6/29/18 Stepping Out of My Comfort Zone

I am just wiped out today. Still didn't sleep well last night. I just feel physically exhausted and emotionally drained. Part of me woke up thinking that I just don't want to go through with all of this. It is just so much. By the time this week is over I will have had 10 hours of therapy. And this is just the first week of the next four. I don't want to drink, but I just don't feel like putting in all the time and spending all the emotional energy it is going to take.

Then I flip the switch and think...No, you are doing this. You are going to see this through. I am sure it is difficult and exhausting for everyone that goes through it. You have an opportunity right in front of you - valuable resources - individual therapist, group therapy, doctor's input and the time to actually do it. It isn't a coincidence that you going on vacation in four weeks, right as I am wrapping this up. You made the call. You went yesterday. You did the first two hardest parts. Today will be hard and scary - going to a group thing and tomorrow will be a little scary - meeting the individual therapist, but after that it might still be hard but maybe not as scary.

I need to put in the time and do the work. I have always said I am kind of an all or nothing kind of person. I probably would have been disappointed yesterday if they would have said, "You aren't that bad. Let's just get you set up with a therapist once a month. See you in three weeks." That would have not felt good and I am 100% sure I would have ended up trying to moderate again ending up right back in the same place. My addicted voice would have been immediately excited and relieved and planing, but my soul/true self would have been sad. I would have used that as an excuse to drink.

I am secretly glad I was actually diagnosed with moderate alcohol abuse disorder, OCD and anxiety disorder. It felt kind of like a relief. I could hear them talking about me in the hall and they sounded genuinely concerned for me which was a huge relief. I know that sounds weird but I almost felt like someone else saw it. Someone else recognized how sick I was and was will (and thought it necessary) to get me such intensive help.  It felt validating in a way. Kind of like - I knew I wasn't just imaging everything or blowing things out of proportion. I know I'm not supposed to care what others think, but I kind of feel like, "See, I told you I had a problem and it isn't just my latest obsessing and trying harder."

I got the proof I needed yesterday and the gift of all these resources. I am not going to waste this opportunity - as scary and exhausting as it may be.  Maybe it will really help me attain my ultimate goal - to be happy and peaceful and joyful in sobriety.  To not feel the need to drink and to be truly happy and secure in my choice not to drink.  I obviously can't do it by myself.  I certainly have proof of that.