what that means...that I have taken the next step to never drinking again. I think that is what really scares me. It will be nice to get an objective opinion of what is wrong with me, tho
DeleteThere’s nothing “wrong “ with you. Just like there’s nothing “wrong” with me. We drink too much and it screws with our brain chemistry. We just can’t drink like everyone else no matter how hard we try. It is soul sucking for us.
ReplyDeleteThis is so very hard and maddening. Try a newcomers meeting at AA. You’d be surprised how many of us there are out there. You may have to try different meetings until you find one you’re comfortable with. Keep us posted. Congrats on taking the first big step
Call back. Tell them you are struggling. See whoever can see you.
ReplyDeleteMove ahead while you feel motivated.
Anne is exactly right. Don't let one random Kaiser employee control your destiny. You must self-advocate. Push, push, push. You would do it for your daughter. You would do it for your son. Do it for yourself.
ReplyDelete