6/27/18 1st Group Therapy Experience

First of all I was terrified to even go - I had anxiety all day and did nothing but lay around worrying.  I had no idea what to expect and that is always hard for me.

The first 75 minutes were spent in a small group session. I walked in and it was just as I dreaded - the chairs were arranged in a circle.  There was only seven of us - one other female. I really did not feel a great connection with the group. No one welcomed me. They all knew each other as it wasn't a new group. I felt like the outsider and super uncomfortable.  The session was mostly spent with the therapist telling her own stories about guilt and shame. Occasionally somebody would say something but it was a lot of uncomfortable silence with no eye contact. It was pretty uncomfortable. Whatever, I am sure if it isn't better next week, I can join a different group. Or maybe it doesn't even matter as long as I learn something. I did learn something - shame is when you feel like you are a bad person and guilt is when you feel like you have done something wrong. In addiction we may feel guilty about things we have done and need to make amends but we shouldn't feel shame. I do feel shame that I can't do better, be stronger, try harder, control alcohol. I have lived in this shame for a long time. I heard that just because I am addicted doesn't mean I am a bad person.

The second 75 minutes were spent in a bigger room with tables and chairs arranged in rows. There were about 45-50 people. It was family night (which I didn't know) so everyone had family member s there except about four of us. All the the previous seven people were there along with maybe 15 others and their family members. This one was a little less uncomfortable - more people talking and asking questions. I liked the therapist better (btw is who I am seeing tomorrow). We watched a 30 minute video called "Pleasure Unwoven". It was about a doctor who was also an alcoholic and was trying to prove that addiction is a disease. That addicted people have something different in the middle brain (the survival) that hijacks the cortex (decision making) part. That no one chooses to be addicted, it's not some moral failing, that we should be able to try harder not to be addicted. It isn't our fault we became addicted, but only we can fix it by choosing not to drink, getting educated and working hard. Recovery isn't just going to happen by being stronger and trying harder.

Then a cool thing happened. This lady, who by chance was sitting right next to me, raised her hand and asked about binge drinkers and if brain research also applied. She said, "I can go weeks without needing to drink, but I can't ever go forever and then I drink too much."  It was all I could do to not stand up and say, "Me too!"  The therapist said, "Absolutely, the brain research applies and the additional difficulty with bingers is denial. Since they can quit for periods of time, it usually takes them longer to recognize they have lost control."  Well, when the meeting was over, that woman (probably close to my age and looked just as normal as me) introduced herself and asked if it was my first time. I said, "Yes and I am a binge drinker just like you." She said it was also her first time and asked if I was coming back. I said, "Probably." I asked her and she said, "Yes." Then she said, "You should come back." Somehow we had made this weird connection by chance and I really want to talk to her again. I thought that was pretty cool.  Someone just like me :)