6/28/18 Told My Sister and Mother

Yesterday I sent the following text to my sister and my mother.

Yesterday I went to a four hour chemical dependence appointment downtown.  I saw a therapist and a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with moderate alcohol use disorder, OCD and anxiety. They want me to complete an intensive outpatient program (three hours a day, three times a week for the next four weeks), see a personal therapist once a week for the next four weeks along with a couple of psychiatric appointments and medication.  I just wanted you to know. I've been in a pretty dark place in my own head for a very long time and I am sick of it. Even thought it scares me to death and is going to be hard, I decided to ask for help. 

I wasn't quite sure how they were going to respond.  I was worried my sister would be like - oh brother, she is so dramatic and my mom would just be like - well we all have our problems.

The responses were better than I expected.

From my mom, "I am so thankful you have reached out for help. I know this has been going on for a very long time and has been difficult for you. It is hard for people that don't have the same issues to walk in your shoes, but we all have issues and faults. You are very strong and I am so proud of you for seeking out the help. It sounds very intense and I am here for you. Please talk to me whenever you need to. I can't help if you don't ask. I love you."

Other than the comment of "we all have our faults" I think that was a pretty positive response. The thing that bugs me a little is that if she knew this has been a problem for a long time (and I know she has bc I have told her before) why doesn't she ever ask how I am doing. Sure she says, "How are you?" but she never says, "How is the sobriety or issues with alcohol going.  How are you really doing?"  I have never really gotten emotional support from my mom. She asks how I am doing but doesn't really want to hear anything other than "fine." She doesn't deal very well with listening to my struggles. Sometimes she projects them onto herself, "I was a bad mom" or starts going off on how hard her day was or just says things like "you will get through it - this will pass." I have never, ever felt true empathy from. When I would call her at work as a child and tell her I was sick, she would only say, "Do I need to call the school?" She never really nurtured and showed a lot of love toward me. And my dad was an alcoholic who abandoned me...so... She cares for people by doing. I think she is a little emotionally unavailable to everyone (not just me), so the response was better than expected. I hope, that with sobriety, I will become a little more forgiving and a little less sensitive  around my mom so our relationship can improve....just to be able to accept her for who she is and not feel so hurt all the time.

Also, for those of you that have been reading for along time, my other sister still isn't talking to anyone in the family (except our mom) and is in town this weekend. Part of me felt like, "See, mom, she isn't the only daughter you have that is struggling so don't you dare make me feel guilty for not reaching out to her while she is here. I am working on my own shit over here and might need a little of your support and compassion as well. It's always been all about her. Well here I am, not your perfect little daughter who you expect to make everything right in this family. Maybe somebody can show me a little care and support right now or do I always have to be the strong one?" Wow! That just came out. Oh well...it may sound immature, but it's true.

From my sister, "That is great news! I think it will really help you to talk to somebody else vs you continuing to diagnose yourself. I'm glad you are doing it."

That was way better than I expected! I knew she would be supportive, but I don't know if she has ever truly believed I had a problem.  I think she has thought that I do have issues with obsessive behavior and this was just my latest thing to fixate on. I think she has had a hard time seeing the severity for the same reason I did. Because I am a binge drinker, I don't drink everyday, I don't have any of the classic "alcoholic" symptoms like our father, I haven't lost a  job or gotten a DUI, and I quit for long periods of time. Therefore, she doesn't understand why I can't just control my intake. She really has no idea the mental anguish alcohol causes me. I have told her some of it before, but as much as she would hate to admit it, she is a bit like our mother in terms of emotional availability.  My sister is just a pretty black and white, I won't complain about my problems so I would rather not hear about yours kind of person.  I love her dearly and know she supports me, but she certainly is not the emotional mush ball that I am.  She is also the sister that I always relapse with. It is not ever her fault. She doesn't try to get me to drink, but she also doesn't discourage me when I decide to.  I think she likes to drink with me and might be a little disappointed when I don't. I hope that by telling her, she understands the gravity of my issue...that it isn't just my latest obsession...that this issue is killing me mentally and emotionally. I am also going to work hard to create a new sober relationship with her. We have always drank together, so it might take some work but my relationship with her is worth it.

BTW - my husband, daughter and son know everything, have known a lot of it for a long time and totally support all of it.  I do have a great support system in my immediate family.  My husband has been a bit of an enabler through the years. He drinks every weekend (not usually to a binge level) and I think he likes when I drink. I have always been able to talk to him and he has always been compassionate about my struggles. He has always reminded me of my struggles and has told me he thinks it is better that I don't drink but, until that Sunday two weeks ago, has been pretty sympathetic of my hangovers and struggles....never any tough love. Remember two weeks ago he was pretty mad at me from the night before and said "You choose - quit drinking or be an alcoholic!" He has never said anything like that to me before, and I was so hurt. He felt so bad, but I told him it might have been the thing that pushed me to making that call four days later. He totally supports my sobriety because he knows how much anguish it has caused me for so many years. My 23 yo daughter is my rock. She has an amazing way of being gentle yet firm with me. She knows everything and always tries to talk me out of trying again and tells me she is disappointed and worried when I do. For a long time I felt guilty about talking to her but she says, "Mom, I am 23 yo, you are my best friend, I am glad I can be there for you, you have always been there for me, we help each other, I feel so special that you can talk to me and I am a lot like you. I have learned so much from you, which is probably why I don't drink."  My 19 yo son still keeps trying to tell me I'm not that bad. He doesn't want me to drink but is trying to get me to feel better about myself. I tell him that comments like that don't help. I know he means well, but it turns on my addicted voice that says, "Maybe he is right. Maybe I'm not that bad. Why am I doing all this. This is stupid."

It seems I am having to educate my whole family that just because I am not the stereotypical image of an alcoholic doesn't mean that I am not one.