6/16/18 Chasing the Buzz

Last night I had dreams about alcohol. For awhile I was with people (can't remember who) and feeling ok, a little stressed, down and tired, but ok. Then one of my drinking buddy neighbors came over all hyper and happy ready to have a beer with us. All of a sudden my mood shifted. I, a split second I decided I was going to have a beer and I was happy and excited...like I used to be.

I am trying to think about what to ask the psychiatrist/counselor/therapist when I go. I don't think my real problem is stopping the drinking...it is staying stopped. I do think that I am trying to chase a younger/party girl/popular/outgoing/in shape/happy version of myself.

In my 20's I was super happy. My dh had a very lucrative job based. We had a new house and two new cars by the time I was 21. He was also helping me get through college. During this time I was the perfect example of "working for the weekend".  I worked my ass off Monday through Friday afternoon. I was going to college, eventually earning a master's degree. I was working part time, going to college, grocery shopping every Monday, cleaning my house every Wednesday, doing yard work every Thursday, working out 5 days a week, and getting all of my homework done. I was in great shape and had a great group of friends that we hung out with every weekend....and drank....every weekend. We had so much fun. Parties at my house, parties at our friend's houses, drunk bowling, drunk roller skating, drunk 4-wheel driving through remote areas in the middle of nowhere (which ironically is now the overdeveloped suburb I live in), drunk planetarium, drunk camping, drunk boating, drunk cruising, drunk dancing in bars. I'm not going to lie. It was a blast! Sure, I was a little hungover Saturday, but I had worked so hard during the week so I could enjoy my weekend. I could afford to get up at 11:00 am, lay around and rest until the evening and then get the party started again. Sunday I also had a little hangover but it was my "cheat day" so I allowed myself to eat crap food and relax. I hardly ever got the debilitating hangovers I get now. I would drink wine coolers and schnapps every Friday and Saturday and barely feel it the next day. Monday I would get up and start over.  I am sure there was some bad parts - fights with dh, drunken fights with friends, embarrassing moments like when I threw up in a stranger's house plant, drunk driving way too often...but these aren't what I remember. I was happy, productive, social, confident, looked good, got a lot of attention and had a lot of fun. I was the good looking, super fun, hyper party girl. Those were the good old days.

I think part of why I continue to drink is because I am trying to get that "me" back. I realize that alcohol has a different effect on me now  both when I drink as well as when I am recovering from drinking, but that does not negate the fact that I still see glimpses of my former self in the anticipation of drinking. Just like in my dream. When my friend walked through the door, I hadn't even put alcohol to my lips yet, but the anticipation of it happening gave me energy, excitement and happiness that I have a hard time finding in sobriety. When younger, it was the anticipation of the weekend drinking that gave me all the energy and excitement to get my work done during the week. When sober I just seem to slog through my days and weeks, struggling to get things done bc I don't feel like I have anything to work towards. Vacations don't even seem as exciting. In all honesty I know that part of my "slogging" is due to weekday alcohol withdrawals that I didn't get when younger, but I can't even find that feeling after months of sobriety. I still have this romanticized image in my head that makes me try to repeat the days of my younger years.

I think that is why I always go back. I am trying to get that feeling back. I suppose it isn't any different than a heroine user that is always chasing that first high. I am chasing my first decade of drinking. That feeling of excited anticipation. It gave me energy and made me happy.

My question:

How do I either experience those feelings without drinking or learn to live without them?