6/12/18 (Tues) Kick the Drink - control in the quicksand

I started reading Jason Vale's Kick the Drink last night. Many of the ideas about alcohol being an addictive poison and about societies acceptance of this drug (alcohol being the only drug you have to justify not using) were things I had read before. There were a couple of new ideas, however, that made me stop and think.

"For any other form of drug addiction, the addict who wants to quit is applauded for realizing they were never in control but the alcohol addict is given a label and made to feel inferior."

So true! This one makes me mad! I need to get over this and start realizing that not drinking is a good thing. If other people don't see it that way, they are probably just trying to justify their own drinking. Anyone who says they don't drink for the buzz but for the taste and that drinking is no big deal is full of shit. It is a poisonous, addictive drug that everyone uses for the mind altering effect it creates whether the social confidence or the numbing effect it provides. How could you possibly justify pouring a known carcinogen down your throat other than to say that it isn't a big deal? Societal norms around alcohol really piss me off and certainly make it harder to quit.  I wish the perception around alcohol was in the same place it is for cigarettes or heroin or opiods or crack or meth or ANY OTHER DRUG!  Why, when I say I am not drinking, am I looked at with a bizarre look of, "Why?" or "I'm sorry." or "That sucks." It is all so stupid!! "Why?" because it isn't good for me (or anyone) and I feel better when I don't. You should try it.  "I'm sorry?"  Don't feel sorry for me. It is my choice not to poison myself. I feel sorry for you that you can't see it. "That sucks" Actually what sucks is having you life being run by an addictive drug that is controlling you!

"Was I ever really choosing to drink on these occasions or did I have to in order to have a good time? Had my freedom of choice really been taken away form me?...if you consciously have to be in control to make sure you don't drink too much, then surely you cannot really be in control....It is the having to exercise control that proves the addict is not in control. You cannot have the freedom of choice without the freedom to also refuse."

This one made me pause. I work so hard to control my drinking. Over the years I have made rules for myself that, if followed, would prove I am in control of my drinking. My latest set of rules were - no drinking alone (broke this one all the time), no sneaking (was starting to do this), only on the weekends (usually but not always especially in the summer), still work out and eat healthy (impossible to maintain when obsessed with or recovering from alcohol), no wine (this one was really hard after a couple of permissible drinks and being around the right crowd aka my sister and was always followed by a demoralizing/debilitating hangover), no IPA beers (this one was new bc I decided I am now allergic to hops - how ridiculous the rationalizing is) and no drinking in the morning - Yippie! I never break this last one (oh ya - except for on vacation of maybe Christmas morning). I don't have the shakes or seizures or get DUIs and have a good job and loving family so....Yeah me! I do have control!  It is all just so EXHAUSTING! It is like someone walking a dog that is out of control - pulling, barking, jumping, biting - but because it is on a leash the owner thinks they have control.  I feel like alcohol is the same feeling. My sense of control is really just an illusion because actually it is controlling me. And when I am having a bad craving, I do not feel like I have the freedom to refuse. At that moment, when I am having an anxiety attack and a mental battle to either drink after being sober or drink wine after having a couple (like last Sat)...a am absolutely not not in control. And the alcohol wins...always...I don't think that is control.

"Listing all the reasons why you shouldn't drink will not make it easier, just as writing down all the reasons you shouldn't be in quicksand will not make it easier for you to stop sinking." He goes on to say that most addicts are fully aware of why they should not drink. They drink because of the perceived positives they gain. The focus should be on negating the positives of drinking and focusing on the positives on sobriety. Not focusing on the negatives of drinking.

That seemed a little confusing and I had to think about it for awhile and reread it a couple of times. I used to like the analogy of standing on a burning bridge and instead of getting off the bridge, trying to figure out how it caught on fire in the first place. I have gotten off the bridge. I do know that I have an addiction to alcohol which is why is causes me so much misery.  Now I feel like I am in the quicksand - trying to figure out if I want to stay in the quicksand and why it is actually bad for me and seeing if I try hard enough if I can just stay there but not sink any further. Especially because the quicksand is all I have ever known and all of my friends are there with me and getting out seems scary and lonely and different and hard.

I have been making lists for years about why I should stop. Maybe my focus should be on the positives that come from sobriety instead of the negatives that come with choosing to drink.
My brain needs to be saying, "Aren't you so glad you don't drink anymore? You an go to this party, be totally present, have meaningful conversations, not be loud and annoying, dominating conversations and leave at a reasonable time." Maybe life is easier and less of a struggle if I just choose to get out of the quicksand and be thankful for the choice I have made.



This cartoon makes me think about all of my sober online buddies who are giving me encouragement and advice but unless I am ready to believe it...I will just keep sinking.