6/24/18 Rough Sat and Complete History with Alcohol

Yesterday was rough. After four straight days of have a tom of energy and cleaning out almost my whole house, even after being up at 4:00 am, I hit a wall.  I was to tired and lethargic yesterday. The swing in energy level was so dramatic. I need to talk to the therapist about this. Is it normal?

Yesterday afternoon I thought to myself, "Alcohol would definitely help my energy level. If I had a beer right now, I would get a surge of energy and good/happy feelings.  It would make me feel better. When I thought that thought, I could actually feel myself feel a little better. It was weird..that even just the thought of having some alcohol improved my mood.  So I did something that is really hard for me. I didn't react. I just allowed myself to feel tired, played the whole thing out in my head if I did actually have a beer, and made a cup of coffee. I do know that having that beer would have improved my energy and mood but it just isn't worth the cost.

When I was getting ready for bed, I found an old journal from 2003 and 2010 and read through all the entries (probably the coffee keeping me up). Back 2003 I made vague references to being a better person, being more healthy, being a good role model for my kids. I know I was talking about drinking less, but I would never actually write it down for the fear that someone would find my journal and I would be "outed" as having a drinking problem. In 2010, I started writing more about wasting days with hangovers and drinking too much. By 2011, I started this blog to be able to write "in secret".   After reading the entries, I realized just HOW LONG I have been fighting this fight. It has been 10 years of hard core fighting (as much if not more of a thinking problem as a drinking problem) and somewhat for the 5 years before that. That is a long time...10-15 years. But it really isn't that long in the big picture of my life. I just need to figure it out this time or it will end up being 20-25 years of my life (or longer) living in this self inflicted torture chamber. Also, I wrote down my weight and I have gained 20 pounds in 8 years....urghh!!

I am only writing all of this down for my own record keeping...not bc I am obsessing :). Trying to get more of my history down here.

1996-2004 - numerous family vacations with tons of drunk drama, many nights on gross bathroom floor trying not to be sick, faking not being hungover the next morning and then drinking again

10/4/01 - Appendix out - not drinking but kinda hooked on pain meds-kind of a mental breakdown- really started my slow decent into 17 years of increasing darkness -2 months of severe depression/not getting out of bed/almost getting divorced/not taking care of my kids/attempt at therapy
1/4/02 goals - be more healthy. Wrote "part of realizing these goals is to stop drinking. When I drink I become a person that I don't really like."
1/1/03  - goals included drinking less, take better care of myself
12/13/03 -  Christmas party at the Elks club - got completely wasted, threw up in the bathroom.

5/27/03 - We had a neighborhood BBQ yesterday for Memorial Day. Once again I am not very proud of myself. I drank too much and even smoked cigarettes. I will stop behaving like this at neighborhood events. I will be more careful with how much I drink. I should be setting an example for my children. I will just have to say NO! I will choose to take care of myself and be a good responsible person. I love myself and my family too much to behave this way anymore. (This was also a time when my good friend was going through some major stuff. I was there for her - 3-4 times per week - drinking heavily for 1-2 months)

2/2/04 - Went out with work friends. Ended up shutting down the bar. Terrible hangover.
4/3/04 - Neighborhood Pub crawl - terrible hangover
7/3/04 - Hysterectomy to remove a tumor (got a little hooked on pain meds but stopped)
1/05 - Found out I have DNA mutation MTHFR - can;t metabolize folic acid
2/05 -  Wrote "I am little disturbed how much alcohol comes up in my journal"
5/8/05 - Mother's Day - drank too much

5/22/05 - So many times I have a beer or two and all pf a sudden I want to have party. When this happens I lose focus on my family. It almost seems like it becomes more important. I only drank 3 beers yesterday but lost focus . It seems like my behavior changes earlier in the day so that I can create the opportunity to party later. I am always so afraid I will miss a party I really need to stop drinking to be at better wife mother and person.

6/21/05 - Renaissance Festival - drank too much
12/31/05 - New Year's Eve party as our house - drank too much
6/06 - Lake Powell Trip - drank way to much all week.
7/06 - Steamboat - drank too much - fighting with sister
1/1/07 - Terrible hangover
4/07 - Mammogram scare
4/21/07 - Neighborhood pub crawl - drank too much
6/07 - Trip to Orlando - stayed up one night by myself watching the Sopranos and drank at least one bottle of wine while everyone else was asleep.

1/1/08 - Terrible hangover. Wrote " I need to grow up and be a better role model!"
1/19/08 - 40th bday party - got wasted
2/23/08 - Went to the mountains - drank too much
7/08 - Renaissance Festival - drank too much embarrassed myself  - temper tantrum about leaving

7/21/08 - I am now an older version of the same me in all the previous entries. You can't expect things to change it you don't change your behavior. You first must change your mind. I have struggled with this issue for far too long. It needs to stop. I am in my forties now It is time! Day 2. (First read about the man standing in the bridge analogy)
8/08 - Lake Powell - drank all week
8/08 - Wrote "I am no longer a partier"
8/08 - Lake Powell - drank all week
8/09 - Snowmass - fighting with sister p drank too much
7/09 - Lake Powell - drank all week

8/8/09 - I think I might be an alcoholic. I make promise after promise to myself and break all of them. I am ashamed of myself and my behavior. I am a terrible role model for my children and not a good mom to them. The thing that scares me the most about coming to this conclusion is that I can't imagine ever having a glass of wine or a beer ever again. I want to be able to enjoy alcohol without it being a problem. I think I am beginning to realize that this is not possible for me.  I can't seem to go more than three days without drinking. One drink never stays at one. I lose control and stop paying attention to how much I drink, drink too much, wake up with a hangover, feel terrible about myself, promise not to drink anymore...repeat. I think I have a disease I can't get rid of. No matter how much I want to enjoy that glass of wine, I can't. It will put me back on the same track. Maybe not that day but eventually. I am a strong, intelligent person, I can do this! I can be an inspiration to others! I can be a good role model! I can be proud of myself! I don't drink! Last night was my last drink of alcohol! I promise!

11/25/09 - You can't expect things to change if you never make a change. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Wednesday, 11/25/08, is the day I take care of myself. Today I become the person I have always wanted to be. We are the choices we make. Be the light that inspires others. Day 1!

4/18/10 - Broke my wrist snowboarding - drank and took pain pills
5/15/10 attempted a 30
6/2010 - Cancun - got wasted one night - completely lost my mind - embarrassed
7/2010 - Mountains - wasted - huge fight with sister
1/1/11 attempted a 30
8/2011 - Joined MM
7/12 - Punta Cana - drank all week
2013 - Drank almost every weekend - many terrible hangovers - only 7 posts all year
6/13 - Florida - Jensen Beach - drank all week - dd graduation present
7/13 - Florida - Marathon - drank all week
7/13 - Vail - fighting with sister - drank too much
11/13 - Hot tub with friend - 2 bottles of wine
11/13 - Breckenridge - Thanksgiving - embarrassingly drunk
4/14 - Beaver Creek - made a complete ass of myself - drunk - switched hotels
7/14 - Punta Cana - made an ass out of myself - huge fight about the room
2/15 - Granby - didn't drink - instead used edibles
3/15 - Edwards - sneaking and guzzling in room
6/15 - DC - drank all week
12/15 - Las Vegas - complete drinking disaster
3/16 - Keystone - sneaking/guzzling at bar while sister went to bathroom
7/16 - Alaska - embarrassed myself in front of new family
7/16 - Florida - Ft Myers - drank all week - terrible kayaoke night
3/17 - Glenwood with sister - so hung over couldn'y ski
5/17 - Glenwood - son's graduation present - so hungover couldn't get out of bed
6/17 - Alaska -wasted on the plane - realized that alcohol is sucking the joy from my life