5/20/18 - 6/10/18 - Three weeks of backsliding

The only thing that I truly look forward to is drinking and drinking has become the reason I enjoy anything. 

I wrote this two years ago...pretty profound and still true, unfortunately.

5/20/18 (Sun)

Drank 3.5 beers last night. Woke up in the middle of the night with severe anxiety, heart fluttering and a terrible headache...so bad I couldn't get up to take Advil. I researched a bit and I am going to stay away from high alcohol IPAs. Now I will stay away from hard alcohol/mixed drinks, wine, high alcohol beer and hard seltzers (too easy to sneak). All I am left with are low alcohol beers (Bud Light) which really don't taste all that great and really don't get me all that buzzed....so I find myself asking myself, "What is the point of drinking at all?"

5/21/18 (Mon)

Felt like crap all day yesterday. Today my eyes are swollen from all the salt and crap food I ate yesterday, stomach hurts from being unable to go to the bathroom (probably caused by the dehydration of drinking), and I just feel like crying. I know the real reason I want to take a break from blogging is because I want to take a break from trying to be sober. Last night I spent a large amount of time on my phone researching why 3 beers (two of which were IPAs) made me wake up an anxiety attack, caused such a bad headache and make me feel shitty all day yesterday. Why? Why do I care? Why am I researching which addictive poison would be the best for me...trying to convince myself that I have now developed an allergy to hops and trying to find the least hoppy beer for next time. I need to remember that being sober is about so much more than avoiding a hangover. It is about being proud of myself, not being depressed, being able to sleep and accomplish my goals. I bought the triscilian bracelet after one month of sobriety to remind myself of how drinking alcohol negatively impacts many areas of my life (not just suffering through hangovers). That I can choose to drink on the weekends but pay the price with self deprecation, anxiety, and misery....or.....not drink on the weekends and enjoy the subsequent self pride, calmness and joy. Is being able to have a couple of beers on the weekend worth spending yet another summer in this dark place?

5/23/18-5/30/18 (Wed-Wed)

Lots of drinking this past week.  No hangovers (probably bc only drank low alcohol beer and not very many) but still way too many days in a row. Actually consistently drank less than the people I was with. This week has been filled with going away parties for me (so I had to go), a family bbq's, a neighborhood holiday get together, end of school year parties, etc. I don't feel hungover, just tired. In terms of moderation - I have been doing pretty well with "how much" other than two days where I was sneaking. I am not doing so well with "how often."  I would like to say no drinking this weekend. I'm going to try. 

6/3/18 (Sun)

Only drank two on Friday and two on Saturday.  How am I feeling? Kind of a combination of a) I am doing pretty well - not over doing it/no hangovers/no wine/only light beer/glad to be drinking moderately  b) kind of disappointed bc I said I didn't want to drink this weekend/worried I will never lose this weight while drinking/know I feel better when AF.

6/8/18 (Fri)

Went to a brewery with friends last night. Drank one before we left, one in the car, and 2.5 while there.  Super tired today. Wasted a beautiful Friday feeling tired. I am starting to feel that lack of joy coming back into my life. just not being excited for anything unless it involves drinking.

6/10/18 (Sun)

Went to my sister's house for a party last night. Drank one hard seltzer before I left and then three more there before I switched to wine. Once I switched to wine I just didn't want to stop. My dh asked me to not drink wine and to leave with him at 10:30.  I said no and that I wanted to stay and play cards. I just kept drinking and was kinda glad my ds and dh weren't there to watch me. We even opened another bottle and made him come back and get me at 12:00.  Needless to say I woke up with an anxiety attack, shaky, with a headache and nauseous.  I feel like total garbage.  This is the pattern I didn't want to repeat for the millionth time - do well moderating for a while, drinking slowly increasing, finally culminating in a bad night followed by a horrendous hangover.

I finally make my way downstairs this morning and my dh, who is usually really supportive of me no matter what I am doing (moderating/abstaining/struggling), says, "I don't have a lot of sympathy for you today. I tried to get you to leave and to not drink wine." I shoot back, "I'm not looking for sympathy." He says, "I'm getting a little tired of this.....either stop drinking or be an alcoholic! You wanted to stay last night not to play cards but to keep drinking!"  

I was shocked and hurt that he said that to me. He has never said anything like that to me before. I just started crying and couldn't stop....not because he said it, but because he is probably right and it is just really hard to hear. I don't want to be an alcoholic. I don't want to stop drinking. I want to be able to moderate and drink like everyone else does.  

I know that the reason I stopped blogging is because I am not proud of myself when moderating and I think I subconsciously know it will always put me right back where I am today.  I think I am only truly proud of myself when not drinking.....I guess I know what I need to do.