Sunday, June 10, 2018

5/20/18 - 6/10/18 - Three weeks of backsliding

The only thing that I truly look forward to is drinking and drinking has become the reason I enjoy anything. 

I wrote this two years ago...pretty profound and still true, unfortunately.

5/20/18 (Sun)

Drank 3.5 beers last night. Woke up in the middle of the night with severe anxiety, heart fluttering and a terrible bad I couldn't get up to take Advil. I researched a bit and I am going to stay away from high alcohol IPAs. Now I will stay away from hard alcohol/mixed drinks, wine, high alcohol beer and hard seltzers (too easy to sneak). All I am left with are low alcohol beers (Bud Light) which really don't taste all that great and really don't get me all that I find myself asking myself, "What is the point of drinking at all?"

5/21/18 (Mon)

Felt like crap all day yesterday. Today my eyes are swollen from all the salt and crap food I ate yesterday, stomach hurts from being unable to go to the bathroom (probably caused by the dehydration of drinking), and I just feel like crying. I know the real reason I want to take a break from blogging is because I want to take a break from trying to be sober. Last night I spent a large amount of time on my phone researching why 3 beers (two of which were IPAs) made me wake up an anxiety attack, caused such a bad headache and make me feel shitty all day yesterday. Why? Why do I care? Why am I researching which addictive poison would be the best for me...trying to convince myself that I have now developed an allergy to hops and trying to find the least hoppy beer for next time. I need to remember that being sober is about so much more than avoiding a hangover. It is about being proud of myself, not being depressed, being able to sleep and accomplish my goals. I bought the triscilian bracelet after one month of sobriety to remind myself of how drinking alcohol negatively impacts many areas of my life (not just suffering through hangovers). That I can choose to drink on the weekends but pay the price with self deprecation, anxiety, and misery....or.....not drink on the weekends and enjoy the subsequent self pride, calmness and joy. Is being able to have a couple of beers on the weekend worth spending yet another summer in this dark place?

5/23/18-5/30/18 (Wed-Wed)

Lots of drinking this past week.  No hangovers (probably bc only drank low alcohol beer and not very many) but still way too many days in a row. Actually consistently drank less than the people I was with. This week has been filled with going away parties for me (so I had to go), a family bbq's, a neighborhood holiday get together, end of school year parties, etc. I don't feel hungover, just tired. In terms of moderation - I have been doing pretty well with "how much" other than two days where I was sneaking. I am not doing so well with "how often."  I would like to say no drinking this weekend. I'm going to try. 

6/3/18 (Sun)

Only drank two on Friday and two on Saturday.  How am I feeling? Kind of a combination of a) I am doing pretty well - not over doing it/no hangovers/no wine/only light beer/glad to be drinking moderately  b) kind of disappointed bc I said I didn't want to drink this weekend/worried I will never lose this weight while drinking/know I feel better when AF.

6/8/18 (Fri)

Went to a brewery with friends last night. Drank one before we left, one in the car, and 2.5 while there.  Super tired today. Wasted a beautiful Friday feeling tired. I am starting to feel that lack of joy coming back into my life. just not being excited for anything unless it involves drinking.

6/10/18 (Sun)

Went to my sister's house for a party last night. Drank one hard seltzer before I left and then three more there before I switched to wine. Once I switched to wine I just didn't want to stop. My dh asked me to not drink wine and to leave with him at 10:30.  I said no and that I wanted to stay and play cards. I just kept drinking and was kinda glad my ds and dh weren't there to watch me. We even opened another bottle and made him come back and get me at 12:00.  Needless to say I woke up with an anxiety attack, shaky, with a headache and nauseous.  I feel like total garbage.  This is the pattern I didn't want to repeat for the millionth time - do well moderating for a while, drinking slowly increasing, finally culminating in a bad night followed by a horrendous hangover.

I finally make my way downstairs this morning and my dh, who is usually really supportive of me no matter what I am doing (moderating/abstaining/struggling), says, "I don't have a lot of sympathy for you today. I tried to get you to leave and to not drink wine." I shoot back, "I'm not looking for sympathy." He says, "I'm getting a little tired of this.....either stop drinking or be an alcoholic! You wanted to stay last night not to play cards but to keep drinking!"  

I was shocked and hurt that he said that to me. He has never said anything like that to me before. I just started crying and couldn't stop....not because he said it, but because he is probably right and it is just really hard to hear. I don't want to be an alcoholic. I don't want to stop drinking. I want to be able to moderate and drink like everyone else does.  

I know that the reason I stopped blogging is because I am not proud of myself when moderating and I think I subconsciously know it will always put me right back where I am today.  I think I am only truly proud of myself when not drinking.....I guess I know what I need to do.


  1. Welcome back!
    I checked back here a few times during your blogging-break. I figured that you weren't blogging because you were drinking. The whole "I'm not going to blog so that I can concentrate on being healthy" sounded like exactly the sort of lie I'd tell myself. ;) (Remember that online drink-counter spreadsheet thing over at MM? Even though I never used my real name, I still used to lie on that all the time because I didn't want people to see all those red numbers--LOL!

    I'm sorry you're still struggling. Hope you get "sick and tired of being sick and tired" before things get too much worse.

    No new advice from me--you've heard what I have to say a dozen times by now. Just know that I'm thinking about you, and praying for you.


  2. It's just insanity. And exhausting. It's time to get honest with yourself. Believe me i know how painful this is! Maybe AA? You would be surprised by the people hat you will meet that think and feel as you do!

  3. You are is exhausting

  4. I really appreciate your honesty and hope you keep posting. It helps me . I can’t relate to many blogs because those ladies stay sober and never relapse!! They never go back and try moderation or have an off night. Try a sober week today start. The only way to feel less anxious and sleep better is to string AF days together as you well know. Give yourself a week of recuperate and health. U can always drink after that.

    1. I certainly don't know how I could possibly be helping anyone. I can't even seem to help myself..but thanks for saying so.

    2. You help me by reminding me how torturous the whole moderation waking in the middle of the night anxiety stuff is! You know how people say oh when you crave a drink just play the tape forward to the end and you won’t want to anymore.. well I never feel like playing the tape- I block it from my mind so I can get on with my plan of drinking but reading your story forces me to remember and I relate to you and your story is actually pretty interesting and I find myself always checking to see if you posted again. You’ve got me on the edge of my seat!

  5. I’m sorry. I’m sorry this is hard and not what you want.
    I’m sorry you can’t see how much relief and freedom there is in sobriety. Not just not drinking, but in recovery. Which does require a person to accept they are an alcoholic (or has an addiction, which I prefer).

    Wishing things were different is the source of suffering. It took me a year of repeating acceptance over and over to admit I had a problem.

    I was an excellent moderator sometimes. I didn’t drink on week nights. But once I started I NEVER wanted to stop. I had not off switch.

    And that’s just how it is.

    It sounds like alcohol is not creating family problems for you. Perhaps this is the time to enlist an addictions therapist. Take an outpatient program. Find a coach. Make a plan.

    Things do not get better on their own. It’s time to take action.

    I send you all the love and support I have. There is a better life. You can get there.